I don't listen...?

One of the toughest part in being a parent of a club athlete... the drive home.

NN didn't have an exceptionally good day.  She didn't have a bad day.  But on a scale of 1-10... it's on the lower end of the scale with her stock trending down.  Not sure what it is with her play.  2 years since Tropical Touch... and she still doesn't hit as well as 14 year old Kelly or Devon.  Excuses... excuses... excuses.... but no breakthrough.  I've tried.  Numerous coaches have tried.  And we still can't figure it out. 

I already knew it wasn't a good time to bring up any "suggestions" or "critiques."  It was... play the "I agree" card.  But when she started talking about her elevation and how she isn't getting her height... I carefully (and regretfully) agreed.  I started by saying she wasn't exploding cuz the sets weren't there.  Then I said... from my vantage point... it was just her hands over the net.  Either she's just jumping with her ankles/calves.... or she's not using her quads.... or she's not getting the timing. 

But that spiraled into a "all I have is my elevation... without that... I have nothing."  And it continued to go downhill from there.  She says I'm not listening.  I told her I was agreeing with her.  Then she said she doesn't want me to go to another game again.  (I paused.). "Really??"  "Not if we end up fighting like this."  I said, "Fine."  Door slammed prominently in my face.  And even though I know she doesn't mean it... deep down... there's probably some truth to it.   It's almost like... "You don't support me?? I don't want you in my life!"

This is so stupid.  I agree with her.  And I get in trouble.  I try to be supportive.  And I get called out for raining on her parade and not understanding her.  It must've been my travel... where I'm still recovering from lack of sleep.  Or from waking up early and being at a tournament all day.  I was tired.  My guard was down.  I wasn't filtered.  And I chose not to back down.  "No... I'm not taking the fall for this.  You asked for my thoughts and I gave you my observation.  If it's not the truth... fine."  

I didn't want us to go to bed angry.... or at least... didn't want the sun go down in anger.  So I did the adult/fatherly thing, walked into her room, and apologized for what happened.  She wasn't ready to talk and I don't blame her.  These things take time... and it's not like they're all 100% going to be done by sun going down.  We shall see.... 

Sigh... to be a father. 

Day of Reckoning

Today I came clean.

Woe is me

 This Hawaii trip... more than any recent events... are really showing signs of me aging.  SW jokingly says "You're past your prime."  His joke isn't false.  I am aging.  Slowing.  Losing it.  That edge.  That sharpness.  That intellectual and physical prowess.  That energy level...  just isn't what it use to be. 

Shoulda seen it coming from before the trip.  I didn't deep dive like I use to in planning.  I only got one... instead of 3-4 vacation books.  And the pre-travel schedule was... sparse.  I opted to "let it flow" with a mishmash of beaches, restaurants, and a collage of stamp hitting.  It'll come back to bite me - Fail.

Saturday before take off... I buy the 3 day national park pass.  Only for me to forget on Monday morning... and remember Monday evening... to get my Sunrise Tour pass, which by the time, was sold out.  After kicking myself for 30 minutes... and the family trying to console me... I opted for plan B.  Get the Spoiled Rich Asians to log on while I'm on a plane and hopefully get that pass.  Otherwise... the $30 National Park pass... wasted.   Missing my purchasing window - Fail.  Letting the cart lead the horse - Fail. 

Upon arrival at airport... for whatever reason, I skipped the checkin kiosks, and thereby skipped printing the check-in luggage sticker.  I get to the front of the line... only to be sent (wait for it) with my bags packing.  Wasted 10 minutes.  Travel gaffe - Fail. 

Upon landing... being tired, hangry, and a little off my game... I get into a huge fight with NN at the Food Truck stop.  Completely and utterly unnecessary...and I just couldn't control myself.  Fatherhood - Fail. 

Day 2 of heading out... and I can't find the car keys.  Did I drop it? Did I leave it in the car? The car is locked... so no.  I call Lost and Found - nada.  Went back and forth between the garage and room.  Fruitless.  Was about to call the Car Rental Agency for help... and instead, got a call from Nui Nui.  "In the words of Momma - Found it."  It was in my backpack.  Missplacing keys - Fail.

After a round of golf where I was bumbling and fumbling with golf balls, tees, drinks, bluetooth speakers, letting golfers play through, finding lost balls, scraping up divots in the sand pit... returning our golf carts and getting back in the car... I forget my wallet.  Luckily the worker found it and sped it to me.  Forgetting my wallet - Fail. 

