Through the eyes of a child

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Took the opportunity of a 3 day weekend to head out to the city to see the folks. I knew it was gonna be an uphill battle. The day was going to be long... and there'll be some unhappy moments (sprinkled with unforgettable moments).  

We first went to see dad... picked up some San Tung chicken wings and headed to his place for lunch.  We then headed to his rec center and played a long awaited yet much anticipated game of ping pong with his grandson.  Very much forgettable... and possibly a top 10 moment of the 20's.  But the forgettable thing was... dad couldn't stop thanking "SW" for making his wish come true.  Even though he really did have a dream of playing with SW... not once, did dad make any mentions of playing with NN. ***grrrr***

Then we headed over to shoot some hoops together.  Dad has been bothered by an ailing back problem but he muscled through it and we got some 2 on 2 action in there.  Seeing dad really struggle there towards the end... I ended the game in a hurry.  NN continued to shoot... to which dad was thoroughly impressed by her shooting strength and accuracy.  And NN continued to shoot... in a way... to show dad that she's not "just another girl."  It was a statement moment for her.  

We then wrapped up the afternoon and evening spending time with mom.  Taking her Costco shopping... then trudged through traffic to take a short hike at Golden Gate Park.  I really didn't know what else to do with them.  By that time... everyone was exhausted and emotions started bubbling.  I tried to handle it in stride... to which... I too, finally collapsed and couldn't bite my tongue anymore and snapped at mom.

At night..  while putting NN to sleep.. she game me a synopsis of the day.

"No matter what happens... 爺爺 will always see past me and see SW and CT."  To which I can only reply.. "So true.  Just be glad that 嫲嫲 can't stop talking at you or about you."

Then she made some keen observations...

"It's obvious you and 爺爺  have a closer relationship.  I see you laughing and joking with him.  With 嫲嫲, she's doing the talking and you're listening.  And she gets on your nerves sometimes and you snap at her."  Crap... not a good example to be setting.  And frankly... nothing much I can do to hide it anymore.

She then goes on and on about how she sees our family relationship.  About how I deal with the in-laws... and then how I have a bias even to her and SW.  To which, I denied nothing and simply listened.  NN is coming of age... she knows what's going on.  She knows the right things to say... and how to look for that unicorn of a silver lining.  But when it's all said and done... our family is very much broken... like most other families out there, I guess. 

損魚頭

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Growing up... mom (and almost all moms) would love to suck on a fish head for dinner. It's satisfying.. tasty... full of juice.. full of essence. And yet.. it has zero nutrients.. next to no meat... and is highly disgusting. Then why do mom's do it? For the same reason.. when we have bulgogi for dinner... I would cut off the meat fot the fam... and gnaw and nibble on the bones.  Is it really that good... course not.  Who doesn't want to sink their teeth into a mouth full of juicy meat? Rather... we tear off the little meat and cartilage there is left and allow the sauce to wash down the rice in our bowls. All... in hopes that the kids and spouse gets a good dinner.

We do it.. cuz we love them. No... this isn't a piece that's inadverntely praising myself. Cheers to all moms and dads... who choose to give up the choice dinner, for what's leftover.

噴到一面屁

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To sit there... and to take it all in... and not being able to respond. Why am I subjected to this? What did I do to deserve this? Been over a year... and I keep taking it. No response. No fighting back. Just turn the other cheek. Only... both cheeks are so bruised... I can’t take this anymore. Physically... mentally... emotionally... no one deserves this.

Speed up to slow down...

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It has come to my attention.. that life.. is moving so fast. NN is already in middle school. SW will be in 5th grade this year. Before we know it.. we'll be studying for SATs, going on college tours, picking out prom dresses and renting tuxes... and all this... will be done while we spend more than 1/3 of our days in our car, stuck in traffic, listening to an audio book or KLOVE.  During COVID, we've adopted a family practice of going hiking or at least walking together... to spend time together.  But all those times... we'll drive there, walk while the kids grumble... and drive home in time for them to hop on their devices.  

So today... I thought.. let's walk to downtown Campbell for lunch, then walk back.  We're going to walk anyways.  We're going to eat anyways.  Why not just walk??  We have a destination.  We have a goal.  We have a reward going one way and another coming back.  

Course... they complained.  Obviously... they grumbled.  And even with my explanation.. that we need to slow down and not let life pass in front of us... they were not truly satisfied.  We got home.. and indeed... they hopped on Netflix or their devices again.  I think... these are the afternoons that'll be etched in our shallow memories of spending time together as a family.  

I'm a sucker for it...

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Life has suddenly slowed down to a snail's pace. Work is about to transition. I've largely paused my way out of church activities. And I'm generally so depressed that I'm not looking for a project or two to start on, yet. So at night... I suddenly have some time to Netflix surf. Or Hulu surf. Or Prime video surf. (Not Disney+ surf... there's nothing of interest on there except for Star Wars).

