SLS Day 3

Another night of insomnia attack.  I limited the alcohol intake last night already.... it's the altitude.  It's the sheets.  The pillow.  Horrible. 

The day passed by pretty fast. 

During breakfast...  I didn't see any friends, so I sat with strangers again.  Strangers who's name I knew, but not the face.  When I tell them who I am...and what I do... I swear... there's a glimpse of question, followed by a glimpse of admiration or fear.  Hmmm... maybe I'm not that low in the totem pole afterall.  Towards the end of breakfast, ended up sitting with a Director of an organization that I really want to join.  I briefly told her what I was doing... then I excused myself.  She ended up chasing after me and said she wanted to follow-up when we got back home.

During a breakout session... I sat in a group of my peers... folks I grew up with.  Folks I knew would make VP one day cuz of their charisma but they actually have technical knowledge and they're willing to work those long hours.  In our chats... hearing them talk... how they carry themselves...  I find myself wondering.... "That's it??? How are they different from me????" 

During lunch, sat with a VP that's a known a-hole... not cuz he is one... he's actually someone you wanna have a beer with.  Also sat with someone from SE MAP - the 2nd person to become Director.  (Sigh....when will it be my turn? ).  But for some reason... there was no class bias here.  She was actually the one that reached out and introduced HER-self.  She knew who I was.... I didn't know her.  She was a peer, if not a friend.   At the end... she says, 'Tell Matt I said hi...."  and I reply back, "You should tell Matt you said hi...."  Do ppl talk to Directors that way?? I guess you do when you don't see with their title... but as a person. 

I mentally started to checkout... cuz I was super tired.  And also cuz I found out that I made an error with my booking and booked a flight out for yesterday!!! So stoopid.  Ended up sitting on a couch...with a director that I want to work for... and she and I were making last minute bookings.  Heh... not a good way to impress a future boss? Maybe????

As I was walking out of the resort... not knowing when I'll be back in this company... I bump into my former VP.  He says, "Hank, I'll be in Sunnyvale next week.  Get on my calendar and let's catch up."  Hmm....

At the airport... finally able to sit down and catch up with emails.  Most importnatly... had some quiet time to talk with my wife.  It's been a tornado of a week for our family... for NN... for SW... for us.  We had so much to share.  About the camping trip.  My emotional roller coaster at this SLS.  How I feel so blessed to be where I am today... doing what I do... but also have the freedom and work life balance.  How I am green with envy... that I don't want be here as an L6 and a tag-along... but as a bonafide Director (if not VP).  How I know that I should find my satisfaction in the Lord and not worldly things.  How she hates her job and wants to quit.  But how there are suddenly head hunters calling her.  How SW is a trooper and is more resilient and adapative than we gave him credit for.  And the call ended with..... "Congratulations!! On behalf of the Admission Committee...."

Sigh... the flight home was uneventful.  If not quick.  Ended up watching a Hong Kong movie in Cantonese.  Second time I've done that on a United Flight.  The plane was full of execs, once again, and one of the VP's actually walked up and down the aisle handing out drink tickets.  One day.... one day... that could be me.  But maybe not in a plane... maybe I'll be pouring drinks into people's glasses when I, one day, own my own restaurant.

Last part of my day.... as I walking to the shuttle to go to long term parking... I see none of the execs there.  Of course not... they all park short term parking.  ($30/hr vs. $15/hr).  I suddenly find myself walking behind a VP.... the broad shoulders and familiar haircut of MC.  The VP who has groomed me, watched over me... and made my life miserable since 2005.  Was he taking a shuttle to long term parking like the average joe??? No... he was walking to get a taxi.  Heh... I guess he doesn't do Uber.  I stopped him... shook his hand... said it was nice seeing him again.  To which he said, "Hey Hank.  Congratulations!" 

I didn't have the heart to tell him the truth.  And as my SLS journey comes to an end... and I boarded that shuttle bus... that's what was on my mind.  How I can take that word of congrats and formally say, "Thanks."

SLS Day 2

Alcohol and Altitude doesn't mix well.  I woke up around 12AM after balling my eyes out and couldn't fall back asleep until 4AM!!!! 

