Leadership Fail

One discussion topic we had this weekend was "How do you nurture trust as a leader?"

My answer - "Let go."  Empower someone. Delegate. Trust that the person will do something.. though not in accordance to your plan.. but ultimately will achieve the same goal.  Easier said than done.

I had my doubts when I first asked Roy to lead the Vision Sprint exercise. My initial thoughts were, he's actually been to a Start Up Weekend and knows what it takes.  But in our discussion...and then during his execution... I felt the the exercise was missing the target (aka MYtarget).  So I couldn't help but step in.

I tried... I seriously did.  Twice, during the one hour exercise, I pulled him aside to confer.  But I still couldn't stay in my seat and keep my mouth shut.

In the end... I think I achieved my goal of what I had envisioned. But I probably failed at achieving my goal of gaining trust... of delegation... of empowering.  Unlike PAL... who trusted me to do whatever I wanted.

Sigh... I guess I can only point at myself as being that hypocrite.

The Breaking Point

During a friendly family competition of ping pong where I was the ref and scorekeeper, a very conventional play turned out to nearly split this family apart when I awarded a point to NN.  SW became a completely different person and actually yelled at me, "No!! That was out!! You just want 家姐 to win!"

To which point... I was so hurt, I channeled all that energy into anger.  "Are you calling me a liar!!!"  And I almost flipped the table upside down - I was that beyond myself. 

Kids talking back is expected and is unavoidable.  But having your flesh and bone yell at you - I was not prepared for that day to come so quick.  He wasn't always like this, especially when it comes to games or competition.  The older he gets, the more he's taking after his friends in school.  Arguing and bickering and down right cheating.

I spent a good 5 minutes just staring at him and he didn't dare move.  The house was dead quiet.  Mom and NN knew to stay away.  I think... had he apologized, things would've quickly and quietly simmered down.  But he didn't.  Was it because he didn't want to? Or he didn't know how...? Quite honestly.. he doesn't get in trouble often. 

The night did not end well.  Nor the days after.  I'm still recovering from that moment of piercing pain.  And SW...?? Well... I hope and pray that... in this instance... he does NOT turn out to be like me.

Pre-Thanksgiving

At All-Church Prayer Meeting last night... Douglas had us give thanks to 2 people and bless that person.  Both Mark and Miranda thanked me for my creativity.  Hmm.... is that who I am???

(Starting to think of 5 Things.)

Turning a new page...

Chaperoning the kids to their annual field trip to Kings Academy for a musical.

Last night... we officially removed NN's baby car seat and permanently replaced it with a booster.  She actually doesn't even need a booster anymore.  My Nui-nui Ju.  Growing up to fast.

Today... Mrs. Koch tells me SW was very upset to find out I wasn't driving him. (I ended up driving Nn and 3 of her friends).  She told me that SW can sit with me during the performance.  When I buckled him up in Dorothy's car... his eyes were very teary.  "Why can't I ride with you Daddy??" I gave him the biggest smile... "Cuz you get to ride with all the men!!!" Referring to his friends. To which his friends all shouted... "YEEEEEEAAAAHHH!!!"

At King's, I sought him out and asked, "Do you want to sit with Bah-B or with your friends?"

Of course... SW said.................................................

為罪為義...為審判

When the Holy Spirit wants to come down and stare you straight in the eye... where can you hide? Where can you evade?? Such was the case at this year's CS Retreat - "Entering into the Abundance of Christ." 

The event - in all honesty was almost a chore.
The speaker - in all honesty was average.
The topic - was overused and conventional.
Holy Spirit - He is real.  He is powerful. He was there.

Morning TWA - not a big fan of corporate devotion.  Right away... Pastor Alan asked, "Henry, how do you show your love for your wife?" I wanted to answer "I sing to her."  But I resorted to a safer answer.

Then in that morning's passage... God ridicules those who sing with an empty heart.  Further down the passage... God condemns the sin of 玷污婚姻的床.  I wanted to find a place to hide.  Tears started welling up. 

In the speaker's message... in between dozing in and out of consciousness... he says, "If Jesus came to your house, you can have that one spot in your house that stinks so bad.. that reeks of evil... you would never want Christ to see."  Ohhhh...but He sees. He knows.  And His Spirit was tugging my heart.

Towards the end... there was a time of intercession and prayer.  I could not NOT go out.  It wasn't to the speaker.  Nor to Papa John and Christina.  Standing there... was my beloved 國威 and Connie.  Two of the most unassuming and loving people God created.  I needed to confess my sins.  My impurities.  My sin against God and sin against my wife.  How I've broken my vows.  How I am an unfaithful husband. 

No words of condemnation.  None.  They praised God for my openness.  They celebrated the fact that Jesus' blood has the power to cleanse. They wept and cried with me as we stood in front of our Lord and Savior.  There is no hiding. None.  The Holy Spirit was there.  For sin...for righteousness... for judgement. 

And long gone, much foreign, is the feeling of being filled with the Holy Spirit.  Yeah yeah...we're a charismatic church. No no... do we value any manifestation.  But when the Spirit chooses to tell you... "I'm here..." that feeling is indescribable.

I love my church.  I love my wife.  I love my God.

囡囡豬

囡囡 has been completely consuming my mind the past few weeks.

She's encountering some tweenage friendship issues. Full of drama, full of heartbreaks.  You really don't want your kid to be a victim of bullying... but when you see all her friends playing and she's sitting by herself... it's like putting my heart in a blender, ripping it to shreds to no end. =*(

I started backing up some of my pictures and videos and found some of NN's treasures in the archives.  I spent a few hours re-watching these "moments in time"   How I long to relive those happy moments... and more importantly...change those horrible moments where I completely failed as a dad.

