Yet another blog post dedicated to a woman. By my count... there's Kayi, Christie, Sandy and now.... Nancy. On the flip side, I've only written one post for a man - and he's a dead priest!!! Ah wellz... I'll catch up with a future post.
I haven't seen Nancy since NN was born when she happened to be in the Bay Area that day. Her family moves around every two years so we've kept in touch sporadically via random emails and Christmas cards. She would ask me to translate things here or there or I would field some spirituality questions. Walking into Cafe Coco and seeing her smile was the ray of sunshine I needed in an otherwise rainy day(s). We went through small talk... went through the kids... went through our Christian walk... retirement... spouse status. At least 5 times...maybe more.. she would ask, "How's Joyce?" And I wouldn't know how to answer. The first couple of times... it may have been out of courtesy. But by the 4th and 5th time... I felt she really wanted to make sure our marriage is in a good spot. I told her... "We're still very much in love." and "I make a point to tell her 'I love you' every day." It wasn' t awkward nor was it forced. 90 minutes came and went. As we parted... and I was walking back to my car (which of course, I parked 6 blocks away cuz I didn't want to feed the meter), I couldn't help but think back on what we had... what I had...
I met Nancy the Summer of '94. She is the popular, extrovert that everyone likes and has a knack for connecting with everyone. I was initially taken aback that someone that was so far out of my league, would want to hang out with nerdy, geeky me. But - hey - I was more than meets the eyes back then. And... somehow... we developed a friendship that I never knew possible; let alone with someone of the opposite gender. Nancy was the first girl I cooked porridge with. Though I was partnered with Yvonne, I was somehow closer to Nancy. I still remember being on the phone with her while playing MJ with the fam... and when I drew a tile... I'd say, "Wish me luck." And she would playfully kiss me over the phone. All in good phun, of course.
We never developed into anything romantically... cuz that just wasn't where we were. She was, however, an object of pursuit of one of my best friends. And ironically, she developed an infatuation of my other best friend. And slowly... I felt my place in her life was demoted. That was never the case, but due to my immaturiy, I actually developed a kind of resentment of that non-demotion. So I aptly stopped talking to her and moved on with my life. A few times, she would reach out and try to reconcile - without ever knowing why I did what I did. And I would dodge and ignore her. After a while... she moved on. We never reconnected after that. I moved on... and so did she. Throughout the rest of high school and into college, she was "just an acquaintance" and we never rekindled what was once so pure and so envied by most.
Many years later... we sorta reconnected. When I lost all "my friends" during the Fall of 2000... and I needed someone to talk to... I turned back to her. But what we once had... was never more. When she got married and needed emergency assistance - I dropped everything to help - to which she was extremely grateful. When she was struggling with her new found faith and spirituality, I was her life jacket. I even translated her testimony for her... so that her mom was able to follow along on the day of her baptism. Through anything we've done post-college, post-marriage and post-family... we never found what we once had. Something I so decidedly tossed away.
Today... as I sat across from her and listened to her non-judgemental admonishment or encouragement... I can't help but wonder - WHAT IF?? WHAT IF... I wasn't so immature? WHAT IF... I tried to reach out and reconcile earlier? WHAT IF... I was a better friend, a better brother? Woulda coulda shoulda. I go through life with little to no regrets.. I would classify this as one of those. But I can't help but think.... why didn't I learn my lesson from 20 years ago?? Or maybe... I did learn. And I still have hope with what is left in front of me today.
Thank you Nanners... Rainbow... you have made a difference in my life.
Onto 2019...
Mood: remorseful
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