Tears of Joy? Sadness? Fear? Loneliness? Longing?

I tried to keep it in, but the harder I tried, the faster tears rolled down my face. The more I tried to hide it, the weaker I became.
Everytime our worship team sings that song, my manliness, my machismo, my testosterone all seem to fade away. The entire song, I was only able to utter the first few words of the first verse. I couldn't bring myself to sing the refrain...my voice was trembling too hard. The refrain must've struck a nerve inside me. This nerve that I protect with a false outer shell - pretending to be strong and indestructible. But the wall came tumbling down today when we cried, "I WANT TO SEE YOU! LIKE A CHILD LONGING FOR HIS FATHER!!" It also didn't help that the worship team kept and repeating and repeating the chorus.

Men love to hide their feelings cuz "feelings" is a sign of weakness and vulnerability. It's not so much we love it, but we're forced into it by the taboo of society. Women often complain that they're not treated with equality, that the world is against them and they're second class citizens. How little do they know what men have to go through day in and day out. At least women are able to voice their pains and sorrows. Men? We must hold up a front and pretend everything is fine. We must fortify ourselves and let people know everythign is under control. In combat, even if the battle is lost, the losing general can show no fear in front of his troops. The general knows that all his soldiers are depending on his leadership and guidance. If the general gives up, then the whole army has gives up.

I'll be first to admit that I put up this front all the time. If Joycie and I are vacationing somewhere, and we're lost, I'll keep my cool. Even if I'm scared stiff inside, I act as if I know exactly where we are and I pretend everything will be just fine. Women don't have to do that. If they panic and complain, then that's just women being women. If they're cool and try to compromise the situation, then they're heros and are taking charge. Either way, they win. For men? We only have one way to go.

Who are we trying to show off to? Why can't we admit that we're all weak inside? And the only fortification comes with our Father? If we put our trust in Him, then He'll grant us strength and bless us with real courage; not some false front we conjure up.

This morning, I shouted out for help. I longed for His presence. I submitted to Him. In doing so, I crumbled. But in crumbling, He rebuilt me - only now I'm stronger and better than before. Still got ways to go.....