Pay it Forward

Got this email from a former colleague..

I actually told my planner a long time ago that our CAM Hank took us to FAZ as an appreciation lunch. His mouth almost hit the floor, in shock of course.

FAZ is a pretty high end restaurant...and I paid out of my own pocket, not something the company will sponsor.  But it didn't matter.  It was a a simple gesture of gratitude in taking my team out to lunch.

My hope isn't for him to come back to thank me.  My hope is... he will carry on my tradition of showing gratitude to people around him.  My hope is... he can inspire others, just as people have once inspired me.

Mood: Proud

伴我飛翔廿載程

糖水是甘甜、湯圓是E印、用足廿年的光陰來煉製：

多番的磨練，長期的醞釀，仔細的烹調，刻意的調味，轟烈的混淆，意外的收穫，缺憾的填補，靜心的等待，浪漫的火熱，溫柔的觀察，百變的溝通，雙方的配合，聖靈的帶領。

廿年后、我仍不明白妳為何千揀萬揀會揀中我呢個爛燈盞。但我已漸漸學習不再問 "Why?"，而是問: “What’s next?”

無言表達， 心中的感觸， 妳竟願意伴我飛翔, 廿載「情」.

Mood: Blessed

The Shaws-HANK Redemption

衰咗！ 要由頭離過。 橫風橫雨, 落狗屎!! 

“Andy crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of sh!t-smelling foulness I can't even imagine.” And at the end those 500 yards...  Andy Dufresne emerges from the sewer pipe to be welcomed by the biggest storm of liberation and emancipation only a free man can embrace.

Leaving Prayer Meeting tonight... the rain was coming down at 45 degrees.  The wind was howling, bending trees and light poles and wreaking havoc all across the Bay Area.  I walked out of warm confines of the Lai's residence and made a mad dash to my car that was less than 15 yards away; when that very same wind ripped open the sanctuary of my hood and I was being pounded by the elements.  And at that moment in time... instead of putting my hood back on or sprint to my car... I stopped, arms opened wide, head held high.... I pulled an "Andy Dufresne." 

"Tuesday"
"Wednesday at PA"
"Black Friday"
"Christmas"
"DEH-Day"
"Soup Day"

They all roll up to equal "five hundred yards of sh!t-smelling foulness."  Earlier today... I crawled through my own personal 500 yards of sh!t-smelling foulness and found liberation, freedom, I finally found Shaws-HANK Redemption.  

So....what's next????  Do I find my way to the Mexican resort of Zihuatanejo, fly my buddy down, so we can begin a how-can-it-not-be-awkward-for-two-men-to-be-in-paradise relationship??  Naaaaah... that's only in the movies.

What's next???  Project 21.

Mood: liberated

Post-flections

沒有雞尾包的日子，第10日。 驟雨

Every now and again... just like to mindlessly take inventory of this moment in time...

I am: gonna get through this
I think: the passage of time heals almost everything, almost
I know: the right thing to do
I want: to have my cake and eat it too
I have: no choice
I wish: I can turn back time
I hate: being stuck in this situation
I miss: the days of recent past
I fear: my actions do not reflect my faith
I hear: NN singing in the showers
I wonder: where she gets it from (HA!)
I regret: starting off on the wrong foot
I love: a good bottle of wine
I ache: when I hear Angel crying
I care: about hurting others
I always: want to do what’s right
I am not: a good witness
I dance: like a donkey
I sing: off key
I cry: when I think of events of recent past
I do not always: do what’s right
I fight: the temptation to break the rules
I write: how I feel…
I win: when my kids REPRESENT!!!!
I lose: when I cause others to stumble
I confuse: the heck out of myself
I listen: to that tiny voice inside my head
I can usually be found: with bags under my eyes
I need: to believe that Krazy Glue could actually work
I am happy about: the direction CS is headed
I should: dive headfirst into ministry and start letting go

Onto 2019...

Mood: resolute

Nancy

沒有雞尾包的日子，第9日。 有雲

Yet another blog post dedicated to a woman.  By my count... there's Kayi, Christie, Sandy and now.... Nancy.  On the flip side, I've only written one post for a man - and he's a dead priest!!! Ah wellz... I'll catch up with a future post.  

