Bathroom Etiquette

There are some things in every day life that really gets to me... some things that, if I were some monarch in a desolate country off the coast off Timbuktu, I would most certainly ratify as LAW. One of these things is public bathroom etiquettes. What you do in the privacy of your own home is your business. Your wife says, "Put the seat down" but you refuse to budge, that's your business. But in the arena where we share this Mansion of Solitude Confinement, common courtesy must take into effect. And all I can talk about are Men's Room. Ladies' Room is a whole other planet. I've been in a ladies room maybe twice since I've turned 3. Once was cuz the men's room was busted at the Chevron off of Hwy 5 in the middle of nowhere (and oh btw....it IS a lot nicer in there) and the other time was clearly CLEARLY effects of taking Nyquil and waking up too early for an 8AM Midterm. It wasn't even till last month did I realize ladies restrooms have breastmilk pumping stations!! (It wasn't till last month did I realize ladies could pump breastmilk...) Kudos to Women's Rights! Back to the main topic here...

1) You are what you eat. Guys...if you're not going to wash your hands, at least pretend to turn on the faucet. There are people in there with you! We see what you've done (for the most part) and we hear what just happened. Those hands!! Those hands are going to touch the door handle that I'm going to touch. Those hands are going to grab the coffee pot handle I'm going to grab. Those hands are going to be shaking hands with our customers - who may possibly well be a Major or Captain. Those hands are the very same hands that'll be holding your little kid tonight! Those very hands will be caressing that Bacon Cheesburger you're having for lunch.

2) Practice double flush. After you're done...flush once and look back. Make sure you're not leaving a mark. We're not animals, we don't need to mark our territories. I can't count how many times I've walked into a stall to see what resembles a hurriance of chocolate cake and vanilla pudding.

3) The courtesy flush. Every now and then (and for some, every now and now) we get the runs. The unassuming, non-alerting explosion that makes you wonder, where did it all come from?! And how do you know it's really bad...when you can smell your own work-of-art. That's when it's REALLY REALLY bad. You go in there for a quick #2, and you find yourself vomiting from the stench of your own creation. But c'mon...if you smell it, so does the guy next to you!! And the guy coming in after you! Get rid of what's floating and start out with a fresh bowl of water. This isn't an airplane, gas masks don't automatically fall from the ceiling.

4) I read what I want, not what You want. I like reading in the bathroom. Short enriching articles that allow me to escape from my cubicle and conference rooms. Sharing newspapers isn't a bad idea either (especially Fry's ads) if done santitarily. Just don't print out your emails with your name on them and leave the hardcopies behind!! I don't want to know you've been in here before me. I don't want to know what you're reading. And I certainly don't want to get hooked into your personal life of being an Animal Psychologist at the Puppy Pound Grooming Salon!

5) An office is an office except when it's not. Males have a hard time bonding. We hardly ever have afternoon tea where we just talk. We always have to be doing something. Playing golf, throwing darts, watching a baseball game.... If you happen to go in there with a friend, don't feel obligated to bond. A few minutes of silence is NOT awkward. Know that your companion isn't in there to bond with you. Oh...and please don't shout over stalls to one another. Have the decency to respect other people's few moments of solitude. How many times do you need to watch Seinfeld to know that whoever you talk about inside a bathroom, is probably sitting in the stall that's closed.

6) He turns, he shoots and he scores!! We all do it...we all think we're Michael Jordan. Especially with the basket being 20 times bigger than your wad of paper towel. But you're NOT Michael...and you WILL miss. Look when you shoot and don't be like Mike...but for once, be like Rodman. Grab your rebound...pick up your wet towel and make life easier on the dude who's picking up after you.

7) Can't really help it. This isn't something we can do on our own...but have you ever wondered what's the grungiest, dirtiest, most sickening place is in the bathroom?? It's the COLD water faucet handle on every sink. Anyone who's just been done with their deed comes out and first thing they do, turn on the faucet. With which hand?? (That really depends on you) Everyone gets a turn on that handle and when you're done soaping up and sanitizing, what do you do?? You recontaminate yourself by turning it off. Then you reach over to the paper towel dispenser and pull on the knob that's equally contaminated. Hrm..... maybe the guys who don't wash their hands are 1-Up on us. Impore your companies to install Sensor Operated Sinks and Towel Dispensers.

8) Lastly....and this is probably the most sensitive of all, Keep yours eyes looking straight ahead. Enough said.