Legacy

One giant thing to not worry about... returning Varsity players are automatically on the team!! phew.... what a huge monkey off our backs!!! Geez!!!! No stress.  No staying up late.  No waiting.  No crying.  Done.  

Adulting hurts

The annual club volleyball tryout weekend... SW had 3 clubs lined up.  

1) He gets a Sunday call back

2) He wasn't going to make it.. too prominent of a Bay Area club

3) didn't even go... his former coach reserved him a spot

After his Sunday call back... Joyce texts me... "He's disappointed and sad.  I'm done after this year" The club he wanted to play for already has two setters... and SW won't get play time.  This was the club all his friends departed for, last season, and he was left behind here.  It's a brutal reality when you realize adulting is hard... and adulting hurts.

Then later... as it turns out... SW's been doing some politic-ing on the side.  For whatever reason, he convinced a bunch of his friends to ditch club #1, and come join him at club #3.  Adulting... go figure.

好心分手

Not as dramatic... but still. She insisted to be first be friends. Then she said take it slow. Then she said this could be a summer thing. And after "trying", she saw it wasn't leading anywhere... why keep pushing?? End it now before you dig even deeper. I applaud you for the maturity and rationale thinking. Now... just get ready for the backlash.

盧巧音《好心分手》

[主歌一]
是否很驚訝 講不出說話
沒錯我是說 你想分手嗎
曾給你馴服到 就像綿羊
何解會反咬你一下 你知嗎

[導歌]
回頭望 伴你走
從來未曾幸福過
赴過湯 蹈過火
沿途為何沒愛河
下半生 陪住你
懷疑快樂也不多
沒有心 別再拖

[副歌]
好心一早放開我 重頭努力也坎坷
統統不要好過 來年歲月那麼多
為繼續而繼續 沒有好處還是我
若注定有一點苦楚 不如自己親手割破

[主歌二]
是否不甘心 首先給撇下
換了你是我 你忍得到嗎
捱得過無限次 寂寞凌遲
人生太早已看得化 也可怕

Tradition, Superstition, or a big waste of time...?

Today was my 細舅父's memorial.  The event was intimate.  Quaint.  Special.  常言道：外甥多似舅.  Not sure if it applied in this situation.  In my entire waking life, I may have spoken no more than 50 words with him.  Usual high-bye.  New Years and holiday greetings.  Probably the most we've conversed was at Amy's wedding.  At that point... his larynx was so damaged I can barely hear him.  Regardless... he's still one of my closest relative.  In the ranking family members... 見舅如見娘.  You don't much closer than that.  And it is on this day... that I found myself in the weirdest of weirds.  Trapped in a vortex of tradition... superstition... taboo... or a downright waste of time. 

In Chinese Memorials... or any memorials... it's tradition that the family will hand out 利是 as a token of appreciation for attending or as a means of gratitude for condolences.  But... but.... BUUUUUUUT.... you must... must.... MUUUUSSSSSTTTT spend that money and not pocket the money.  Go buy some candy.  A drink.  Donate it if you have to.  Never bring it home with you.  Otherwise you'll have a streak of bad luck. You'll be cursed.  Fire and brimstone will rain down on you... without an umbrella!!

All these years... after all the funerals and memorials I've been to.... I've held a steadfast grip on that tradition.  Look... I'm a God-loving, Christ-following man.  Do I really believe in these 文間小見??  Well... let's see.  

I collected a total of $101.25 altogether.  Now I was on a mission to spend it.  Boy was I giddy!!!  I was goin to town!!!

My first stop,,. Arsicault Bakery on Arguello.  There's usually a line around the block.  First thing I ask, "Do you take cash???" Can't assume.  Not these days.  For sure I can spend a bunch of cash there.  Nope!!  I bought like 3 things... and even a fat, fat tip... I barely scratched the surface.  

So I headed back to the Speciality Coffee shop.  "Do you take cash???"  Then I ordered a jaw-dropping $7 cup of coffee and a $12 piece of cake.  Never in my right mind would I ever spend $2 for cake... let alone $12.  But here's where the problem starts.... the total came out to $21.90 and I only had $20's and a $1.  I'm out of practice.... I haven't spent cash in so long.  I could've given the cashier an extra $1, to get $0.10 back. But for whatever reason, I gave him a $20 and went into my wallet to fish out a $5.  Why??? I have no clue.  Now I got a bunch of change and didn't know what to do with it.  My mind was a mess. So I tipped the rest.  Only now... I didn't just spend the 利是錢， I'm dipping into my own money.  Ugh....

Ok... whatever.  The Lady M cake is good.  Coffee is above average.  Not worth $20.  But I still have money to spend.  So off I go to Pineapple King.  This place was a lot easier to deal with.  "Do you take cash???" After a quick exchange... I still had about $40 in my pocket. 

