What is that...?

COVID-19 - School Closure - Day 148

Here's the latest dump... I ain't sh!tin you.... I know it's a load of crap... and I won't poo-poo on the fact the #2 issue in my household today is...........  when I found not 1 but 2 brown pieces of soft serve on my porch.  WTH!?!?!? 

For better or worse

 COVID-19 - School Closure - Day 147

Approximately 15 years ago... I made a vow in front of God and man that I will stand with my wife.. for better or worse. And today... I broke that vow.  

It's been over a month since Joyce and NN had a blow up... but it happened today.  And once it happened... I made a choice, a wrong choice.  After their initial fight, which I dutifully stood non-partisan, I strongly suggested that the parent reach out to the child in hopes of peace.  Well... that didn't happen.  What happened was a bigger blow-up than the initial squabble.  I was so pissed.  So pissed that I threw the ...... and smashed it to the sink.  The echoes of my action is still ringing in my ears right now.

The results... a sobbing, weeping tweenage daughter.  And worst yet.... a wife who sits watching Netflix, deflated, defeated, in shambles.  Today... I chose something else other than my wife.  I chose my daughter.  Not with my words but with my actions...of which.... I will regret for the rest of my days.

There I saw... the love of my life... my mate... my best friend... hopeless... full of shame... too hurt to even cry.  And me... the man who once vowed to stand beside her in all circumstances... betraying her.  Breaking my vows.  In good times and in bad... I chose the easy way out.

I'm shamed.  I'm humiliated.  I'm..... a sinful man.  And I.... today... broke my vows to God and man.  I'm sorry Hunny.  I apologized... but it was too late. 

為罪為義為審判

COVID-19 - School Closure - Day 147

Since who knows how long... I made NN run a mile with me today. And today... unlike previous days, she didn't rebel. Why? Cuz she was being punished. Yesterday... she pinched her little brother and she was not getting away with it. I didn't punish her right away... but this was coming. She knew it. And I knew it.

During our run... I was thinking of our "pep-talk." What can I say that may register to why I was sourcing this punishment. Then it came to me... I told her two stories.

Back in 6th or 7th grade... dad took Big Bro and I to watch a movie.  For whatever reason... Big Bro punched me on the shoulder before the movie started.  Dad ended up separating us.  After the movie... Big Bro went home by himself.  I went grocery shopping with dad.  And what did dad do? Nothing. All he did was ask, "佢打你痛唔痛呀？" I ended up tearing up.  What was I suppose to say... "Yes?" And sound like a wuss.  No... I was tearing up... cuz I was expecting dad to lay the smackdown on Big Bro for hitting me.  That never happened.  

Sometime in 6th or 7th grade... we were at home one summer... and there was a microwave dish on the floor.  For whatever reason... I pissed Big Bro off and he shoved the dish, sliding on the floor, and he smashed my big toe, cracking the nail and I was bleeding - big time.  That afternoon... dad came home.  What did dad do? Nothing.

Those two events... long forgotten in the confines of yester-year came floating back today.  When one child physically hurts another child... there needs to be consequences.  For sin. For righteousness. For even the facade of non-favoritism.  I got none of that.  Those memories... struck a chord.  It hurts till this day.  

Did dad really do nothing? I doubt it. He may have had a talk.  He may have done "something." But not to my knowledge.  It's what I choose to believe.

Not today.  Not me.  

I told Nui-nui... today it's pinching.  Who's to say tomorrow won't be punching.  There is almost absolute no reason for bodily harm.  And I will punish you... or SW... or anyone for doing so.  And I will be fair.  And I will make it known. I won't be the parent that does nothing.  

And after almost two months of layover... NN did a 10 minute mile.  

再破天方

 COVID-19 - School Closure - Day 144

Didn't think this day would come... but it happened.  All it took was a pandemic. And on this day (well, yesterday, really), Dad and I had our first bible study together.  

Sure... 80% of the time was spent on introductions, blowing water and playing ice-breaking games.  But we sat down... we read a few bible passages together.  And we prayed.  

Phew..... 3 more sessions to go!

Happy Birthday, Mui

COVID-19 - School Closure - Day 143

Celebrated Grace's birthday tonight. We even drove up to Town and got a quart of cocktail for her.  I admire Grace, a lot.  She's the closest thing I have to a younger sister.  Something or someone I've always wanted.  I applaud her as she raises 2 kids as a single parent.  And I kowtow to her as she embarks on her MBA at this junction of her life/career.  And though she will never.... ever... in any right situation, ever call me 阿哥.... nor has she ever called me 姐夫... I take solace in the fact that I can call her 妹 and she'll respond in an instant.  As if she's accepted that fact already.  

