Had a crazy dream (nightmare) last night. In my dream... Joyce suggested that instead of a 30 day fast... why not go for a 100 days!!! No no no...
Mood: No no no...
Thursday, December 20, 2018
Wednesday, December 19, 2018
Breaking an Addiction
With 5 days left on my plan…. I get to do reflect the past 25 days of trying to break this addiction. I shalln’t make light of those who are actually dealing with substance abuse and really do need professional treatment. Those are folks who really need a mountain moving intervention to save their lives/marriages/etc… This is merely an average Joe Schmoe with too much time on his hand trying to add another reason to complain…where I set up silly rules, only to break them or dance around them.
Like all ventures, the first few moments start out great. From working out.. to going on a road trip.. to a new relationship… to opening a new toy. There’s excitement and the looking-forwardness to change; change that ought to bring you to a gooder place. Then once the initial excitement wears away, the pangs start stabbing you. And it comes hard, full-force, without mercy.
I already blogged about the shortness of breath, the aches in the joints, the pains in the muscles, the shivers and chills. Those couple days flat out suck. There’s no better way to describe it. You want more than anything than just to kick yourself – hard – so that the physical pain can alleviate any of the mental and emotional pain that’s draining your entire being. Your shoulders slump a few more inches than usual cuz, like Atlas, the world is on your shoulders with no way out. Then the withdrawal or cleansing process slowly begins.
You top off (or bottom out?) after those first few days…thinking life is better now, right?? Nope… then you have to face reality. Reality is brutal. I mean…seriously… no one would believe me if I said coffee has become soooo important to me… that I can give up most any other addiction / vice in my life, other than coffee. The art of drinking something [else] hot has not broken my habit. Finding a substitute is exactly what that is… a substitute. Deep down, I’m still thinking about coffee. Day in and day out… the nagging…the throbbing… the pulling... continues. The pangs are sinusoidal. Some days… it’s dormant. Other days it’s booming. As much as it seems like things can get better…one day later…it takes a 180 and life gets flipped turned upside down. Maybe in a world that’s completely monotonous and grey…where there’s no reminder of coffee… is what it’ll actually take to dilute the memories of recent past.
True… my physical body can live without caffeine, and I’ve paid some price for it. The physical detox is done. That was a small price to pay, like a bridge toll, where you pay, go and don’t look back. But the emotional bondage and hindrance is suffocating. You see it. You smell it. You hear mentions of it. You have fond memories (or not so fond memories) of it. And ur neurons simply fire off a million miles per hour… jarring those little spheres of memory like they did in Inside Out. Who am I kidding… I ain’t breaking any addictions here. In 5 days… I’m gonna wait till the stroke of midnight and at 12:01AM, make myself a hot cup of brown water. Then have the best night of sleep I’ve had in weeks. And in maybe another 6 months to a year… I’ll go through this cycle again.
This is fine and all…. Coffee is just coffee. It can’t make you…nor can it break you.
Mood: Incorrigible
Like all ventures, the first few moments start out great. From working out.. to going on a road trip.. to a new relationship… to opening a new toy. There’s excitement and the looking-forwardness to change; change that ought to bring you to a gooder place. Then once the initial excitement wears away, the pangs start stabbing you. And it comes hard, full-force, without mercy.
I already blogged about the shortness of breath, the aches in the joints, the pains in the muscles, the shivers and chills. Those couple days flat out suck. There’s no better way to describe it. You want more than anything than just to kick yourself – hard – so that the physical pain can alleviate any of the mental and emotional pain that’s draining your entire being. Your shoulders slump a few more inches than usual cuz, like Atlas, the world is on your shoulders with no way out. Then the withdrawal or cleansing process slowly begins.
You top off (or bottom out?) after those first few days…thinking life is better now, right?? Nope… then you have to face reality. Reality is brutal. I mean…seriously… no one would believe me if I said coffee has become soooo important to me… that I can give up most any other addiction / vice in my life, other than coffee. The art of drinking something [else] hot has not broken my habit. Finding a substitute is exactly what that is… a substitute. Deep down, I’m still thinking about coffee. Day in and day out… the nagging…the throbbing… the pulling... continues. The pangs are sinusoidal. Some days… it’s dormant. Other days it’s booming. As much as it seems like things can get better…one day later…it takes a 180 and life gets flipped turned upside down. Maybe in a world that’s completely monotonous and grey…where there’s no reminder of coffee… is what it’ll actually take to dilute the memories of recent past.
