With 5 days left on my plan…. I get to do reflect the past 25 days of trying to break this addiction. I shalln’t make light of those who are actually dealing with substance abuse and really do need professional treatment. Those are folks who really need a mountain moving intervention to save their lives/marriages/etc… This is merely an average Joe Schmoe with too much time on his hand trying to add another reason to complain…where I set up silly rules, only to break them or dance around them.
Like all ventures, the first few moments start out great. From working out.. to going on a road trip.. to a new relationship… to opening a new toy. There’s excitement and the looking-forwardness to change; change that ought to bring you to a gooder place. Then once the initial excitement wears away, the pangs start stabbing you. And it comes hard, full-force, without mercy.
I already blogged about the shortness of breath, the aches in the joints, the pains in the muscles, the shivers and chills. Those couple days flat out suck. There’s no better way to describe it. You want more than anything than just to kick yourself – hard – so that the physical pain can alleviate any of the mental and emotional pain that’s draining your entire being. Your shoulders slump a few more inches than usual cuz, like Atlas, the world is on your shoulders with no way out. Then the withdrawal or cleansing process slowly begins.
You top off (or bottom out?) after those first few days…thinking life is better now, right?? Nope… then you have to face reality. Reality is brutal. I mean…seriously… no one would believe me if I said coffee has become soooo important to me… that I can give up most any other addiction / vice in my life, other than coffee. The art of drinking something [else] hot has not broken my habit. Finding a substitute is exactly what that is… a substitute. Deep down, I’m still thinking about coffee. Day in and day out… the nagging…the throbbing… the pulling... continues. The pangs are sinusoidal. Some days… it’s dormant. Other days it’s booming. As much as it seems like things can get better…one day later…it takes a 180 and life gets flipped turned upside down. Maybe in a world that’s completely monotonous and grey…where there’s no reminder of coffee… is what it’ll actually take to dilute the memories of recent past.
True… my physical body can live without caffeine, and I’ve paid some price for it. The physical detox is done. That was a small price to pay, like a bridge toll, where you pay, go and don’t look back. But the emotional bondage and hindrance is suffocating. You see it. You smell it. You hear mentions of it. You have fond memories (or not so fond memories) of it. And ur neurons simply fire off a million miles per hour… jarring those little spheres of memory like they did in Inside Out. Who am I kidding… I ain’t breaking any addictions here. In 5 days… I’m gonna wait till the stroke of midnight and at 12:01AM, make myself a hot cup of brown water. Then have the best night of sleep I’ve had in weeks. And in maybe another 6 months to a year… I’ll go through this cycle again.
This is fine and all…. Coffee is just coffee. It can’t make you…nor can it break you. But what if this addiction wasn’t a consumable, but {something} closer to your heart?
Mood: Incorrigible
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