Schedule Day

COVID-19 - School Closure - Day 142

Remember the day you got your hands on your schedule? What's the first thing you'd? You compare it to your best friends.  Class schedule is either a door to salvation... where you'll be stuck for the next 4 months with your friends (or soon to be friends) or it's a death sentence... where you'll be stuck for the next 4 months all by yourself (or get picked on forevermore). 

NN's schedule was released yesterday... and that's exactly what she did.  She jumped on to Google Meet and started comparing X's and O's with her friends.  Some things never change.... Praying that NN will have a wonderful year this coming school year. 

Enough is enough

 COVID-19 - School Closure - Day 141

I was sitting on my swing in the backyard... contemplating what I'll do.  Then she came out and apologized.  And I made a decision... I got up.  Didn't look at her.  And went back in the house.  As I walked back into the kitchen....all I can hear was her crying.  She crossed the line this time - waaaaaay past the line. But was that warranted??  

What am I doing??

唔係對話, 係會話

COVID-19 - School Closure - Day 140

Summer is almost over... and with that... Chinese School will be starting soon. So I kicked things into high gear and started having NN and SW re-read their lessons from last year.  It's amazing how much they remember despite doing it just once a week.  Credit goes to the teachers for their patience and teaching style... and of course... Momma, who spent hours working with them week in and week out.  

It dawned on me (once again) that recognizing words and reading characters (via pin yin, mind you) is very elementary yet hardly applicable.  Without having the luxury of watching Mandarin VOD (it's banned in our household), I'm turning to SIL for some tutelage.  

Today we kicked off a Zoom Conversation Session - hopefully, the first of many.  If you're going to practice your vocab and converse with someone, might as well be a pure Beijingnese, right??  The world is fair though... we're all created differently and some people can, while others simply can't teach.  Not to fault her or anything... teaching is engrained, but is also developed.  

Cue in big bro...who just happened to be doing laundry at our house.  He patiently sat by SW the entire session.  Cheering him.  Encouraging him.  Making light of the situation.  Making SW feel at ease.  But 10 minutes into the session... I can see tears forming in his eyes.  He was struggling.  He knew... he was failing.  SIL could've easily remedied it like any seasoned teacher - but that's as foreign to her as the language SW was trying to learn.  

NN on the other hand... was her usual valedictory self.  Spoke with confidence. Rattled words off like she knows what's going on.  And dared to ask for help when she needed it.  She's there to learn.  She knows the tricks of the trade. To get good... you need to get help.  

And out of the blue... dad saw the Zoom link and he also joined in.  Heh.... he helped and hurt, at the same time.  

But on top of it all... we had family time.  20 years from now... we'll look back at these sessions and laugh about it.  Not knowing where this will go or how long we can sustain, if anything, this is helping us build a bond as a family that we've never had a chance to do, even though we live a mere 5 miles away.  

Risk

COVID-19 - School Closure - Day 139

Started playing Risk with NN and SW on our personal devices.  It's nice revisiting a game from our past... a game we started playing at Boys Club... and eventually buying our own to play at home.  We never truly understood the rules, so this time, we're playing it for real.

The game is simple... and it's a lot of luck.  I guess there are some skills involved.  And if I search online, they probably have tips on the best countries and continents to conquer.... or how to best defend certain areas.  

Played a game yesterday where NN and SW ganged up on me.  Typical.  Take out your common enemy first and worry about the rest later.  But halfway through elimination (which is slow and painful), I received a text from NN that I missed.  She wanted to secretly team up with me and take over Europe.  Actually.. she was allying with me to get rid of SW.  Heh... conniving.  As luck would have it... or opportunity intersecting with preparation... SW (the non-competitive one) wiped out his enemies on his way to global domination.  

Had a rematch this morning and it was my turn to rule the world.  But I showed mercy to my flesh and bone and instead of attacking... I kept on setting up defenses in my two favorite countries.  NN ended up coming from behind and crushed everyone.  She was so happy the rest of the day - she couldn't stop talking about it.  I'm still smiling as a type these words.  

Next time....? NO MERCY!!!!!!!!! 

拾不回来，只能慢慢回味...

