So many choices…

At an Asian mart shopping for Udon.  They range from $2.99 to $5.99 (not pictured).  They can't be high quality.  They're all frozen.  Why would anyone pay 2x the price for it????? 

Greener pastures

Like the French Laundry... and maybe House of Prime Rib.  After all that waiting and wanting and coveting... you finally get there.  But is it really worth it??  SW is miserable.  He got separated into the C team (probably due to his size) and his teammates are mostly noobs.  SW was literally in tears with his frustration. To a point where he wants to, but won't say it, quit.  "It's a short season.  It'll be over soon."  Oh... my poor baby.

No Dinx

End of a 3-Day weekend... and a 3-Day volleyball tournament.  Every day... show up at 2pm for a 3pm start time (aka the PM-wave).  But of course... coaches want us to be there by 1:45PM.  And NN wants to be there at 1:30PM instead.  Depending on the rack and stacking... the schedule can mean an hour of waiting... or HOURS of waiting.  

The weather was horrible.  Heavy showers throughout.

I hated to pay for parking... especially if the event center does NOT have in/out privledges.  We were trapped... unless we want to pay another $15. 

The food options were few... greasy pizza, burgers, fries, chicken strips or pre-packed salads.

The noise was deafening.  Over 70 teams... each team with around 12 girls.  Each girl will bring an average of 2.5 family members.  That's over 2000 people screaming and yelling in a confined space.  My ears were ringing throughout the weekend.

We were projected to finish by 7PM but we never left before 9:30PM, got home around 1030PM.  Luckily it was in the Peninsula and not Sac or Roseville.

The play.... I'll say... the competition was a lot closer and thusly a lot more entertaining.   

Day 1 - we swept our competition.  Until the last game... the one that mattered.... when we lost in 3.  Holy Toledo what were the coaches thinking.

Day 2 - we swept everyone and it ended on a great note.

Day 3 - the final brackets.  Both games went to 3.  We shouldn't have lost the first game.  And thankfully, eeked out the second game.

As I talk more with parents and friends who are/have done club.... the more I will cherish every last waning moment of all this.  And if there's one thing I can't help wondering is.... what if I joined a club back in high school.  Sigh....

Forget regrets... or life is yours to miss.  

One week later....

 It's been a week... and I'm slowly recovering.  It doesn't help when people try to console you.  Or tell you "I was rooting for them."  Or try to analyze the game with you.  Or try to talk anything related to anything even close to the Niners.  I can't.  Sorry.  I just can't.  

It doesn't help that Twitter/X keeps showing highlights and / or pundits' reactions.  I skip it all.

It doesn't help that Wilks got fired.  I admit... it helped a little.

It doesn't help that BA is pouting about his contract. 

It doesn't help that people are saying to trade Deebo.

It doesn't help that deep down.... I don't think Brock is the answer.

It doesn't help that Niners are Odds on Favorite to win the Super Bowl next year. 

It doesn't help.  It simply doesn't.  The only thing that will help is winning it all.  There is no two ways about it.  And even then... the wound won't ever be completely healed. 

The Talk

Joyce drove NN to practice... so I was home with SW.  We played cards and joked around.  Then he said he had homework... he needed to color in his biology notes.  And it turns out... it was on the reproductive system.  He busted out with pictures from when I took sex-ed in 7th grade... and probably when Franklin Roosevelt took sex ed when HE was in 7th grade!!

Nonetheless.... I used the opportunity to talk have "the talk."  Where babies come from.  How babies are made.  The structure of his body.  The structure of a woman's body.  Even went a little beyond his notes and got to what we would consider taboo and most Chinese families.  Keeping it very mechanical and scientific... and it shouldn't be awkward.  And if I make it awkward today... it'll be awkward for the rest of his teenage life.  I hope I did the right thing and left the door wide open for him to return with questions. 

Irrational

Once again... I chose to avoid the big game... knowing I can't fathom the moments, the plays, the drops, the misses.  And yet.. I couldn't turn away during the final quarter... which then turned into extra innings.. or the 5th quarter.  So close. During the final seconds... as the guillotine was about to drop, I put on my shoes... put on my jacket... and at the very moment of absolute... I walked out of Grace's house. 

So close.  So very close.  So many chances.  So many opportunities.  I admit.. I knelt down and prayed. I called out to Jesus.  Knowing there won't be a response. 

I was in shambles. 3rd time in 12 years.

In 2012... after the game was over... I gave NN a bath.

In 2019... I sat in my car for an hour after driving around the Bay Area for 4.

This time... I walked through the silent streets of Belmont.  Hearing fireworks go off... but not for my team. Joyce picked me up and we drove home.  It was a silent car ride home.  And after we got home... I slid into bed and didn't move for the next 12 hours.  

Joyce kissed me on my nose. NN slipped me a loving note... words of love.  Words of encouragement.  But nothing worked.  

I hate football.  I hate how this is tearing me apart. I hate how stupid this game.. .THIS GAME... can cause me so much anguish. 

