Picked up and reopened a binder from the past. It's from an ex-girlfriend. A binder full of her poems that she wrote and comments on every poem. Where is this ex now? Does she even remember me? Or does it even matter to her that I exist? I'm not a self centered guy...not too much at least. I don't care too much if she does or doesn't. What matters is, she is still a part of my past. A huge part... what was once a pair of best friends, a pair of kindred spirits....are now two independent persons that seize to acknowledge one another's existence. What is God's intention for this to happen? One dynasty falls for the rise of another empire.
I'm saddened at how I single-handedly destroyed and annihliated such a great thing. I was naive in thinking the world would always revolve around me. That I can break things and piece things back together without slowing down to 65. That arrogance has led to my own personal downfall. And what have I gotten out of it? A life that's so full of blessings that it's almost imcomprehensible to realize the downfall was indeed something bad. But in the end, it is. I've hurt someone, I've hurt myself.
You go to a candy store with your mom and she makes you pick between the giant size lollipop or the heavy chunk of milk chocolate. Both are great.. but there can be only one. How I long to just lift both treasures up and walk out the store in ultimate victory. Needless to say, that only happens in fairy tales.
The words she wrote in that binder were pure. It was her shouting out for joy, that I made a difference in her life. It was two people admitting to each other, "Gee, thanks for being yourself. You've made my life better just for being here today." It wasn't about lust, or puppy-love, or infatuations... it was a binding friendship that was once thought to be inseparable.
This was 7 years ago....7 years ago I couldn't even buy alcohol yet or rent a car. But her words are still so meaningful and passionate, yet mysterious "Oh, and as a reminder, in five years (from today), you're suppose to ask me something." Or how she knew my favorite songs were "Yesterday" and "Prayer of St. Francis." How she used one of my favorite lines in all of writing "Make me an instrument of your peace..." as a basis for one of her poems. How she took into consideration my love for the book "The Outsiders" and my handicap of being color-blind.
Her final poem:
"Pooh, promise you won't forget about me, ever. Not even when I'm a hundred." Pooh thought for a little while. "How old shall I be then?" "Ninety-nine." Pooh nodded. "I promise," he said.
Her comment to the poem:
"Well, you promise not to forget me, okay? And I won't forget you." - October 6, 1998.
You can't just forget someone and have them wiped out from your memory (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind). She's happily married now to a great guy. She's living a life that I would want her to live... I'm living a life that's so full of blessings I can't even start to complain. If it's in God's will that this friendship be severed in order to start two new lives, two new wonderful lives...then it's probably a great thing!!
I do wish to reconcile with her...and the rest of the group some day. But that's just my engineering-self talking. Closure is a great thing. I don't like leaving things undone or hanging. Makes me feel incompetent to some degree. Whatever happens, happens.
As Joycie and I move to our new home together, it's probably time that I let go of this binder of thoughts and memories. A tree you once were, and paper you have served to a romantic poet, now you will be recycled to serve as paper for the next romantic poet with a thought or two to spell out in words....
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