True… my physical body can live without caffeine, and I’ve paid some price for it. The physical detox is done. That was a small price to pay, like a bridge toll, where you pay, go and don’t look back. But the emotional bondage and hindrance is suffocating. You see it. You smell it. You hear mentions of it. You have fond memories (or not so fond memories) of it. And ur neurons simply fire off a million miles per hour… jarring those little spheres of memory like they did in Inside Out. Who am I kidding… I ain’t breaking any addictions here. In 5 days… I’m gonna wait till the stroke of midnight and at 12:01AM, make myself a hot cup of brown water. Then have the best night of sleep I’ve had in weeks. And in maybe another 6 months to a year… I’ll go through this cycle again.
This is fine and all…. Coffee is just coffee. It can’t make you…nor can it break you.
Mood: Incorrigible
Wednesday, December 12, 2018
Epic Fail
Another one of those parenting moments... but this time it was a failure on all fronts, hence this EPIC failure.
Earlier this morning... I was in the showers and NN said she couldn’t find something. I couldn't quite hear her so I said I’ll look for it later. We left for school and was about 0.5 miles away from our house when I noticed Nn crying. When I asked why... it turns out there was a contest at school for the cover of the Christmas Performance program and she couldn't find her submittal.
After my shower, I had one two many things to do and it slipped my mind.
When I asked her why she didn’t remind me, she said he wanted to but was afraid to ask.
I had a choice... U-turn and risk running late. Or use this as a teaching moment, to not misplace your stuff. I decided to continue driving and broke my daughter’s heart. Upon drooping her off, I apologized for forgetting... but I wasn't going to bend. I wasn't going to rush home to look for her design.
Out of remorse, I texted Joyce in which I got -- Silence.
That night, I was home first. When Joyce got home, she walks in with deep bags under her eyes. It turns out she not only lacked sleep... she also came home in the middle of the day to look for the design. Only... to find nothing. Which is exactly what I was afraid of.
Epic fail. I failed as a dad for forgetting and not turning back
Epic fail. Nn failed to keep her things organized and in tact.
Epic fail. Joyce couldn’t resist teaching her daughter a lesson...and in doing so, further tired her already tire self.
What kind of parents are we??
Mood: failure
After my shower, I had one two many things to do and it slipped my mind.
When I asked her why she didn’t remind me, she said he wanted to but was afraid to ask.
I had a choice... U-turn and risk running late. Or use this as a teaching moment, to not misplace your stuff. I decided to continue driving and broke my daughter’s heart. Upon drooping her off, I apologized for forgetting... but I wasn't going to bend. I wasn't going to rush home to look for her design.
Out of remorse, I texted Joyce in which I got -- Silence.
That night, I was home first. When Joyce got home, she walks in with deep bags under her eyes. It turns out she not only lacked sleep... she also came home in the middle of the day to look for the design. Only... to find nothing. Which is exactly what I was afraid of.
Epic fail. I failed as a dad for forgetting and not turning back
Epic fail. Nn failed to keep her things organized and in tact.
Epic fail. Joyce couldn’t resist teaching her daughter a lesson...and in doing so, further tired her already tire self.
What kind of parents are we??
Mood: failure
Sunday, December 09, 2018
Thursday, December 06, 2018
5 Kernels of Corn
Had the privilege and honor to lead the final CS Prayer Meeting of 2018. Part of the Prayer Items....was based on the story or legend of the 5 Kernels of Corn which dates back to the original Thanksgiving, when the pilgrims were experiencing their first winter. They had nothing to eat but their daily rations of 5 kernels of corn. So every year... as part of the tradition, they'd go through these 5 kernels and offer 5 thankgivings for the year.
My criteria.... "I am thankful for..."