I took the day off work.  To burn off PTO.  And really... to wallow in my misery.  I called into one meeting... and my friends tried to console me.  It didn't work.  What worked was... it took my mind off of things.  I spent the day scrolling through Twitter.  Reading pundits. Re-examining all the coulda-shoulda-woulda.  I ran a bunch of errands.  Then the kids got home... and I took another nap.

I was exhausted. It didn't help that drumming took a lot out of me and I way under-performed. Messed up so many times.  And my groin muscle is still sore from the Kick Drum. 

29 years.  It's been 29 years.  What if it doesn't happen?

A friend of mine said his dad didn't want to watch it... cuz he didn't think his heart can take it.  But he watched it anyways... thinking this might be the last time before he.... passes.  The anguish. The pain.  The depression.  It's sooooo suffocating. 

I didn't cry.  It's not worth crying for.  Or worse.  It's beyond tears.  It's hell.  I'm in freakin' hell.  

No.  None of this is rational. I have my health.  I have a loving wife. I have amazing kids. We are very blessed in so many ways.  I shouldn't feel this way.  And yet... this void is still eating at me.  Eating away more than 2012 or 2019.  I can't find fault in anyone.  Not Maholmes.  Not Reid.  Not Brock.  Not the refs.  I can't point to anyone or anything.  No excuses.  We simply didn't win.  

A part of me died yesterday.  I am not the man I was.... nor will I ever be.  Yes... we might win it some point in time.  But that will never make up for the 3 losses.  This pain will never subside.  It might be buried... it might be numbed.  But it's very real.  I want to quit football.  I want to quit the Niners.  I can't do this anymore.  I can't stand the pain anymore.  I've been burned too many times.  This pain... this disappointment... this bitter cup... is not something I can bear.  

As irrational as any of this is.... this is real.  This isn't a moment in time.  This is... a lifetime.  A lifetime of hell. 

Boy's Volleyball 2.0

SW finished Titan volleyball... so we signed him up for another season of off-season volleyball.  The teams we tried out for are so impacted.  So many people willing to pay $1000+ for their sons to play.

We finally opted for MVVC... .the mecca of all club volleyball. SW made the team... but that's cuz there are no cuts.  SW had his first practice.  He came home sad and depressed.  He was miserable!!  I didn't press him until later in the evening.  It turns out... there were three Winter Teams made.  He was put on the worst team with in to no experience players.  And he said... the coaches only focused on the bad players.

The reality is... he's too short to ever make a good volleyball team. And the fact is... he's too good to be on a bad team.  What are we doing as parents!?!??! 

年三十

The day before Chinese New Year's eve... Dad texts me that he has COVID and can't come in for dinner.  Instead of buying food for dinner... I opt to go to Ranch 99 to buy stuff to cook for him, including 羅漢果.  I get to Ranch 99 at 8PM... thinking it'll be less crowded.  The supermarket was so busy... the checkout lines reached the aisles 15 deep.  There was no way I can even go shopping.  So I come the next day... 年三十 at 8AM.  I get there... and the parking lot is already full.  I walk over to the seafood section and I'm 7th in line.  By the time I'm done... there's 15 people in line.  And in the end... I didn't even get to buy my 羅漢果 for dad.  They're sold at an herbalist store.  The economy is back. 

NJHS

Got an email from King's.... SW is eligible for the National Junior Honor Society.  What does an honor society even mean???? It's a way of gathering students who score above a certain GPA.  You pay $75... have a mandatory ONE TIME community service... and you graduate 8th grade with a tassel.  Nothing else. No meetings. No joint pursuit of bettering the community.  It's nothing but a money grab.  

I almost want to tell SW... skip it.  It's worthless. 

Another tournament bites the dust

 NN had another tournament... this time, at Pescadero, where SW had his tournament last year.  It's a town without stop lights.  Their down town has one bar/restaurant, one general store, one coffee/bakery...and a high school that serves the entire area.

NN's team dominated.  The other teams barely made double digit.  I'm getting to know some of the opposing teams parents.  And they know me now.  "Did your team win all your games again?" 

So proud of NN.  Though... she's obviously losing playing time with the new addition.  Let's hope she turns that corner and finds her next plateau.

Tropical Touch - Ranked #1. 

A pleasant surprise

On a random Friday... I had a lunch date with Joyce again... like we always do on Fridays.  Then as we're almost done with our meal... in comes the Short and Stubby himself.  A stranger from the present... but a monument from the past.  My best friend through college and the early parts of working.  We've drifted apart over the years cuz of our lives and where we lived.  But he's still Mark.  Moments later... Mel also showed up.  They were having lunch together. An unplanned reunion.

Mark was Mark.  The most successful of the bunch...but always down to earth and optimistic.  He was truly raised well... and has a good head on his shoulder.  I will say... the hair on that head is thinning much faster than mine.  

Mel... still the sarcastic tell-it-like-it-is person.  Sometimes it's hard talking to her, but if you look past that... she's the amazing person that out of no where became a huge part of our lives through marriage, house hunting, day-care finding.... and now... volleyball parent.

We had our short moment to reconnect.  I miss talking to friends.  These two are truly two of my best friends...and the bestest friends anyone can have.  I wish we were closer.