Breakfast was awkward again.  Everyone was in a jacket if not a suit.  My department Directors said, "this is jeans for Denver."  I shake my head.  I slug through breakfast with a bunch of strangers.  Looking desperately for any friends I can hang out with.  I don't have any. 

Walked over to the main session and found my table.  Turns out I'm in the second row.  I guess they place the L6's up front so we get the full experience.  And you can easily see where the Directors and VP's rank based on how far they are from the stage.  Heh....

Surprisingly... I got assigned to sit with our company's #2 guy and the two VP's that I want to work for.  Go figure.  Also sat with an a-hole (via email) who turned out to be just another guy in real life.  Don't judge. 

They did an excellent job, I have to say.  The app.  The sound.  The videos.  The AV.  It's no WWDC, not even close.  But it's something.  I wasn't particularly inspired by any of the talks though.  Just the same ol' same ol'.  "Culture eats strategy for lunch."  "They're gunning for us."  "We need to be thought leaders." "By 2020, 50% of our workforce will have less than 3 years of experience." Long gone are the talks of FSL.  Shaping the Future.  Deliver Results.  Blah blah blah....

Found my boss for lunch - which was refreshing.  The other department Directors sat with us so I wasn't by myself this time.  I didn't want to hang out with them though.  I want to meet new friends but I wasn't going to reach out.  Heh... the dilemma. 

After lunch... I strolled around to work on the one thing I was set out to do.  Catch Pokemon's for SW!!!  There were two gyms that I started taking over.  Having both phones... I was able to double team the players there.  Heh.... it was a full time job to manage SW's pokedex.  Make sure I catch powerful and new pokemons.  Feeding and caring of the ones in the gym.  Was I surprised that no one else at the resort was playing??? I guess not.....

The afternoon and evening sessions were a bit better.  I guess I was able to let my guard down a bit.  Found more Directors and VP's that I knew... and I even walked up to introduce myself to a few of them.  But didn't drop an "elevator speech."  Just wanted to say "hi." Walked through "Innovation Hall" which was supposedly the top 15 innovations from around the company.  I may have buried my career by saying, "I used to be one of those guys!! But I've lost the ability to innovate."  What was an honest admittance... turned out to be underselling myself.  All the so-called innovations.... were underwhelming.  Tableau? A new excel tool? Data mining? Psssh.....  no wonder we're floundering. 

Most important part of the day.... (aside from catching Pokemon's)... was SW.  Joyce headed up to Science Camp to be with the class.  After jerking around big bro for a few times... we finally asked him to watch over SW for the night... the first time he's away from home without NN.  I was especially worried... cuz SW is not NN.  NN is socialable... gregarious... and borderline talks too much.  She's 10 and can take care of herself.  SW... has always been a home body and hasn't 見世面.  It was so relieving to see pictures of him - smiling, playing, eating.  Big bro took great care of him... fed him.... spoiled him... made sure he was comfortable.  When I facetime'd him at night... he didn't miss me at all.  Four words that sealed the deal for me from Big Bro.... "真係好乖." 

Yes - SW is not NN.  SW is SW.  I gotta remember that.

And with 2.5 hours of sleep... let's see how fast I can crash tonight. 

SLS Day 1

3 days in Denver where the EVP gathered all the VP's and Directors from the company (and a bunch of L6's). Over the weekend, I was struggling whether to go or not... and actually hoping that Rick will cancel the event. Monday morning became Monday afternoon... still no email.  Sigh...

Joyce armed me with wipes, hand sanitizer and N95 masks.  At the airport - hardly anyone wore masks with the exception of the two TSA agents monitoring the baggage.  On the plane, my neighbor wiped down his seat and used purell.  Turns out he has a young kid at home.  Saw a bunch of execs on the plane... did the customary head nod acknowledging their existence.

Got to the hotel via Uber... picked up a Director on the way.  Saved him 30 minutes of headaches by bypassing Avis.  The hotel is big... it's not a hotel.  It's a resort.  $23 of resort fee pays for free wifi and 2 bottles of water.  Heh... There were at least 3 other conferences there.  Makes me think of the LEAD Summit and how professional we were.