1) yourself
2) your family
3) your church
4) your country
A lot of the men were thankful for their wives (Awwww.....) their jobs. Everyone was thankful for this church family - a place of joy and restoration. One sister even went onto say that CS is especially blessed with joy...more so than the other congregations. (Not a competition, just a statement of fact).
When it got to country.... oh gawwwwwwwwwwwd..... I took the high road and gave thanks for democracy (in spite of the results). Some people openly said they were thankful for Trump. (What did I do?!?!?!?) But one sister said... "If God is able to use Nebuchadnezzar, He can use anyone." Tru dat. Tru dat. And we all know what happens to Nebuchadnezzar.... nyuk nyuk nyuk....
The 5th and final kernel.... I especially reserved some time to give thanks for... our pastor. Tears really starting coming out by then... glad that PAL wasn't there last night. HA!
5) Warriors Championship - I know, shallow.
4) Family coming together in the midst of a stormy season
3) God's provision and sustenance for 2 wonderful SoCal trips + 1 Yosemite trip
2) Being surrounded by witnesses like clouds and rainbows from past and present
1) {New beginnings...}
Mood: Grateful
My criteria.... "I am thankful for..."
1) yourself
2) your family
3) your church
4) your country
A lot of the men were thankful for their wives (Awwww.....) their jobs. Everyone was thankful for this church family - a place of joy and restoration. One sister even went onto say that CS is especially blessed with joy...more so than the other congregations. (Not a competition, just a statement of fact).
When it got to country.... oh gawwwwwwwwwwwd..... I took the high road and gave thanks for democracy (in spite of the results). Some people openly said they were thankful for Trump. (What did I do?!?!?!?) But one sister said... "If God is able to use Nebuchadnezzar, He can use anyone." Tru dat. Tru dat. And we all know what happens to Nebuchadnezzar.... nyuk nyuk nyuk....
The 5th and final kernel.... I especially reserved some time to give thanks for... our pastor. Tears really starting coming out by then... glad that PAL wasn't there last night. HA!
Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, watching over them—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not pursuing dishonest gain, but eager to serve; 3 not lording it overthose entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. 4 And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away. ~1 Peter 5:2-4So much to be thankful for this year. As for me... not in any particular order. Almost like my Top 10 is halfway done!!! HA!!
5) Warriors Championship - I know, shallow.
4) Family coming together in the midst of a stormy season
3) God's provision and sustenance for 2 wonderful SoCal trips + 1 Yosemite trip
2) Being surrounded by witnesses like clouds and rainbows from past and present
1) {New beginnings...}
Mood: Grateful
Wednesday, December 05, 2018
Preflections
I'm already working on my top 10 of 2018.... and in the midst of counting down one of the best years in near recollection... I have to stop for some preflections.
Not even sure how to capture this in words... but the past couple of weeks have been tough. It's been weird. It's been.... complicated. So many things I want to say... so many ways I can say it... yet...the words just don't seem to be manifesting themselves right now.
Couple of things I can preflect on....
1) Handling relationships. I am a novice at best when it comes to relationships. Looking back at my life... I've had 3, maybe 4 relationships that I have truly wasted due to my immaturity, my inexperience, my insistence of doing things according to my terms. Selfish, is really what it is. And here I am, yet again, going through a similar experience.
2) The power of my tongue and the consequence it can cause when misused. The Book of James is easily one of my favorite books in the bible. It's so practical. A modern day "How-to." It's the only book in the bible that values works as much as faith. And it also admonishes the tongue.
Not even sure how to capture this in words... but the past couple of weeks have been tough. It's been weird. It's been.... complicated. So many things I want to say... so many ways I can say it... yet...the words just don't seem to be manifesting themselves right now.
Couple of things I can preflect on....
1) Handling relationships. I am a novice at best when it comes to relationships. Looking back at my life... I've had 3, maybe 4 relationships that I have truly wasted due to my immaturity, my inexperience, my insistence of doing things according to my terms. Selfish, is really what it is. And here I am, yet again, going through a similar experience.