Running the rental car into the parking lot column... and scratching the side of the car...  Not with my driving skills.  Not with my parking skills.  No!!  But alas... turning down CDW.  Fail.

For all these fails... I'm sure there were equally as many, if not more, successes.  And yet, these are the things I remember from an otherwise, pretty perfect trip to paradise. 

Part of your world

Growing up... I hated the story of the Little Mermaid.  I guess the first taste of it was a Chinese Story book that was based really closely on the Hans Andersen version where the star character dies and becomes sea foam. In the 90's... when Disney took a stab at it and rocked the animated and soundtrack world... I didn't like it because it was about a girl and Ursula was simply hideous.  Fast forward to becoming a dad and the Disney Princess era... I hated it because the story is about a girl defying her father, getting herself in deep doo-doo, almost getting her dad killed, then she gets what she wants!!!! HORRIBLE!!!  

So in the Leung household... we watched all the Disney animated features, except Little Mermaid.  

Then last night... after a week of boiling and simmering at home... I come to realize that a gut wrenching father/daughter story this truly is.  Rewind 10 years... my younger more brash self would say it's a disobedient teenage daughter wreaking havoc to everyone's lives.  10 years later.... the father drives the daughter away because he chooses to decide what's best for her/for him.  

Several times I teared up during the show.... and at the finale... the wedding scene... I simply couldn't watch anymore. If All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players...then NN, would you allow me... to be part of your world? 

Catastrophic Failure

 Saturday afternoon we took NN to MVVC for Club Volleyball tryouts.  OMG.... there were easily 200+ girls on 4 courts.  Girls from different age and sizes... all vying for 10 spots each on 4 teams.  There was no way.  As good as NN is... she's no where near the level of play of these girls.  No harm no foul.  Cuz Sunday... we're gonna go to Panda Volleyball.  The name, already, sounds less competitive.  Of course she'll get in!!  OMG.... the quality and skill of these girls were even better than MVVC!!! What a friggin waste of time.  And the organizer did a very unprofessional job of letting the contestants know their fate.

Needless to say... NN did not make either of the team.  And last night... after doing some research, I find out the deep, dark world of Girls' Club Volleyball.  How all the teams hold tryout on the same weekend - thereby making players choose which one to go to.  Teams also want the best of the best.  So all the teams form their teams of 10-12 on the same weekend.  And literally, hundreds of girls go home empty handed.  Girls who want to play professional. Those who want a scholarship and play in college.  Or even dear little NN... who just wants to play.  

I feel like I failed her as a father.  Shoulda gotten her into sports at a much younger age.  Now that she's in her teenage years... it's already too late!! Plus, she's not especially gifted physically in height and strength. 

Why is it so hard?!?!??  NN is forced to grow up way too fast.  This isn't fair.  Life is unfair.  

Seattle Trip

"Vacations" are fun and relaxing (depending on your definition).  "Trips" are getaways that is not a vacation, quite possibly, an obligation hence, the title. We could have gone to Vancouver... but the kids' passports expired and we didn't want to expedite and live under the stress of missing those dates.  In spite of all the family drama behind setting this up... the stars aligned where we were able to meet in Seattle to have a mini-reunion of sorts with Aunts/Uncles that are in their late 70's and early 80's. 

And with all trips/vacations... I did my part planning.  "Failing to plan is...."  (kid's in unision)  "... Planning to fail." 

Did my 5-Day Seattle trip research.  Found different types of cuisine. Researched things to do for all age range... from an 8 year old to an 80 year old.  Took into account different weather patterns, different physical capabilities - hikes for beginners, intermediates and advance, different interests, and finally.....  the touristy spots.

 I unveiled the itinerary to the kids days before the trip and got their approval.  They loved it.  All throughout the trip... "What's next on the itinerary??"  Heh... 

Day 1 - Arrival

We took the first flight out of San Jose - 6:45AM, with an early arrival of 8:30AM, so we get an entire day in Seattle before the Aunts arrived.  But that meant waking up at 4AM - it also meant saving $400.  But boy did we pay... the kids were so tired and sleepy.  No one wanted to walk and just wanna hit the hotel.  I was ready for this. I planned for landing, brunching, brief walk and just chill.  Very, very much needed.  

Highlights - Tried out an Amazon Go, where you walk in with your Prime Account, shop, walk out without paying, and you get charged.  And right when we stepped out of a restaurant in the middle of Pike's Place... we run into SW's best friend from church.  Of all the places...of all the moments... of all the locations...

Lowlight - Everyone was in a bad mood except for me. HA!!  "How do you have so much energy daddy??!"