Started bumping into more and more ppl.  And then I headed off to the heavy hordeurves meet and greet.  I felt so out of place.  The instructions were to wear jeans.  Almost everyone was wearing a jacket and slacks.  Those who were jeans... tucked in their shirts.  I didn't feel like mingling or networking - mainly because - I'm not them.  I'm a lowly L6.  They are execs.  I don't belong here.  A huge shroud of loneliness and inadequate started suffocating me.  So I grabbed a drink... and just stood in the corner.  Literally.

Makes me think of an Alice Adams novel I read in 11th grade about a girl going to party and standing in a corner.  She would pretend to look around, acting like she was anticipating a friend to turn a corner or someone to stop by and talk.  Either she was tricking herself... or trying to trick others. I didn't do that.  I stood there, stoic.

A friend stopped by finally. "Hank, you look lonely here."  We catch up.  And he leaves.  8 short years ago... I was a manager and he was up and coming. He's now a Director.  The night continues.  I end up finding 1-2 friends.  They're all Directors now.  Then I found myself chatting it up with a stranger who's 冇價子.  Turns out he's a company lawyer.  (HA!!)

Ended up finding my old boss and we caught up.  She was a great boss.  I can't say she grew me or cultivated me.  But she was there to provide coverage and protection during a difficult time.  I always thought I was the brains and arms behind the operations.... and she was there cuz of networking.  Today... she's a Director and I'm an L6.  She deserves it.

I couldn't take it anymore. I had to leave the social hour... feeling more and more lonely.  Walked around and got lost in the maze of this resort.  On my way back to my room... walked by a small family.  They had 2 kids... maybe 4 and 2? And while the parents were chatting away... the two of them were playing catch with a sweatshirt bundled together.  Giggles and laughter.  So simple.  So pure.  Their joy was intoxicating.  I didn't have any of that.  I was sooooooooooo homesick.

Got back to my room... turned on the TV and caught the end of "Good Will Hunting."  (ShowtimeHD with a 4KTV is amazing.)  Caught the part where Matt Damon was in Robin Williams' office for the penultimate time.  All the build-up of supremacy, of being a mental genius and having physical prowess all came crumbling down with four simple words... repeated over and over again... "It's not your fault."

"It's not your fault."

"It's not your fault."

("Don't fuck with me man!")

"It's not your fault."

"It's not your fault."

Will breaks down.  I do the same.  And I passed out........

I hate my job

I hate my job.

I hate being a manager.

I can't keep doing this year in and year out.

Onto Denver I go.... armed with wipes, masks and hand-sanitizer.

Apocalyptic Shopping

With a 2nd confirmed case of a diagnosed CV with unknown origin... it sent the Bay Area into a frenzy (sorta, kinda).  We go to any dense Asian locales (like Meet Fresh or Ranch 99) and no one wears a mask.  Last night... after dropping the kids off at Awana... I thought we can beat the crowd and head to Costco to stock up on water and staples. (Not staples for a stapler silly!! Staples - like eggs, eat, bread, water).  To my surprise, the parking lot was packed.  We walk into and the lines were huge!!  Slowly navigating to the water and toilet paper section... and we find... this.

EMPTY!!  Wow....

Now that game begins!! Gotta hurry and beat the other nonsensical, hysterical people!!  We race through the maze of shopping carts, which are largely packed with "staples" and pushed by a particular demographic (which shall go unnamed).  We walk past the drinks aisle.  Gatorade - only a few packs left.  GRAB IT!!!  Walk by the rice aisle.  GONE!!  Walk past the pasta aisle.  EMPTY!!  Try to find Spam - all that's left are canned tuna.  Uhmm... we'll pass.  Juice boxes? We stand there and think... Nah.  Soda's... it's funny.  At times like this, you really see which soda people prefer.  There was one and only one brand that was emptied out.

Not panicking yet... but we're feeling the adrenaline.  What next?!?!?  Joyce is on her phone trying to find stuff on Costco.com.  And I'm thinking that...while the world is shopping at Costco (in bulk), people wouldn't have thought of Smart and Final.  We race to our local S&F and voila.... sitting out front... pallets and pallets of Crystal Geyser.  Pssssh......  I almost wanted to head back in the car and go home.  It's just not fun when there's no challenge.