I haven't seen Nancy since NN was born when she happened to be in the Bay Area that day. Her family moves around every two years so we've kept in touch sporadically via random emails and Christmas cards.  She would ask me to translate things here or there or I would field some spirituality questions.  Walking into Cafe Coco and seeing her smile was the ray of sunshine I needed in an otherwise rainy day(s).  We went through small talk... went through the kids... went through our Christian walk... retirement... spouse status.  At least 5 times...maybe more.. she would ask, "How's Joyce?"  And I wouldn't know how to answer.  The first couple of times... it may have been out of courtesy.  But by the 4th and 5th time... I felt she really wanted to make sure our marriage is in a good spot.  I told her... "We're still very much in love." and "I make a point to tell her 'I love you' every day."  It wasn' t awkward nor was it forced. 90 minutes came and went.  As we parted... and I was walking back to my car (which of course, I parked 6 blocks away cuz I didn't want to feed the meter), I couldn't help but think back on what we had... what I had...

I met Nancy the Summer of '94.  She is the popular, extrovert that everyone likes and has a knack for connecting with everyone.  I was initially taken aback that someone that was so far out of my league, would want to hang out with nerdy, geeky me.  But - hey - I was more than meets the eyes back then.  And... somehow... we developed a friendship that I never knew possible; let alone with someone of the opposite gender.  Nancy was the first girl I cooked porridge with.  Though I was partnered with Yvonne, I was somehow closer to Nancy.  I still remember being on the phone with her while playing MJ with the fam... and when I drew a tile... I'd say, "Wish me luck."  And she would playfully kiss me over the phone.  All in good phun, of course.

We never developed into anything romantically... cuz that just wasn't where we were.  She was, however, an object of pursuit of one of my best friends.  And ironically, she developed an infatuation of my other best friend.  And slowly... I felt my place in her life was demoted.  That was never the case, but due to my immaturiy, I actually developed a kind of resentment of that non-demotion.  So I aptly stopped talking to her and moved on with my life.  A few times, she would reach out and try to reconcile - without ever knowing why I did what I did.  And I would dodge and ignore her.  After a while... she moved on.  We never reconnected after that. I moved on... and so did she.  Throughout the rest of high school and into college, she was "just an acquaintance" and we never rekindled what was once so pure and so envied by most.

Many years later... we sorta reconnected.  When I lost all "my friends" during the Fall of 2000... and I needed someone to talk to... I turned back to her.  But what we once had... was never more.  When she got married and needed emergency assistance - I dropped everything to help - to which she was extremely grateful.  When she was struggling with her new found faith and spirituality, I was her life jacket.  I even translated her testimony for her... so that her mom was able to follow along on the day of her baptism.  Through anything we've done post-college, post-marriage and post-family... we never found what we once had.  Something I so decidedly tossed away.

Today... as I sat across from her and listened to her non-judgemental admonishment or encouragement... I can't help but wonder - WHAT IF?? WHAT IF... I wasn't so immature? WHAT IF... I tried to reach out and reconcile earlier? WHAT IF... I was a better friend, a better brother? Woulda coulda shoulda.  I go through life with little to no regrets.. I would classify this as one of those.  But I can't help but think.... why didn't I learn my lesson from 20 years ago?? Or maybe... I did learn.  And I still have hope with what is left in front of me today.

Thank you Nanners... Rainbow... you have made a difference in my life.

Onto 2019...

Mood: remorseful 

往事只能回味

沒有雞尾包的日子，第8日。 晴天帶雲

Today was weird... extremely weird. I was exhausted, irritable, uneasy, on the verge of breakdown. What happened? The answer... Yesterday. That's what happened.

Yesterday... I had lunch and dinner with some of my long time friends. Friends who made a huge impact in my life... in my most formidable teenage/high school years. Friends who were once closer to me than family. 上刀山，落油鑊，兩協插刀. That's how close we were.

For one reason or another... some natural, some by selection, we drifted apart. At the end of our gatherings... we had the same sentiments, "Let's do this again!" But in reality... that was just the polite thing to say. We're not going to get back together. What we once had.. is in the past. 往事只能回味. We've all moved on... found new friends... established new lifestyles. Without the day to day interaction and sharing, without being involved in each other's lives... any relationship will simply die out.  Friendship, like many things, need cultivating and constant caring. How rare can you truly put nothing in, but get something in return? Hmmm.... And I guess the physical toils of the past two weeks and the emotional roller coaster finally caught up to me simultaneously.

Then something even weirder happened.  We had fellowship tonight and I was NOT into it. My mind was wandering... my heart was sunk... my soul lifeless.  After I got home... two sisters 不約而同 texted me saying, "You were very quiet tonight, are you OK?" Who are these two sisters...that know me so well (or well enuf?) to reach out to check up on me.  I was touched... deeply touched.  To which I sarcastically responded to their genuine concern, "So..... am I usually a loud mouth?!?!?"