Day 2 - Aunts Arrive

Headed to the local Starbucks Reserve in the morning.  The kids were fully rested so they had a pretty good time.  Then headed to "The Spheres" that ended up being a disappointment because you need to reserve 15 days in advance to get into Amazon HQs.  Killed enough time to pick up the aunts... and everything just went from 1x to 0.75x.  We're gonna go slooooooooooooooooooow for the duration of the trip.  

Highlights - Space Needle and Glass Museum.  The food at A+ Cafe and running into Keno / Siu!! 

Lowlight - Not getting a seat at Din Tai Fung despite me calling ahead and them saying the wait is only 15 minutes. 

Day 3 - July 4th

The Aunts met up with some friends in Seattle and this was suppose to be the first of several outdoor days - including a 27 mile backride around Lake Washington.  Did it happen??? NOPE!!! Ended up going to a yucky beach infested with algae.  Ugh....  we then headed to MPOP - overrated - and ended the night at a brewery.  Ok... it wasn't a bad day.

Highlights - Kids spending almost 2 hours in the video game museum.  Running into David and Sandy!!

Lowlights - Not doing my 27 mile bike ride or outdoor hike.

Day 4 - Aunts Depart

Woke up in the morning and decided to take the Aunts to the Starbucks Reserved by myself.  C'mon... kids, wake up at 7AM!? To drink coffee?!?  Please.  We then headed back to the hotel for them to pack, got them checked out, and off we went to.... Bruce Lee's grave.  To my surprise..  they were NOT comfortable with visiting a cemetery at all.  I thought they'll be excited - like me.  Oh well... big FAIL.  Went back lunch at Chinatown... then headed to the Seattle Aquarium.  Boy do we have it good in Monterey... this Aquarium is so tiny.  Took the kids on a spin of the Giant Wheel and we headed back to the hotel to chill before dinner time.  When we got to the train station... and everyone was in line to board the train, Amtrack says there's a mechanical issue and they re-routed everyone onto a bus.  Mad scramble!! Glad that Joyce and I were there - otherwise who knows what would've happened to them. 

Highlights - Visiting the Dragon

Lowlights - Dough Zone - bleah!!  And sending pics of the gravesite to my family.  Oops! Big no no, apparently. 

Day 5 - Clear the Board

The aunts were gone... now we can go do our own thing. Originally wanted to do a Kayak around the bay... but there were too many hurdles and piss poor planning (on my part, mind you) to make it happen. Plus, I don't think anyone other than me, SW, and NN really wanted to do it.  So we planned it so we can hit up some of the eateries at Pike's Place that we missed on the first day - including the "#1 rated food item, not in Seattle, but on Yelp." And also that "Piroshky" place.  Ok... they were good, not great, but good.  Then drove 30 minutes to hit up a Rock and Jump place, but smaller.  Headed back home to chill... only... I made a stop at the Mariner's Team Store at what was formerly known as SafeCo Field, now T-Mobile Park, where I got to shop for a good 45 minutes.  Ended the night at Din Tai Fung... where we should've ended up on Day 2.

Highlights - SW getting his fix for Clam Chowder.  He asked for it since day 1 when we arrived.  Kids getting an hour and 15 minutes of free time to run, jump, and play.  The laser maze where Joyce/NN beat me and SW - although, they knew exactly what to do after seeing us do it twice.

Lowlight - This really tears at my heart, cuz I single-handedly ruin the trip here. 

Day 6 - Homeward Bound

Last day of the trip... got some brunch, headed to the cruise, hit up a Mall and Children's Museum and time to head out.  Planned to take the last flight out of Seattle.. cuz as late as we were to land... we get to sleep in our own bed that night.  Ahhhh.... Home Sweet Home.

Highlights - Motorized scooter in the streets of Seattle.  Street parking and Park and Go app.  I spent exactly half of what Grace spent for parking... cuz I was cheap enough and willing to walk a little.  

Lowlights - well.... in summary.  Me.  Woe be me.

Power of an Apology

For some odd reason... a conversation about kids with short legs needing to walk 1.5 - 2x the steps as an adult.  That triggered a deep memory of when SW was maybe 3-4.  And we were driving somewhere as a family.  We were maybe about 0.5 away from the house when he did something to trigger me.  To a point where I pulled over... dragged him out of the car... and walked home.  I remember being pissed and I was walking faster than normal.  The anger consumed me... not to a point of being a lunatic... but a little 3-4 year old would pretty much have to RUN to keep pace.  And to imagine the fear or the confusion he was going through during that 0.5 miles of walking.