Next stop... was at Target.  I orignally wanted to get a grill brush, but they were out.  So I ended up getting two drinks and two containers of breathmints.  The total came out to like $13.12.  I popped the guy a $20.  He asked if I had $0.12.... he didn't want to make change.  I said I didn't.  (But I did!!! I forgot about my quarter!!!)  So he started fumbling around to make up the $0.88.  I was losing patience.  I kept thinking... "What's the quickest way to end this transaction???"  For some reason, on the cash register, I saw the number $3.72.  So I just rounded down and said, "Just gimme $3."  The cashier said, "That's it???" I said, sounding annoyed, "Yeah."  He said, "Ok."  Handed me $3... and I stormed out.  As I was walking out... I started to do mental math.  Wait a minute... I should be getting at least $6 back..... why did I round it to $3?????  But it was too embarrassing to turn back...

All in all... I had $8 left in cash.  Went to downtown Mt. View to pick NN up and I was early.  So I slipped into a boba place to get a Thai Milk Tea.  Nowadays a Thai Tea runs you $8-10.  I was pretty confident I can spend the rest of the cash and be rid of this baggage... this load.  But the cashier rung me up and said, "$5.50."  I said, "WHAT?!?! That's it?!?!?!"  She looked at me like I had two heads and 8 eyes.  I wistfully handed her $6.... got $0.50 change back.  And with along with the remaining dollar bills... it all went into her tip jar.  Like trash day... I just wanted to get rid of everything.

Sigh..... done.... all the cash.... spent.  Took a lot of work and now I have a car full of pastries, pineapple buns, soda, and candy.  What a healthy way of life.  Ohhhhh... but it gets better.

After dinner.... I suddenly remembered... there was a smaller red envelope with the $0.25.  Why a quarter... I don't know.  What I know is, it's resting in my blazer pocket.  I gotta go spend it... or toss it... or do something with it.   It can't stay in the house.  As I was searching for that quarter... I asked Joyce if she spent her 利是錢.  She pitifully chuckles at me and says, "No, not yet."  And marches upstairs to get it and said, "Go.  Go to Safeway or Trader Joe's."  And that was it.

I drove to Safeway with $21.50 in my pocket.... thinking I can get some fruit, cuz we're out of oranges.  And maybe some healthy snacks.  As I'm climbing up and down the aisles... I'm calculating and counting.  Don't want to spend too little... gotta use up the funds.  But don't want to spend too much... cuz I'll be using my own money!!! Must've walked around the store 3 times... and I finally found the right combo.  I got to the cashier... got my digital coupons... punched in telelphone number... got my member rewards.... and boom... $23 and change!!! BOOM!!! I did it!!!  Haha!!! I pulled out my phone and apple paid it and was about to leave when.... "Oh no!!"  I literally said it out loud, "Oh no!!!!"  The cashier looked at me, concerned.  I closed my eyes in disappointment.  Looked to my left and saw a long line.  "Nevermind... it's ok."  All that work... of counting and calculating... of shopping for things we don't need.  And I ended up... NOT using the cash!!!!!!  That $21.50... was still sitting in my pocket!!!! That was the whole point.  Use up the cash!!!!  

So what do I do??? Return everything and buy it again with cash????  That'll look so stupid.  Ended up rolling everything to the car... loaded it into the trunk and walked back into Safeway with my tail between my legs.  What am I doing???? In this desperate attempt to keep Tradition... to ward off Superstition.... I now have to go back and buy even more junk that we don't need!!!

What a big..... waste.... of time...... 

Grand Salami

Sunday evening... the rays raining down on us.  Bases loaded.  Bottom of the 6th, 2 outs.  The count is 2-0.  This happened.

Sad thing was... I lost track of the ball and didn't even know where it went.  New Vine won our first game of the season.  My son was there to witness it.  My girl was in the stands. One of the best moments of my life.  

Orchid Festival

In the beginning of summer... I had the sudden urge to plan local floral trips with mom.  And there lied an Orchid Festival in the middle of the city.  Fast forward two months.. after the discovery of the game/toys thing... I thought it was perfect the kids got to go out ot spend time with Grandma.

But what a dud and failure it turned out to be.  I left for the city first... found mom... got to Golden Gate Park and found parking.  But Joyce and kids had to turn back, after leaving on time, and that set them back 30 minutes.  It was meant well.. but we really shouldn't have gone back.  Then when they got to the park..  we were almost done with the exhibit - which was nothing more than 5-6 tables of display and a lot of local vendors running an indoor farmer's market.  Parking, by that time was atrocius, so Joyce dropped the kids off while she looped, and the kids spent no more than 10 minutes in the Festival.  

We headed to lunch... and it was a different atmosphere.  Went to this bougie salad place ($20 salad!!!!).  But NN was on her effin phone the entire time.  Sat as far away from mom as she possibly could and didn't even say a word during lunch.  She was enthralled with her own life to even pay any attention to family.  I get it... but I don't.  Sigh...