But we needed to get rice anyways so we grabbed two packs of water and head to the rice aisle. It was half empty.  (Or was it half full? Hmm...)  Kicked into high gear again.  Let's go check out the other staples.  Ohhhhh baby.... the toilet paper aisle was flowing in abundance!! Charmin Extra Soft on sale!! And cheaper than Costco!!  As we were loading up and blocking the aisle... we see a man pushing a cart full of diapers.  He sees our cart.... smiles.... and said, "Apocalyptic shopping."  I give him a gentle head nod and we part ways.

Turn a corner and Joyce says... "Let's see if they have clorox wipes."  "No way!!" I thought. Guess what... they had 1 pack left.  Had there been an entire shelf of them... I woulda said screw it.  Then we had over to canned food.  Two packs of Spam left.  And we see another man standing there eyeing the same thing.  I bust out my Timmy Hardaway and make a quick, killer crossover... and snatch one of the two packs, freezing the dude in his shoelaces and breaking his ankles!!  You snooze you lose bro!!!  As we were paying and about to leave... we turn around and see that man with a cart full of diapers and now toilet paper.  We exchange smiles... perhaps for the final time.  And I let out, "We will survive!"  "Yes we will."  "And if we don't... we'll have toilet paper!"

But we weren't done yet.  No no.... we still needed rice.  Headed over to Lucky's.  And like S&F, they were pretty well stocked.  People haven't ransacked them (yet).  We paced over to the rice aisle... which... as I recall... we did this about 15 years ago when Thailand, the major manufacturer of rice for the world was shutting down.  And it set us on a panic.  We bought two 25 pounds of AA rice back then - which resulted in a mockery from my parents.  15 years later... we amble down that same aisle, the same store, the same shelf, the same two people.  But what's different... we're no longer looking for Jasmine or Long Grain.  We're looking for brown rice.  (Cuz we're snobby, health conscious, middle class Americans).  They had four 5-lb bags left.  And now... those 4 bags are in our possession.

Rolling out of the Lucky's parking lot and heading home... you can easily feel the weight of the car.  Need to go home... rest up.  Tomorrow, is another apocalyptic shopping day!

Interview Day

In preparation for NN's middle school interviewed, I spent a couple of nights prepping her and drilling her with questions. I peppered her with a bunch of questions that I thought would be asked... and lo and behold... almost every single one was thrown at us.  I even slipped NN a question to ask for the infamous "Do you have any questions for me?" question... to which our interviewer complimented her on it.  (complimented me).

Then for the typical "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I purposely made a (REALLY!?) face... and the teacher said, "Dad looks surprised."  I made the face so the interviewer won't know we rehearsed it.

As I was putting NN to bed... she said that for a bunch of the questions... she said "Uhmm.. " and "I doooooooooon't know."  here or there.  I didn't fault her.  Any normal person would be nervous under those circumstances.  Then NN said.... she was acting.  She could've answered every single question at ease.  But didn't want to give the impression that we rehearsed it.  BOOM.

And now we wait.....

Ash Wednesday

"What is Ash Wednesday?" NN asked during dinner.

Joyce gives me a look...asking for help... and I went off on the history and deep meaning behind it.  How it's 40 days prior to Good Friday.

"Do you know what's Good Friday?" I asked.

To which SW proudly says, "I know what's Black Friday!!!"

Aye..... my son.

Paul's Life and Letters - the Finale

Today was the 3rd and last Final of Paul's Life and Letters.  It was definitely bittersweet to be closing another chapter in my book... in my journey.   As much as I struggled with the Chinese translation... as much as I disliked the structure of the material... I walk away having a deeper and newfound appreciation for the new testament and what the Holy Spirit was doing in the life of a man named Paul.