COVID-19 - School Closure - Day 134

Going through my old videos on my phone and I come across one from 2013.  We were at Gilroy Outlets and for whatever reason... I was out of character... and actually paid cold-hard cash for them to ride those moving machines (don't even know what you call them).  The only time I would ever pay for "rides" like this was at Chuck E' Cheese.  Heck... growing up in SF Chinatown... I remember there was a carousel on Stockton outside of Woolworth.  And I would push it while other kids sat on it.  All the parents will be smiling cuz I saved all of them $0.25.

Capture on the video.... was me uttering... "唉... 咁就七毫半子喇."  Hehehe.... really captured the spirit of the moment.  Story of my life... if you may.

I usually stop the video there cuz the rest of it is watching the little spaceship go up....and down.... up.... and down.  This time, I watched till the end and in the midst of the sound of the motors, I hear NN cry out... "爸B我高過你呀!" 😢

拾不回来，只能慢慢回味...

Evening Stroll

COVID-19 - School Closure - Day 132

After dinner tonight... I asked NN to join me on an evening stroll.  The sun was hanging with a slight southwest wind.  She and I wrote T-shirt and shorts.  It started out chilly but once we hit our stride, the chill subsided.  We walk out the garage with me awarding her with a piece of gum...something they only get on Saturdays.  (I was buying my daughter's love with a treat.)  About 10 steps away from our driveway, I reached for my baby princess's hand, which she instinctively slipped into mine.  Her hand is much larger now. It doesn't quite fit into an adult hand, but it's taking up more space than years, months, week's past.

I open up with the topic of stress.  Work stress.  Cabin fever.  Taking it out on the family.  I apologized.  She's quick to forgive.  Is that a good thing? I share a bit about work-crap.  And she schooled me on "having grace... on listening... on understanding the other person's point of view."  I listened.  (If she only knew).

Our discussions quickly veered to puberty.  And how she's ready to get her first period.  It was.... nonchalant.  Like talking about the Giants' heinous offense.  

We talked about middle school... how she'll find new friends and she expects it to be drama free.  I reality checked her and said "Sometimes it's not you... it could be your friends."  And like the wacko father I am... I said, "What if your friend likes a boy... and the boy likes you???"  Ohhhhh what kind of father am I?

About this time... her little hand slipped away so she can show me how thin her waist is.  I'm sad... not cuz my daughter is thin, but cuz my NN let go.  I thought about grabbing her hand back... but I hesitated and finally gave in.  It's time to let go.

We talked about boys... how she doesn't hate them anymore.  And I said... "You'll learn that boys are funny and drama-less." She agrees.

The discussion went from boys... naturally... to dating.  How mommy won't let her date until college.  When I pressed why... she said "Mommy doesn't want me to be broken hearted."  I put some ideas into her head... that she might end up be the one breaking a boy's heart.  This set her off on a series of scenarios... and how she really doesn't want to hurt anyone.  All the while... I'm mimicking Mortal Kombat - reaching into someone's chest, grabbing their heart, throwing it on the floor and stepping on it.  Over and over again.  

We finally make it around our block... 1/2 mile.  We either go home or go for more.  I had a feeling she was done, but I asked anyways.  She said... "Let's walk more.  I want to chew my gum longer, there's still flavor."  The gum worked.  It was amazing.

While walking... we hear some bikes blaze by - our neighbor's 2 daughters and dad.  He was having some father daughter time too.  Good for him.  

Around this time... NN finds my hand again.  It was a little cold at this point... and this cold little limb was hot enough to melt the coldest heart.  My daughter isn't old enough to not want to hold her old man's hand.  

We turn the corner... only to see the mother of those daughters' carrying one of them.  I saw a bike lying on the ground, wheel still spinning.  Further up the street, I see dad and the other daughter biking back.  Something happened.  It wasn't major.  Poor dad now had to push both his and his daughter's bike home.

On our second turn around the block... we continued our mindless chit-chat.  How special... MCC.  Where has that gone as of late???  We started noticing on the cement sidewalk, a stamp that says "1959."  Probably a seal of when these streets were laid down.  Geez.... almost 60 years ago?  One after another... I kept pointing it out.  She thought I was being funny.  I was just counting. 

The sun got tired.  It started nosediving behind the Santa Cruz Mountains.  The temperature dropped only to be combatted by the rise in our body temperature.  We both run hot.  She commented on how she doesn't like the colors of the houses.  How the windows look nice on the outside, but inside, the house is a mess.  She talks about her hair.  Her torso.  Her legs.  How she will one day... possibly...be as tall as Bah-B.

And before you know it... we made it back home.  Two times around our block - which ironically... is 1 mile long.  Hmmm... when was the last time we went for a run? Who cares? I just spent the best time with my one and only Nui nui.  Best part of my day.