After so many years at SJCAC... Amy c-mo gave me one of the best Christmas presents ever. She gave me the opportunity to lead worship. (all the other worship leaders were out of town... and she didn't want to do it herself)
The practices were great! The worship team was formed perfectly for a newbie like me. But when it came time for the real deal... ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... So many mistakes. I missed the beats. I entered at the wrong place. My mouth and throat were dry. I went waaaaay too long. And I don't think I really had the worship effect I wanted. In a way... I think I was seeking the results of the worship from the congregation instead of from God, Himself. Shame on me.
That was me, living my dream, for one day.
Then came the time for me to live (or relive my nightmare). After watching Moana with my mom and family, we had some time to kill before dinner. So we went to Union Square in SF - the very site where I put my precious daughter in the emergency room last year when I skated over her thumb which resulted in 7 stitches. (Posted here)
When we first arrived... she did not recognize the place. Nn was enjoying herself as any child would - sucking in the Christmas atmosphere. Then she walked ahead with grandma while I stayed behind with SW to watch a street performer. When I caught up with them... I saw her eyes. I saw her face. She remembered. She stared straight into me. I couldn't look away. All I could do at that moment was.... open up my arms and invite her to run towards me.
She ran and jumped into my arms and said, "I never want to talk about this again." This.... while she pointed to her thumb. And at that moment... I had to relive one of the worst nightmares I've never forgotten. Not one day goes by...where that moment doesn't haunt me and send chills down my back.
Merry Christmas.... and may God's joy and peace come upon you and your family. I hope His peace can finally come upon me where I can find forgiveness within myself.
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