Again and again... I find myself drifting back to Rom Com's. What is it with these fairy tale stories? Boy meets girl.  Boy falls for girl.  Boy goes after girl.  Boy loses girl.  Boy... more often than not... ends up with girl.  Maybe... it's just the mood it evokes insofar as I get a boost of happy-feeling.  I don't want a murder mystery keeping me up at night. I don't want to fall asleep with explosions or murders or heists.  Just something that feels good.

I love Julia Roberts.  She is a goddess from her looks alone (I think). But it's her acting ability.  The turn of the face.  The movement out of the corners of her eyes.  The mischievous raising of the eyebrows while revealing those signature pearly whites.  

I love Tom Hanks.  His goofy puffing of the cheeks.  The shaking of his head while he searches for his lines.  The down to earth look of awestruck when he realizes the girl standing in front of him is the oasis in his desert.  

I love serendipity... where it was happenstance or divine intervention... that two people happen to bump into each other in a nonassuming cafe.

I love childhood sweethearts and best friends going through the turmoils of their own lives only to realize that their soulmates were under their noses all this time.  

I love the extending of a hand to grasp another.. and the look of "Really?! Really?? Finally.... no more playing hard to get." Reciprocated with an extension of a mutual limb to secure each other in this world of loneliness.  

Deep down... I think everyone deserves their own love story.  And as the name of the genre says it... let's have a laugh along the way.  Because if you can't laugh at yourself... what is there really to laugh about aferall? 

Reggie!! Reggie!!

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In spite of COVID, been so many years... years!!! I finally made it back to a public court for some pickup basketball.  

My rhythm was off.  My lungs were burning.  My feet were weighed down with concrete. For moments there... I couldn't buy a basket.  Then after those embarrassing, awkward moments... my DNA kicked in.  Like riding a bike... swoosh... swoosh... swoosh.  Nothing but net (with an occasional airball).  For those few moments... "Reggie" was back, the name I earned when playing pickup ball in my early 20's.  

Then they wanted to play 2 on 1.  Really?!?!? You're gonna pick on an out of shape, old man with back problems? Fine.  Bring it.  You wanna drive into my house. IN YO FACE!!!  

Today... "Reggie" was king of the hill.  

Today... "Reggie" was the man of da house.

Today... "Reggie" defeated SW and NN.  

Ground Hogs Day

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Once again.. betrayed. She’s a budding woman... is it a surprise? I realize.... that something is not working. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. I am insane. I need to change something.

What is it with pies?

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Never been a fan of pies... just don't like the concept of cooked fruit. And either the fruit is lathered in syrup and caramel which really...defeats the purpose of the fruit.  or it's so tart you might as well be sucking on a lemon.  The only part about a pie that's semi palatable is the crunchy, buttery crust.  

I fed SW just the crust tonight and it was tainted with a bit of the berry jam.  His face scowled... "Bleah!!!  So sour!!!"  Heh... like father like son. 

Just because

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After writing over 1600 posts... I ask myself... what am I doing? Why do I even write? For the joy? For the pain? For the memories? 

Why would it be for the memory? The past few days have been a few of the worst days of my life.  How do I even document this? I joke... that when I write a memoir... a leadership book... this will take up several chapters.  And here I am... another sleepless night.  Last night... I woke up at 3AM to chest pains.  I couldn't fall back asleep until 630.  It was a panic attack.  Why am I submitting myself through this? And who do I have to vent to? Who can lend me a shoulder to cry on? Who.... can remove this cup? 

I'm lost.  I'm aimless.  Directionless.  Don't have the motivation.  Realizing life is.... just is.  And what of tomorrow? When I wake up again... at 3AM... only to realize... it's still here. Marinating.

Do you ever feel that way? Where you don't want to turn the page to tomorrow... and yet... you can't stand to live another day? So you put on a mask to face tomorrow... why??.... why..... Just because.... 

Why bother asking me...

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Pet Peeve #89 - 你若然問我， 就要信我。 你若然唔信我，就何必問我？

Addiction

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It isn't every day... you run across a book you can't put down.  And when you do.. you want to run out and share it with everyone.  In my lifetime... there's only been several books that way, where you're reading it to a point that the blood stops flowing to your arms and it falls asleep.  That happened to me in the early 2000's when I was laid off and read 金庸 for the first time.  The most recent happening of skipping meals, sleep and family time to read... was the Percy Jackson series.

I love Greek Mythology.  Ever since big bro introduced me to it with that one book that described the Olympians.  I've poured over all the books... the fan fiction... the movies and TV shows.  And when I come across a book about demi-gods that brought the Olympians to modern day... I was in 7th heaven.  Last year... during SIP... NN finally came across these books.  And just like Star Wars... I woefully made a rule that SW can read it when he's 10.  We got the books on Sunday... and he finished 3 of them in 3 days.  I'm not sure if he's reading them or skimming them... but he's devouring them.  What's worse...(or better) is Joyce is into it too.  And what's even worse.... I'm re-reading my favorite book from that series.  Only... the 2nd time around... it's not that good. Hmm.... 