Onto 2019...

Mood: Indifferent with a tad of hope

雪糕日

沒有雞尾包的日子，第7日。 雨

山長水遠、來到目的地。 原本想嗌草莓、因為{友人}鍾意。 但又想叫話呢嗱、夠實惠。最后、都係等老闆娘介紹、叫咗綠茶。不論什麼味，結果都是一樣、我不喜歡食雪糕。但這𥚃、又豈是雪糕店那么簡單呢？

Onto 2019...

Mood: 孤孤單單

2 Tim 3:16

沒有雞尾包的日子. 第4日.  微雨.

"All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness.." 2 Tim 3:16.

All Scripture... mmm hmm... okkkkkkkkkkkkkay.  Let's see how far we can take that....

Goodness gracious.  Went shopping for a bible today.  Since when did it get so complicated?!?!?!?   How many translations are there now?? King James (KJV).  New King James (NKJV).  Good ol' NIV.  Then there's a new one... Holman Christian Standard Bible (CSB) - that was just recently released and is all over the shelves.  Don't forget the New Living Translation (NLT).  Oh...how about the Amplified Bible.   The one that I actually got use to reading... English Standard Version (ESV) is no where to be found. 

Do I need a commentary just to explain the difference??  Oh wait... there's more.

A bible isn't just a bible anymore.  No no...  There's a Life Application Bible.  There's the Study Bible.  There's a Women's Devotion Bible.  Not to be outdone... there's a Men's Devotion Bible.  There's the Family Bible - which is the size of a phone book (people don't even know what that is anymore) who's main purpose is to sit on your coffee table to look good.  On and on and on... I was aimlessly walking uppppppppp and doooooooooown the aisles.  Hoping to find ONE... just ONE.

And at the end... I give up.  Go online.  Download the Bible App. They have all the translation.  No one lugs around a book anymore.  But everyone has a smartphone.  Let's just move on with technology already... geez louise puh-leez!!  

Onto 2019...

Mood: stressed

Precious Moment

沒有雞尾包的日子. 第3日.  密雲.

Normally, I lead the family in our nightly Family Altar before going to bed.  Joyce puts down SW and I have the honor of putting NN to sleep.  Well tonight... NN specifically requested Mommy.  No worries... I ain't jealous.  But little SW is... and it took Joyce almost yelling in order for him to give in.

After our Family Altar time, after saying their prayer, I asked Joyce "Can you help me squeeze NN's hand twice?"

Then NN asked SW, "弟弟, can you help me squeeze Daddy's hand twice?"

SW was curious... "Why?"

NN replied, "Just do it and I'll tell you later."

And SW obliged - but his squeeze was half-@$$ed, with no conviction and listless.  Nothing like a NN-squeeze.

Ever since who knows when, that's been our little code for "Heart Heart" or "Love You."  And we do it EVERY NIGHT.  Some times it's a squeeze of the hand.  If there are times when she's sleeping with her head on to the other side of the bed, I would squeeze her feet, and NN will in turn use both her feet to "hug" my arm twice.

Then I realized... wow... this is between me and NN.  We shared this one little secret bond... every night, we shared this one little precious moment.

Onto 2019...

Mood: warm and fuzzy for the right reason (yet disappointed, for other reasons)

Beautiful

沒有雞尾包的日子. 第2日.  大風雨.

Nice is when 80% of the Congregation responding to an altar call and walked up to the front to dedicate 2019 to the Lord,

Beautiful is when the two 90+ year old ladies who come to church every Sunday in a wheel chair / walker, who want to but can't walk out and join the rest of the group.  But they... stood... up.  That was beautiful.

Onto 2019... 

Mood: Cough*cough*cough (breathe) Cough*cough

Painful Truth be Told

沒有雞尾包的日子. 第1日.  大風雨.

Spent the night watching Shrek Forever After with the family tonight.  The movie was aight... but to sit for 2 hours and waste two hours of my precious night was an absolute killer.  There was so many things I could be working on.. at the very least, I can have my phone with me so I can start planning 2019 for church.  As part of my new year's resolution to "become a new man", I dropped everything and just sat for 2 hours.  

During our nightly ritual of 家庭時間:

NN's 一件開心事 was, "我好開心爸B可以同我地睇晒成套戲.  "

SW chimes in and says "爸B, 點解你成日唔同我地睇video嘅?"

NN comes to my defense, "爸B好忙㗎!"

I took that moment to apologize.  Apologize to them that I chose work over family.  That I mis-prioritized my life.  And asked for their forgiveness. 

Onto 2019... 

Mood: Apologetic