2) The power of my tongue and the consequence it can cause when misused. The Book of James is easily one of my favorite books in the bible. It's so practical. A modern day "How-to." It's the only book in the bible that values works as much as faith. And it also admonishes the tongue.
5 Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.
How true it is for me. When I let loose my tongue...and the sarcasm and jokes flow out... how easily it can hurt others. It is better, if I never even open my mouth. Ironically... I've been complimented as being "articulate", "well-spoken", and even "linguistic" (though I think that's misnomer) Of all the things I get complimented on... it also is one of my greatest weakness.
2018 is coming to a close... how I long for these issues to also come to a close. This feeling of uncertainty, of mystery, is suffocating. I hate not having control of my feelings...of my thoughts. But one thing is constant...and that's change. If given enough time... these feelings will go away. Right??
Mood: Confizzled
2018 is coming to a close... how I long for these issues to also come to a close. This feeling of uncertainty, of mystery, is suffocating. I hate not having control of my feelings...of my thoughts. But one thing is constant...and that's change. If given enough time... these feelings will go away. Right??
Mood: Confizzled
Tuesday, December 04, 2018
Life without Coffee...
Day 11 of my coffee detox or more specifically... my caffeine detox. Been also avoiding tea, Coke, or energy drinks. I’ve come to acclimate to the initial shakes, pains and chills. Physically I think I’m in a good spot.
The tuffest part I find in this detox/diet/fasting exercise is what do I put in my mouth throughout the day? The past two mornings I’ve been drinking hot water. It's hot and it's wet. That’s just so gross. It’s grosser than gross. It’s...effin gross or “fross.” I just made up a new word.
Mood: fross
The tuffest part I find in this detox/diet/fasting exercise is what do I put in my mouth throughout the day? The past two mornings I’ve been drinking hot water. It's hot and it's wet. That’s just so gross. It’s grosser than gross. It’s...effin gross or “fross.” I just made up a new word.
Mood: fross
Saturday, December 01, 2018
Betrayal of Trust
I was home alone with SW and while working in the garage, I started wondering where he went. The house was eerily quiet and the door to my room was closed. (Strange). And when I opened it, I see SW playing Gods of Olympus on my phone. He realizes I caught him and he quickly shuts it off. CAUGHT RED HANDED!!!!
He knows there’s no screen time on weekdays. And he knows that even on weekends he must ask for permission. He knowingly disobeyed. Snuck behind my back to do what he wants to do.
(How did I react?! What did I do?? Did I rip a new one into him?! Would it have helped??!)
This is.... inevitable. It’s human nature to break the rules. Human nature to let your own desires overcome authority. Today... it’s an innocent game on my phone. One day.. it could be inappropriate material on line... weed... or walk in on him and a girl. The possibilities are endless...but just sticking to the facts. Today marks the first day he betrayed my trust to THIS extent. My baby is growing up in front of my eyes... and I wanted to gouge my eyes out, rather than see what I saw today.
Mood: hurt masked by anger
(No... did not rip him a new one. I dealt with this somewhat calmly. Ended up have him copy 主禱文 three times. Argh....)
Wednesday, November 28, 2018
Detox 2018
老婆話我近排飲太多酒、不如唞一吓、禁一個月。我順帶禁埋咖啡、兼夾排毒。過去呢兩日淨係食果仁,啤梨同飲水。排毒冇問題。大小都正常。只不過放多了屁，相信是大腸𥚃的好細菌吞食壞細菌和腸牆剩下的脂肪。 打通大道，直搗皇龍！
最麻煩是戒咖啡。戒咖啡有幾難呢？我戒過幾十次啦！ 先兩日都不足為奇，以為會平淡地度過。誰知！第三天，排毒真正開始！今日正天不自在， 肌肉酸軟，骨骼疼痛、呼吸困難，心神彷佛。若果今天難受、不知明天會帶來什麼苦楚。
早知今日、何必當初？
最心痛是、我戒咖啡的這一個月、就是Peet’s 賣 egg nog latte 的一個月。 嗚嗚！
Sunday, November 25, 2018
Well...there's a first...