I can still see her eyes.. full of terror when I ripped into her.  She was barely 2.  One time, when she wouldn't sleep and I crashed into her room screaming at her.  Another time, when she wouldn't listen to mom while taking a bath.  And I ripped a whole new one into her. Those deep brown eyes... piercing my soul even to this day.

We met with her teacher to see how she's been doing.  I don't give a sh!t about her grades... I really don't.  But I care about her consistency, her character, her well-being.  The things the teacher said... wasn't the first time a teacher has shared with us.  The most gut-wrenching testimony was... NN crying out of frustration in math class... LAST YEAR!!!!!  Why am I finding out now? Why was NN crying?? Why didn't the teacher tell us? Why didn't NN....

Had a long talk with NN.  And whether I think I'm doing it or not... she feels a suffocating pressure from Mom and Dad.  We're not Tigers.  At least I'm not.  I'm a Monster. 

Been playing tennis with the kids recently.  Whether it's because SW plays more... or he's just naturally more athletic, he gets it.  He can volley with me.  But NN... she's soooooo uncoordinated.  Her mechanics are wrong.  Her anticipation is awful.  Her athleticism is pitiful.  I start out with some coaching... then move into encouragement... but the patience wears thin quickly... and I become Mr. Hyde.  Yesterday was great... I finally figured out a way to get through to her.  She hit two balls perfectly... and she was sooooooooooooooo happy.  Was she happy that she did well? Or happy that Monster Dad didn't come down on her??

Whatever confidence she built yesterday came tumbling down like a house of cards today.  It's two steps forward two steps back.  She couldn't hit the ball to save her life.  Not just hit it straight... she kept on swinging and missing.  Her stance, her footwork, her posture.  I didn't even know where to begin breaking it apart. Of course, I resort to the one thing I know... yelling and belittling.

Then the coupe de grace... we were playing Beyblades... and she wanted to launch.  I was trying to teach her how to hold it with her LEFT hand.  And she grabbed it with her RIGHT hand.  I was so awestruck that she got her LEFT and RIGHT wrong..  I actually slapped the back of her hand out of frustration.  And this was minutes before she left for a sleepover.  I couldn't have picked a worse time.  She started welling up.... having disappointed Monster Dad again.

On our drive to the Monkey's house... I reached out and grabbed her ankle.  I kept a tight squeeze on her... trying to let her know I still love her. I didn't let go for the entire ride.  When we finally got to the house and dropped her off... and wrapped my arms around her and gave her a giant bear hug.  Singing and praying with her.  She hugged back and wouldn't let go either.  To a point where Hody said, "It's only one night.. geez."

And now... on NN's first sleep over... I'm the one that misses her so much that I have her Squishmellow on my bed with me.

囡囡豬, 爸B好掛住您.

Let it riiiiiiiiiiiip!!!!

Finally succumbed to pressure and bought SW his first 2 Beyblades.

Over the past few months, he's shown such deep interest and passion, that it's definitely not 三分鐘熱度.  His ingenuity, his curiosity, his untiring pursuit of building and refining he ultimate Lego Beyblade can make any parent shed a tear.  Especially this parent who finally gained an upper hand in Lego Beyblade designs. Especially this child, my non-chalant, happy go lucky, 瀟灑開朗小華豬.

The joy on his face when he found his surprise... can probably be only matched by NN's face in disappointment, when she found the surprise wasn't a puppy.  Heh...

The passage of time

NN plows through literally a dozen books a week.  She goes through them so fast, I don't even know how much she retains.  Yesterday at the library, she once again said she's run out of books to read.  So I make two recommendations... two of my favorite books growing up as a 5th grader... "The Castle in the Attic" and "Where the Red Fern Grows."

Much to both our disappointments, NN did not like The Castle in the Attic.  I suppose with modern day Junior Novels... and with the rate at which she reads.. the magic that captivated me is ho-hum for her.

Much to my dismay... is NN is showing zero interest in Where the Red Fern Grows.  I would imagine with her love of dogs and her ultra-high sensitivity, she'll be weeping already.  I can't exactly blame her.. I actually didn't like this book in 5th grade either.  It wasn't till much, much later in adult hood that I went back and fell in love with my #3 book of all time.

Are classics truly timeless? Or am I living in my own past a little too long?

What am I doing?

Wednesday Prayer Meetings at church... it happens a few times each month.  And tonight... I got two very endearing reactions from the kids.

NN: "Daddy, you're always so busy."
SW: "Does that mean we can't have a Beyblade tournament."

While driving to Prayer Meeting, I really struggled.  Asking God... what am I doing? Is this really worthed??

I got my answer at Prayer Meeting itself.  A holy, sanctified night of prayer and worship.  In the end... God revealed to me that the 2 hours spent with Him and brothers and sisters, will truly make me a better person and a better dad.  It's worth it. It really is. As much as it hurts to do so...

1 Peter 1:15

"But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do."

And Nn has an assignment today to write a paragraph on how our culture is NOT holy in accordance to God's will.  She struggled, struggled hard.  Not because it was hard to come up with sins that is incongruent with the bible, but because the topics she came up with will make her friends or her friends' parents feel bad. 

Truly.. a lesson behind the lesson.

Snips and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails

Stayed after school today.  The boys were either playing tennis or football on the field.

The girls - the cute and sweet girls - were playing tag using the four square lines.  They were innocent, independent and having the time of their lives.  Then 1 boy started creeping over and joining them.  Then another.  And before long... all the boys came over.  They were rough, crude and loud.  Within a blink of an eye... all the girls ran away and left the boys to themselves. 

Sigh... so dominating and rude.  In a few years... the boys will learn.  They'll learn. 

But those girls... are simply sugar and spice and everything nice.