7-8 years later...

Earlier this evening... I asked SW if he remembers that event.  He doesn't.  Then I apologized. I apologized for losing my cool and putting him through that.  And I complimented that he is 好乖， 真係好乖。 What I didn't expect was... he started tearing up... turned his head and wiped away tears.  

Sigh... if I had a time machine... 

Warriors Championship Parade

This can only happen once in a lifetime... but amazingly... it's happened 4x for the Warriors and 3x for the Giants. (When will the Niners get theirs?!?!?!)

Surprisingly... NN agreed to go out to the city with me and hang out with dad for the parade.  

I wanted it to be a perfect day... but that's exactly what it wasn't.  First off... do you take public transit (during COVID??) or drive and pay? I reserved a spot for $20.

Then it's finding a spot to hang out. We started out 2 layers deep (schucks) and ended up 5 layers deep by the time the parade started. 

Dunno what the City did or what the Warriors decided to do... but we got there at 9AM.... and stood until 12:40PM until a real float showed up. GEEZ LOUISE PUH-LEEZ!!!!  I felt so bad.... we shoulda stood at the front of the parade... so it's get in get out.  We ended up baking in the sun.  We were crowded. We sniffed marijuana and 2nd hand smoke for hours. And we endured hours of yelling and cussing.

More importantly... as we walked from our Hall of Justice parking to the parade... NN got to experience the "city."  Homelessness. Drunks. Mentally unstable. Loud traffic. They were all there.... to a point where I felt it was irresponsible to bring a teenage girl to the city.  But I aptly said... "I walked these streets all the time as a kid." And that wasn't a lie.

We missed lunch...and ended finding a hole in the wall, Chinese BBQ place in Portola Valley and we were famished.  Inhaled our food and then found a way to convince dad to let me drive him home.  That ended up being an hour detour.  It was so hard to drive in and out of the city.  And Google maps routed me through all these streets and neighborhoods I've never been.  The city is alive. 

After I got home… I regretted so many things. I regretted not bringing lawn chairs with us to sit. I regretted making NN endure what she endured. I regretted making dad stick with us for the 5 hours. And as I’m putting Nn to bed… she said “Forget the bad. Remember the good. This was a good day.”

It's not what you say... it's how you say it.

Today was our best chance and possibly only chance at securing a Win.  We were up 3-0, and within an instant, it became 3-4.  The opposing team never looked back.  

We had more skills.  We had better plays.  On average, we had better players. But sometimes, you run across a team that's stacked with Shaq, Yao Ming, and Shawn Bradley.  They simply had more height and reach than us.  We weren't as sloppy as the last couple of games... but that could be because their defense wasn't to that level yet. 

NN missed 3 layups... she missed 3 free throws.  Can't fault her alone... but those were "gimmies" that would've altered the game.  So frustrating when you see the players dribbling and looking down at their feet.  Equally as frustrating is when we had some transitions with a player clearly ahead of the pack... but the ball handler hogged the ball and gave away a perfect scoring opportunity. Nobody moves. Everyone stands there expecting the ball to come to them...that hardly ever works.

The worst part of it... was when the opposing team had a player, clearly a newb... shoot free throws underhanded.  Thankfully everyone was wearing masks...but you can tell from body language and hear the snickers and laughter.  That is so unsportsmanlike. So rude. So.... non-TKA.  My heart sank out of disappointment.  We're better than that.  It didn't matter if we won or loss... that stained everything.

I took this loss just as, if not harder, than the girls.  I couldn't contain my emotions all night.  Tried my best to suppress my feelings... until NN came into the room and we talked through the game like we normally do.  She too, was angry at herself... frustrated with the outcome.  But when she started complaining about this and that... and complained about too much playing time... I lost it.  I asked her, straight up, "Do you want to play?? Do you want to win??" 

It's not what I said... it's how I said it.  The night was over.  

It's all worth it....

It's the worst kept secret in the world.... JH basketball... particularly 7th and 8th graders are the worst.  They're easily distracted.  They talk back.  They challenge your authority.  And they ask "Why" in everything you say (or don't say). 

Head Coach Mike was busy today so I had to run practice.  What a Pain in the Neck.... I felt like laying the smack down on half the girls for their attention span or insouciance. I even ripped into one of them (NN, no less).

Then.... I bump into Dorcas.  She goes to our church and has a child in 12th grade.  We got to talking and my words were, "I get a chance to see my daughters' friends. I get to hang out with someone who might ignore me for the next 5 years. For all the pain and agony... it's all worth it."

