Just because

 COVID19 - School Closure - Day 157 School Reopens - Day 242

After writing over 1600 posts... I ask myself... what am I doing? Why do I even write? For the joy? For the pain? For the memories? 

Why would it be for the memory? The past few days have been a few of the worst days of my life.  How do I even document this? I joke... that when I write a memoir... a leadership book... this will take up several chapters.  And here I am... another sleepless night.  Last night... I woke up at 3AM to chest pains.  I couldn't fall back asleep until 630.  It was a panic attack.  Why am I submitting myself through this? And who do I have to vent to? Who can lend me a shoulder to cry on? Who.... can remove this cup? 

I'm lost.  I'm aimless.  Directionless.  Don't have the motivation.  Realizing life is.... just is.  And what of tomorrow? When I wake up again... at 3AM... only to realize... it's still here. Marinating.

Do you ever feel that way? Where you don't want to turn the page to tomorrow... and yet... you can't stand to live another day? So you put on a mask to face tomorrow... why??.... why..... Just because....