I'm lying in bed...resting from a long day. NN casually walks in and says, "Bah-B, I think I'm going to need a training bra. (PAUSES) It's ok.... I'll talk to Mah-mee." And walks out...
The room got veeeeeeeeeeery quiet all of a sudden. Did that just happen??
The room got veeeeeeeeeeery quiet all of a sudden. Did that just happen??
Wednesday, November 21, 2018
活出「生命」之道回顧
兩年一次的退修會又告一段落。蒙主恩、當日下晝、營地突然跟我們聯絡、説附近有山火、為了安全起見，不上山入營為妙。我收到消息后立刻展開古老"電話樹"、要各界團長百分百回應式跟團友聯絡，短訊或電郵我絕不收貨。
第一晚臨開始之前, 眾僕人領袖一齊圍繞禱告。牧師師母因遲到緣故, 竟然由我帶禱告. 聖靈感動我回想起以利亞在加密山從天降火的經驗, 又意味到摩西上何烈山見到焚不燒的火叢，與神見面. 復興就要經過火的熬煉. 神要我們去哪兒, 我們就要去哪兒. 不明白, 不理解，要像亞伯拉罕順服。
第一晚, 活出事奉之道
陳牧師講及事奉的態度, 在於
1) 身份
2) 感恩
3) 禱告
最難忘的是他用氣球來形容一個人謙卑態度, 謙卑的服侍. 一擊即爆就是我的心態. 可悲可悲。令一樣要緊記的就是"冇摸聖經,唔好摸聖工." 最後, 最重要的身份我們是"基督的僕人". 著眼在"基督"兩字. 當僕人是我們的福份。
第二日, 活出成功之道
引用腓立比書非常出名的一段經文。分為
1) 只有一件事
2) 忘記背後, 努力面前
3) 向著目標， 竭力奔跑
基督教的成功在乎遵行神的旨意, 而成功是一個旅程，從前的成功不要驕傲, 從前的失敗不要氣餒。令我深刻的就是馬太福音12章講到盡心,盡性,盡意,盡力愛主。但真正的譯本,是全心全意全力。例子就是他問女兒做完功課未，女兒說我盡了力。父親問, 你盡了力, 但你有否盡全力? 反覆思量我是否有真心真意, 全心全意, 去愛我的主? 還是用個人的定義說盡了力就算吧? 最後回顧成功秘訣第一項, 就是"只有一件事", 我找到我的一件事未呢？
週六晚上, 活出知足的道
牧師叫我們做了一個簡單的工作,就是列出五樣我們非常想要的事。我的五樣如下：
1) 49ers Super Bowl
2) 家人得救
3) Shelby Cobra 427
4) 子女大學畢業
5) 老婆回歸Worship Team
慢慢，他要我地一個一個淘汰. 神要拿走，我豈能堅持留得住呢？雖然是簡單的遊戲， 但到最後在二和五當中選擇時， 我都愕然地呆了一陣子。
牧師知足的三個秘訣就是：
1) 自及自足
2) 時常滿足
3) 給人補足
活在一個彎曲、扭曲的世代，特別是我們灣區矽谷生活，知道這是一個非常之難說的話題。也是四堂,我覺得最難明白最深奧。他又說、當入了基督教有兩個教他是不會在歸回的。第一是「比較」第二是「計較。」
週日早上, 最後的一天, 活出喜樂之道。
很可惜我沒有抄下筆記、能記得是因為我有榮幸可以上台當翻譯。不單止當翻譯、我兩位兒女也在台下聆聽。當晚我拷問他們聽到牧師說的廣東話能明白多小、囡囡豬竟然隻字不留的回覆我。 可惜的是他回答是用英文。
The Key to Joy is as simple as 1, 2, 3....
