She's encountering some tweenage friendship issues. Full of drama, full of heartbreaks. You really don't want your kid to be a victim of bullying... but when you see all her friends playing and she's sitting by herself... it's like putting my heart in a blender, ripping it to shreds to no end. =*(
I started backing up some of my pictures and videos and found some of NN's treasures in the archives. I spent a few hours re-watching these "moments in time" How I long to relive those happy moments... and more importantly...change those horrible moments where I completely failed as a dad.
I can still see her eyes.. full of terror when I ripped into her. She was barely 2. One time, when she wouldn't sleep and I crashed into her room screaming at her. Another time, when she wouldn't listen to mom while taking a bath. And I ripped a whole new one into her. Those deep brown eyes... piercing my soul even to this day.
We met with her teacher to see how she's been doing. I don't give a sh!t about her grades... I really don't. But I care about her consistency, her character, her well-being. The things the teacher said... wasn't the first time a teacher has shared with us. The most gut-wrenching testimony was... NN crying out of frustration in math class... LAST YEAR!!!!! Why am I finding out now? Why was NN crying?? Why didn't the teacher tell us? Why didn't NN....
Had a long talk with NN. And whether I think I'm doing it or not... she feels a suffocating pressure from Mom and Dad. We're not Tigers. At least I'm not. I'm a Monster.
Been playing tennis with the kids recently. Whether it's because SW plays more... or he's just naturally more athletic, he gets it. He can volley with me. But NN... she's soooooo uncoordinated. Her mechanics are wrong. Her anticipation is awful. Her athleticism is pitiful. I start out with some coaching... then move into encouragement... but the patience wears thin quickly... and I become Mr. Hyde. Yesterday was great... I finally figured out a way to get through to her. She hit two balls perfectly... and she was sooooooooooooooo happy. Was she happy that she did well? Or happy that Monster Dad didn't come down on her??
Whatever confidence she built yesterday came tumbling down like a house of cards today. It's two steps forward two steps back. She couldn't hit the ball to save her life. Not just hit it straight... she kept on swinging and missing. Her stance, her footwork, her posture. I didn't even know where to begin breaking it apart. Of course, I resort to the one thing I know... yelling and belittling.
Then the coupe de grace... we were playing Beyblades... and she wanted to launch. I was trying to teach her how to hold it with her LEFT hand. And she grabbed it with her RIGHT hand. I was so awestruck that she got her LEFT and RIGHT wrong.. I actually slapped the back of her hand out of frustration. And this was minutes before she left for a sleepover. I couldn't have picked a worse time. She started welling up.... having disappointed Monster Dad again.
On our drive to the Monkey's house... I reached out and grabbed her ankle. I kept a tight squeeze on her... trying to let her know I still love her. I didn't let go for the entire ride. When we finally got to the house and dropped her off... and wrapped my arms around her and gave her a giant bear hug. Singing and praying with her. She hugged back and wouldn't let go either. To a point where Hody said, "It's only one night.. geez."
And now... on NN's first sleep over... I'm the one that misses her so much that I have her Squishmellow on my bed with me.
囡囡豬, 爸B好掛住您.
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