And indeed... it truly is.

Through the eyes of a child

COVID19 - School Closure - Day 157 School Reopens - Day 259

Took the opportunity of a 3 day weekend to head out to the city to see the folks. I knew it was gonna be an uphill battle. The day was going to be long... and there'll be some unhappy moments (sprinkled with unforgettable moments).  

We first went to see dad... picked up some San Tung chicken wings and headed to his place for lunch.  We then headed to his rec center and played a long awaited yet much anticipated game of ping pong with his grandson.  Very much forgettable... and possibly a top 10 moment of the 20's.  But the forgettable thing was... dad couldn't stop thanking "SW" for making his wish come true.  Even though he really did have a dream of playing with SW... not once, did dad make any mentions of playing with NN. ***grrrr***

Then we headed over to shoot some hoops together.  Dad has been bothered by an ailing back problem but he muscled through it and we got some 2 on 2 action in there.  Seeing dad really struggle there towards the end... I ended the game in a hurry.  NN continued to shoot... to which dad was thoroughly impressed by her shooting strength and accuracy.  And NN continued to shoot... in a way... to show dad that she's not "just another girl."  It was a statement moment for her.  

We then wrapped up the afternoon and evening spending time with mom.  Taking her Costco shopping... then trudged through traffic to take a short hike at Golden Gate Park.  I really didn't know what else to do with them.  By that time... everyone was exhausted and emotions started bubbling.  I tried to handle it in stride... to which... I too, finally collapsed and couldn't bite my tongue anymore and snapped at mom.

At night..  while putting NN to sleep.. she game me a synopsis of the day.

"No matter what happens... 爺爺 will always see past me and see SW and CT."  To which I can only reply.. "So true.  Just be glad that 嫲嫲 can't stop talking at you or about you."

Then she made some keen observations...

"It's obvious you and 爺爺  have a closer relationship.  I see you laughing and joking with him.  With 嫲嫲, she's doing the talking and you're listening.  And she gets on your nerves sometimes and you snap at her."  Crap... not a good example to be setting.  And frankly... nothing much I can do to hide it anymore.

She then goes on and on about how she sees our family relationship.  About how I deal with the in-laws... and then how I have a bias even to her and SW.  To which, I denied nothing and simply listened.  NN is coming of age... she knows what's going on.  She knows the right things to say... and how to look for that unicorn of a silver lining.  But when it's all said and done... our family is very much broken... like most other families out there, I guess. 

Father Follies

COVID19 - School Closure - Day 157  School Reopens - Day 169

Starting a new series called Father Follies... mistakes I make as a father that... by God's grace... isn't overly damaging, but when we look back...will bring barrels of laughter and relieve. 

Decided to take both kids biking... but didn't want to redo the Los Gatos Bike Trail.  Found the Quicksilver Bike Trail which looked promising.  Outdoorsy... 10 mile loop.  The only problem is there's an initial grade that's considered "intermediate."  

When we got there... and I saw the trail... it was full of rocks and pebbles.  I started to have some doubt this will be too challenging.  But I willed myself forward.  The grade was as steep as those San Francisco hills I've had to climb.  I could barely get up there on 1st gear... let alone two kids with 100 lb bikes.  So we decided to push our bikes to the apex.... and once we get to the flat part... we can enjoy the ride and scenery.  Hill after hill... bend after bend... I keep telling them we're almost at the top.  

As we're going up... we see these mountain bikers zip down and smile at us.  After about 0.5 mile... what felt like 5 miles... I busted out my phone to re-read the website's description.  Only to see that the initial steep climb.... is 3 miles!!!!  That's when I waved the white flag and called it quits.  Not today...  ain't worth it.  

Since we made the climb... why not ride our way back down?? On slippery, pebble-ridden paths, with dips and holes.   We gave it a try... but I heard too many slipping tires.  They don't know the first thing about left hand / right hand braking.  And I certainly can't carry two injured kids and 3 bikes back down the hill.  Yeah... no.  We ended up trudging back down the hill to the van.  

The day ended well.  We stopped by another park on the way home and rode a quiet, flat, well paved path for about 5 miles.  But no one will remember that path.  We will always talk about how Bah-B almost got them kill... because he couldn't read the internet correctly.  

Bad father... horrible father...

Today... I officially forgot my own son's birthday.  Had to go back to Facebook to check when I posted his first pic.  I claim overtiredness.  Joyce wasn't very forgiving...