1) One principle
2) Two attitudes
3) Three actions
我也不會太失望, 因為陳牧師說的中文真是說得好快. 普通人都難以追得及,何況是小孩呢。盼望神直著我這個卑濺的僕人，將訊息帶給新一代的小孩與年青人。
其實今次退修會變成一個培靈會，都有神的美意。我們每人晚上可以回歸自己家裏瞓自己張床、是一個祝福。我們依然有早餐宵夜供應、是一個祝福。最失望的就是一班小孩子不可以上山紮營。兩年後全教會退修會、廣東部不可自己作退修會。既然今年搞不成、我們就順理成章2019年再搞多一次。
我想整個退修會的總結就是如下：
活出生命之道. 生命之道就是福音. 靠著福音的大能, 『今日比昨日好。明日比今日好。』
2019年見！
第一晚臨開始之前, 眾僕人領袖一齊圍繞禱告。牧師師母因遲到緣故, 竟然由我帶禱告. 聖靈感動我回想起以利亞在加密山從天降火的經驗, 又意味到摩西上何烈山見到焚不燒的火叢，與神見面. 復興就要經過火的熬煉. 神要我們去哪兒, 我們就要去哪兒. 不明白, 不理解，要像亞伯拉罕順服。
第一晚, 活出事奉之道
陳牧師講及事奉的態度, 在於
1) 身份
2) 感恩
3) 禱告
最難忘的是他用氣球來形容一個人謙卑態度, 謙卑的服侍. 一擊即爆就是我的心態. 可悲可悲。令一樣要緊記的就是"冇摸聖經,唔好摸聖工." 最後, 最重要的身份我們是"基督的僕人". 著眼在"基督"兩字. 當僕人是我們的福份。
第二日, 活出成功之道
引用腓立比書非常出名的一段經文。分為
1) 只有一件事
2) 忘記背後, 努力面前
3) 向著目標， 竭力奔跑
基督教的成功在乎遵行神的旨意, 而成功是一個旅程，從前的成功不要驕傲, 從前的失敗不要氣餒。令我深刻的就是馬太福音12章講到盡心,盡性,盡意,盡力愛主。但真正的譯本,是全心全意全力。例子就是他問女兒做完功課未，女兒說我盡了力。父親問, 你盡了力, 但你有否盡全力? 反覆思量我是否有真心真意, 全心全意, 去愛我的主? 還是用個人的定義說盡了力就算吧? 最後回顧成功秘訣第一項, 就是"只有一件事", 我找到我的一件事未呢？
週六晚上, 活出知足的道
牧師叫我們做了一個簡單的工作,就是列出五樣我們非常想要的事。我的五樣如下：
2) 家人得救
慢慢，他要我地一個一個淘汰. 神要拿走，我豈能堅持留得住呢？雖然是簡單的遊戲， 但到最後在二和五當中選擇時， 我都愕然地呆了一陣子。
牧師知足的三個秘訣就是：
1) 自及自足
2) 時常滿足
3) 給人補足
活在一個彎曲、扭曲的世代，特別是我們灣區矽谷生活，知道這是一個非常之難說的話題。也是四堂,我覺得最難明白最深奧。他又說、當入了基督教有兩個教他是不會在歸回的。第一是「比較」第二是「計較。」
週日早上, 最後的一天, 活出喜樂之道。
很可惜我沒有抄下筆記、能記得是因為我有榮幸可以上台當翻譯。不單止當翻譯、我兩位兒女也在台下聆聽。當晚我拷問他們聽到牧師說的廣東話能明白多小、囡囡豬竟然隻字不留的回覆我。 可惜的是他回答是用英文。
The Key to Joy is as simple as 1, 2, 3....
1) One principle
2) Two attitudes
3) Three actions
我也不會太失望, 因為陳牧師說的中文真是說得好快. 普通人都難以追得及,何況是小孩呢。盼望神直著我這個卑濺的僕人，將訊息帶給新一代的小孩與年青人。
其實今次退修會變成一個培靈會，都有神的美意。我們每人晚上可以回歸自己家裏瞓自己張床、是一個祝福。我們依然有早餐宵夜供應、是一個祝福。最失望的就是一班小孩子不可以上山紮營。兩年後全教會退修會、廣東部不可自己作退修會。既然今年搞不成、我們就順理成章2019年再搞多一次。
我想整個退修會的總結就是如下：
活出生命之道. 生命之道就是福音. 靠著福音的大能, 『今日比昨日好。明日比今日好。』
2019年見！
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