爸爸生日快樂

Unassuming Tuesday night... I drove out to SF by myself to have a Bday dinner with dad.  Originally, we were going to hit House of Prime Rib... without reservations... but by the time dad got there at 5, it was already a 2 hour wait.  I thought we could hit the bar and have a quiet dinner.  But the bar was packed... and everyone and their mothers were ordering dinner there.  Shucks.  So instead... we mozied over to Harris... which is amazingly still open!!! I thought they shut down years ago.  They sat us down right away... Dad looked at the menu and said, "You order."

It was a wonderful dinner... deep, meaningful conversations... pretty decent food... exceptional service.  And their gin martini... ohhhh soooo yummy.  We talked about this..and that... and everything else. He has so many stories.  New stories.  Lots of old stories.  Lots of 怨氣 that still bothers him.  He even admits that he's getting old and senile... and is becoming a grumpy old man.  So much drama.  So many old scars.  So much pettiness.  But you can see where his values lies.  And I can't fault the guy.  I just hope that he can learn to let go.

After dinner... we're walking to our car.  And he starts talking about the HK protests and his thoughts on Communism.  He loves his country... but he hates Communism.  Communism took away his chance for a college education.  Communism forced him to go be a farmer in the middle of nowhere.  Communism threw his dad into jail for 20 years - all because grandpa made a few jokes and some unfiltered comments. 

Then all of a sudden, dad stops.  He says.. for 20 years, when dad was in jail, never once did I cry.  The one time I cried, was when your 偉叔 told me his dad just took him to watch a Russian movie in a theater.  At that moment... I felt so lonely, so abandoned.  Dad started hyperventilating.  It wasn't from the cold... nor was it from the uphill walk.  He started to cry again.  Those years of pain and anguish was rushing back into his 70+ year old self.  I quickly put my arms around him... trying to embrace him... trying to let him know, "It's OK!!  You may not had a father... but you were a great father to me!!" 

He did not hug me back.  He's a man who never experienced love.  He's never felt another man's embrace.  He didn't know to reciprocate. To him... emotions are weak.  Tenderness are for sissies.

I had a most wonderful evening with my dad... my father.  Just the two of us.  How many more years do we have left to do this??? Geez..... I hate to even think about it.