3 days in Denver where the EVP gathered all the VP's and Directors from the company (and a bunch of L6's). Over the weekend, I was struggling whether to go or not... and actually hoping that Rick will cancel the event. Monday morning became Monday afternoon... still no email. Sigh...
Joyce armed me with wipes, hand sanitizer and N95 masks. At the airport - hardly anyone wore masks with the exception of the two TSA agents monitoring the baggage. On the plane, my neighbor wiped down his seat and used purell. Turns out he has a young kid at home. Saw a bunch of execs on the plane... did the customary head nod acknowledging their existence.
Got to the hotel via Uber... picked up a Director on the way. Saved him 30 minutes of headaches by bypassing Avis. The hotel is big... it's not a hotel. It's a resort. $23 of resort fee pays for free wifi and 2 bottles of water. Heh... There were at least 3 other conferences there. Makes me think of the LEAD Summit and how professional we were.
Started bumping into more and more ppl. And then I headed off to the heavy hordeurves meet and greet. I felt so out of place. The instructions were to wear jeans. Almost everyone was wearing a jacket and slacks. Those who were jeans... tucked in their shirts. I didn't feel like mingling or networking - mainly because - I'm not them. I'm a lowly L6. They are execs. I don't belong here. A huge shroud of loneliness and inadequate started suffocating me. So I grabbed a drink... and just stood in the corner. Literally.
Makes me think of an Alice Adams novel I read in 11th grade about a girl going to party and standing in a corner. She would pretend to look around, acting like she was anticipating a friend to turn a corner or someone to stop by and talk. Either she was tricking herself... or trying to trick others. I didn't do that. I stood there, stoic.
A friend stopped by finally. "Hank, you look lonely here." We catch up. And he leaves. 8 short years ago... I was a manager and he was up and coming. He's now a Director. The night continues. I end up finding 1-2 friends. They're all Directors now. Then I found myself chatting it up with a stranger who's 冇價子. Turns out he's a company lawyer. (HA!!)
Ended up finding my old boss and we caught up. She was a great boss. I can't say she grew me or cultivated me. But she was there to provide coverage and protection during a difficult time. I always thought I was the brains and arms behind the operations.... and she was there cuz of networking. Today... she's a Director and I'm an L6. She deserves it.
I couldn't take it anymore. I had to leave the social hour... feeling more and more lonely. Walked around and got lost in the maze of this resort. On my way back to my room... walked by a small family. They had 2 kids... maybe 4 and 2? And while the parents were chatting away... the two of them were playing catch with a sweatshirt bundled together. Giggles and laughter. So simple. So pure. Their joy was intoxicating. I didn't have any of that. I was sooooooooooo homesick.
Got back to my room... turned on the TV and caught the end of "Good Will Hunting." (ShowtimeHD with a 4KTV is amazing.) Caught the part where Matt Damon was in Robin Williams' office for the penultimate time. All the build-up of supremacy, of being a mental genius and having physical prowess all came crumbling down with four simple words... repeated over and over again... "It's not your fault."
"It's not your fault."
"It's not your fault."
("Don't fuck with me man!")
"It's not your fault."
"It's not your fault."
Will breaks down. I do the same. And I passed out........
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