Today's sermon was quite timely.... it was on the very difficult parable "The Dishonest Manager" where Jesus tells a story of a manager who just got his pink slip.  And to end his term as a manager... he started compensating and changing all the debt owed to his master.  One can say... he was being dishonest.  But Jesus, amazingly, compliments this dishonest manager as being shrewd while saying, "For the sons of this world are more shrewd in dealing with their own generation than the sons of light." I'll leave it up to certified theologians to explain the hidden meaning behind this passage.

What really struck me was... in today's final... I saw so many of my classmates open up their bibles, the only material that we were able to bring with us... and inside their bibles... were pages and pages of hand written notes from all the assignments and quizzes.  One person went as far as writing everything out, photocopying and shrinking it so that it fits inside the margin of the bible.  Was that cheating???  Well.... the rules were, you can bring your bible and nothing else.  No where did it say you can't write notes in there.  And just like college...where we often times are allowed one sheet of notes... it's the process of writing out that 1 sheet of notes where the material actually goes through our minds and onto a paper, thereby, helping the student remember the details.

I envied those people.  Kicking myself, even, for not having that forethought of doing the same thing.  Cuz ultimately... the goal of the class is to learn the material, digest it, and use it in our own lives.  For those who were shrewd enough to perform that act... haven't they achieved that goal??? I won't say that I'm an angel and I'm a true son of light.  Cuz at times, I did peek at my neighbor's answer to see if we were on the same page.  But I will say... I have much to learn and much to do in order to be as shrewd as the sons of this world.

Now that I'm done with this class... onto my next adventures.  Thankfully.. the next class is the Books of Moses.  After having done that with BSF... I don't think I need to re-live Leviticus and Numbers (in Chinese).  Or do I???

I'm so getting busted....

Tuesday morning... that email had me steaming.  I used up every last ounce of self-control to not rip apart someone via email. But instead, typed what I consider, a professional, glorious respond.  Spent the entire day stewing on the words.  And tried oh so hard to not take it out on the kids. Ended up taking it out on a person I love.  Dang it.......

This morning... I had a long talk with the individual.  It started with a calm "What happened..." and quickly elevated to a shouting match.  I yelled at him like I've never yelled at anyone at work.  I'm sooooo getting busted with HR.  Probably gonna be suspended for a week or two... if not fired.  Geez....

Mother Son Day

Picked mom up from Lawrence Station on Sunday and took her on a trip to the Happiest Place on Earth - Costco.  Man, did she make a killing.  If she wasn't so interested in seeing Clark, we could've kept going.

Come Monday.. after the exhaustive audit... we had lunch at her favorite South Bay Restaurant - Sweet Tomatoes.  I then took her home, fixed her computer issues and sat down to watch the Two Popes with her.  Amazingly... there were Chinese subtitles.  Caught her dozing off here and there.  She admittedly popped a tylenol and the subtitles were too fast for her.  So I told her to nap when I ran some more errands for her.  Perfect timing too... cuz I made a quick stop at Pineapple King (and almost PollyAnne's... sigh....).  

Made it back to her place and finished the movie.  This time... I did the word by word translation.  And I'll pause the movie to help her catch up, especially the part where Benedict and Francis were going at it in the Sistine Chapel.  She still dozed off... but we finished the movie together, first time in who knows how long.  I then took her out to dinner at a Korean restaurant, where she polished off a bibimbap all by herself. (WOW!!) 

A very special Mother Son Day.... slightly tarnished... when she showed me an election ballot and asked why Trump isn't on there, and if she can write him in.  I tell her (through gritting teeth) that this is the Democratic Primary Ballot.  She tossed it away and that was that.

Sunavabooch.... who knew.  Hmmmm.... Sunava..... I don't think I can use that term in this instance, can I?  

有時俾人讚吓都幾開心

Another Sunday... another day of translation.  I dread translation for Daniel Lui.  His English is so poetic and strong in diction.  But I hunkered down and did it.  A few ppl praised me after service today.  Doesn't matter.  Whether they did it out of manners or they meant it... it slides off like teflon.  But when 文靜 texted me saying, "By the way, I love your translation you did on stage." I melted like butter.  Heh... I don't care if 100, 1000 people say I did well.  When it's those 1 or 2 people, it means the world to me.  I don't know why... that's just the way it is. 

有時俾人讚吓都幾開心...