We were running late for Odyssey, so I had Joyce take mom home while SW and I drove to downtown.  But my blood was simply boiling at that point.... thank goodness SW is the happy go lucky one and simply knew what to do or what to say to keep me calm.

After the movie, we ended up going to the Mission District to get some Farolito burritos...and it turns out there's another taqueria whose lines are thrice as long!!! And because he's big and old enough, I was able to split up so we can sample both... kinda like Geno's and Pat's in Philly.  

Great intentions... but after all was said and done... another epic failure. 

Poignancy hits hard

Spent the day with mom to help her post cataract surgery.  Lots of driving... lots of caretaking... more than I expected.  She was literally blind as a bat this morning when I got there up till her dressings were removed. 

I actually gave myself plenty of time and expectation to spend the day there with the goal of organizing her kitchen which never seems to not smell like TCM or mildew when I walk in.  And as I was pointing out all the plaees that were messy or disorganized... and mom parried with the reason why things are the way things are... she finally sat down on the sofa.  Defeated.  Didn't want to argue anymore.  And started reflecting on how she wants to clean.  

Including... all the games and toys she had on her shelf.  And how all these years... she's been longing and waiting for us to visit her, so the kids can have something to do.  Or she can gift them with the toys and games.  But we never visited.  Or when we did... I was busy troubleshooting while the kids were on their devices.  And now that they're high school and college age... it's past that age ready to be trashed.  

She didn't say that out of shame... but just matter of fact.  And it's the matter of fact... that hits harder than targeted shame.

World Class Epic Fail

I don't ask for much... I really don't.  I just want the family to have a good time.  Create core memories.

This Sunday... after a couple of weeks of an icy, cold war, at home, I thought about taking everyone down to San Pedro Square for a nice lunch and then over to the MLK library for a Comic Book museum.  A nice Sunday afternoon, stress free, family time. 

Only for me to realize much later... that it's the World Cup Finals!!! Against my better judgement, I decided to go anyways.... and it turns out... traffic was horrible.  I dropped the family off first... but the place was over-capacity and not letting people in.  It was hot... they were hungry... lots of walking and crowds.  I got hangry and frusturated and snapped at them.  It made it for a very quiet lunch.

Then things got better after we refueled.... we walked to the library... got to the 5th floor for the exhibit only to see that it's closed on Sundays!! OMG.... all that walking and waiting.  

So soften the overall blow... we drove to HeyTea which was BOGO if you brought any ball to order.  The line was soooo long and slow... it took us 40 minutes to order.  Then it took another 45 minutes to get our order.  

俗語有雲：頭頭碰著黑。 That's how I felt today....

And to cap it off.... went 1 for 2 with like 3 errors playing Short today.  OMG.... when does this freefall stop!!!

Wasted opportunity

Picked up SW from open gym today and for some reason... I started sharing about my recent woes and depression.  I didn't exactly phrase it that way... but summarized it to the likes of "It's been a rough couple of weeks. You try to find a song on the radio, and nothing fits.  You doom scroll, and there's nothing to watch.  You want to do stuff, but you're just not motivated."

He responded by sharing... "That's when you gotta lock in, go for a run.  Or set up a playlist.  And let the playlist carry your run."  

At that time... I didn't realize how serious he got, cuz I got quiet.  I drawed him in.  He leaned in.  And when he did, I yelled, "龜波氣功！"  It startled him and he laughed thinking how funny it was.

Later tonight... I realized... SW was actually maturing up and opening up to share in my problems.  Dad has issues too.  And he was empathetic and willing to bear my burden.  And here I ruined it with a stupid joke.  Typical me... wasted opportunity. 

For the first time

Met NN’s boyfriend’s parents, officially, for the first time. Well.. .I’ve kinda known them for years from various SJCAC capacities. But it was the first time for Joyce.

Then at dinner… NPY (aka Nippy) chose to sit next to me. That was brave of him.. but valor pays off. A great first impression. Actually.. I’ve known about the Sihoe boys for years. Not of the rest of the boys… particularly during the all church retreat, they did the ropes course with their parents. And c’mon… with names like Caleb and Gideon, how do you not know them. In terms of church boys… I think we hit the jackpot. Maybe God bless… and continue to nourish this relationship.

Depression Mounts Again

 This all too familiar feeling of suffocation.  I can’t shake it.  I can’t ignore it.  This is the third one the past month… and there’ll probably be more.  They deserve it.  I should be happy for them.  And yet.. I’m here wallowing in my own sorrows or even pity that I will never be that man.  Maybe I’m not.  Maybe I’m not all that I think I am.  I compare… and I can’t help but think, why not me?   Too familiar are these feelings.. when the kids didn’t make the sports teams’ cuts.  I know that gut punch suffocation… and there literally is nothing that can help me breathe.