Heh... a family addiction.  Gotta love it.

The Minority

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This mom at school continues to text me... saying there are appointments open.  We had a church meeting and even the leaders are saying, "Everyone's vaccinated now... why aren't people headed back to church?" At work... they're "highly encouraging" everyone to get vaccinated and fill out a "voluntary" form to help with planning. 

While I know many are educated... I can't help but think that there's a minority that believe the vaccine will give you COVID immunity.  When it actually... all it's doing is reducing your symptoms.  You can still be infected... you can still be a carrier.  If anything.. the vaccine can give people the false sense of security.  And in these meetings... I'm going to stay very, very quiet.  Until you overstep... and then I'll unleash my wrath unto you.  

Haiku

<writer's block>

I just like playing

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You don't want it to ever happen to you... or worse yet... your kid. But to see your son being "that kid", the one that inadvertently get picked on in school... is heart breaking and gut-wrenching.  It's genetics... it's nature... he's just short.  And when you play with boys... the rules of the playground dictates the bigger, faster, stronger boys will dominate.  It's part of growing up... you will encounter this in life sooner or later.  Whether it's classism.  Sexism.  Racism.  Learning to deal with it is a life long journey.

After 2-3 rounds of this "game" they were playing... I saw enough and grabbed SW to head home.  I asked him, "That game you're playing... sure looked silly.  Why do you even play with them?" "I dunno... I just like playing."  

Then he goes off on how the other boys cheat and complains.  And SW is one of the biggest cream puffs out there.  He'll never argue.  But he just wants to play.  

Sigh... Is he really that pure and naive where he is having fun? Or is he at a point where... to fit in... to be part of the crowd... he's willing to get picked on, stepped on, taken advantage of? 

What does the parenting book say about this one....? Hmm.... 

Haiku 

<writer's block>

買餸

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Past couple of days we’ve had to make a run to the supermarket right before dinner. In the past I would’ve driven, but for the past two days I decided to bring NN with me and we walked about 4-5 city blocks to our local supermarket. We talked. We chatted. We hung out for those 30 minutes. That’s where memories are casted.

Haiku

<writer's block>

What you see...isn't what you get...

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Today I learned (TIL)...  that all Skittles, actually have the same flavor.  But it's the color of the candy shell that makes you think YELLOW tastes like LEMON.  And PURPLE tastes like GRAPE.  Pull a blind taste test and you would not know any better....

Haiku
Colored candy shells
What you see is what you get
Fruit flavor a myth

十年

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十年, 眨動間， 就十年.  

Astoundingly... the things I remember the most from 10 years ago were... Jackson coming over at 11PM to housewatch while we hurried to the hospital cuz contractions were hurriedly coming.  We were watching "The King's Speech" on a Netflix DVD at the time.  I remember... coming home on the morning of May 1st... to see Mami having breakfast with Nui nui.... and telling them 弟弟has not arrived yet.  I remember... 小華 coming out from Mommy's womb and having the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck.  The moment I uttered "Praise God", the OB doctor on call and the nurse gave each other a look. 

After 10 years... we finally watched Star Wars, Episode 4 - A New Hope.  Much to my disappointment but much to my expectations... he did not like it.  It's a 40+ year old movie.  The graphics are old.  The dialogue is cheesy.  And the plot is overused.  Me... I found a new appreciation for the art... and how beautiful Carrie Fisher looks.

At night... as I was tucking them to bed... I asked 小華 his top 10 memories from his first 10 years.  In the order of which he whispered it....

1. Florida Trip - to Disney World
2. Today 10 day - finally able to watch Star Wars
3. Yesterday - his first and only birth day party hangout
4. The first time he saw snow - which I frankly don't even remember
5. His first day of school at Heritage as a Kindergartener
6. His first day of school after COVID
7. The first time meeting Alexander and Noah his two best friends since Kindergarten
8. Learning not be ticklish
9. Beating family 10x in a row in Super Smash Bros - New Year's eve of 2020 when we were finding every which way to have them stay awake.... and the only way was for the family to play a Nintendo Switch Game together
10. Going to Mexico and not having to ride in booster seat anymore

Quite different from NN's top 10 moments when I asked her the same question on her 10th birthday.  

What really strung my heartstrings... was the fact that... I don't know what top 10 moments I would claim with my son.  With NN... I have so much, that 10 can't possibly contain it. But with 小華.....? It's so hard being a 2nd child.  It truly is.

Happy birthday, Son. You can't possibly know how much joy you have brought into our lives... into this world... with your coming. 

Haiku

Ten years in a blink

A shadow of my own self

My beloved son