Looking back at 2018

Looking back at 2018.... I went through CNN, USAToday, APNews, TheRinger... trying to find the 1-2 nuggets that define 2018.  Nothing significant enough to crack my top 10 this year.  So let it be known...that 2018, is the year I am completely selfish, self-centered, self-focused, self-promoting.

As in years past....we'll start off with the countdown..............

10)  Ministry Assistant - 2018.  Not all the following are "MA" related.. but I'll just roll it into one, to make things easier. What a year.  How did Joyce ever put up with me for doing all this.  To a point where my friends (my best friends!!) were saying "You're doing too much."  

• 7 letters to 7 churches -  9 week Adult Sunday School on the just the 1st two chapters of Revelations.  I guess the biggest fruit we bore was PAL taking Revelations and turning it into his sermon series. That's what we get for inviting him to guest lecture.  Hmm....
• CS Directory  - Man that took a lot of work!  Not to mention moving to a new database...updating all of our attendance taking methods... and updating our archaic email alias.  Glad I was the pioneer to plow through it.  BOOM!!
• Friends and Family breakfast / lunch - Body Life, not outreach.  Everyone over-did it.  Everyone complained about it.  Everyone loved it.  Glad we were able to pull it off not once, not twice... but a surprising third time!  All the while raising up new leaders to do the work.  BOOM!!
• CNY2018 – Alliance Got Talent -  Took CNY to a whole new level for the third year in a roll.  Live voting by text?! Who would think of that???  With Joyce being a core part of 3 acts. Me on the other hand... none.  
• Men’s Retreat  - how do you get 100 men up to the Santa Cruz mountains and back?? Let me organize it...that's how.  
• Gospel Sunday - Prompted the Hamster Wheel series.  Praise God for all those who enter His kingdom.  Praise God for STEAM.  Praise God for so many brothers and sisters... who are witnesses surrounding each other like clouds and rainbows.  
• Two Lost Sons Musical - 怎去猜想這夢會變真??  Any other year... this would have been top 5, if not top 3.  Writing my own musical... how about that.  
• ARROWS – Let’s Proclaim - Get a bunch of kids... sit down... critically think about their faith and get up to pronounce it.  They came in as boys...they left as men. 
• Kids Church (Short Term Mission) - Enabled myself to spend 6 weeks serving in Children's Ministry.  It's not about passion... it's about obedience.
• Blue Sky Sunday - No one saw this coming.  My accolades.. next year, there will be an all-church picnic.  Next year... Mandarin Service will also order shirts.  My personal accolade... next year, we kick off church planting. 
• CS Budget - After seeing how the budget gets handled (within CS, mind you), I wanted to submit my resignation to PAL.  But hey... I spent nearly every penny that was budgeted to us in 2018.  BOOM!!
• Prayer Meeting - The week after Ted wants to take me under his wing to one day preach on the pulpit... I get the call to lead Prayer Meeting.  Man... it's hard.  Had some great ones.  Had one horrible one.  I'm not to grade myself...since this is given unto the Lord.  May all our prayers be from His heart.
• Wild Fire Fund Raising - Took all the lessons learned from Gospel Sunday and Friends and Family to create simple fund raising breakfast.  This was after the whole world told me "Stop! You're doing too much."  Ironically... I wasn't even here that Sunday.  
• End of year Party - Requirements were - "Cheap.  Laughter. Tears."  It was cheap.. to a point where PAL chastised me.  There was laughter.. everyone danced, even the 70 year old.  I had tears... swept the room to thank every person who made a difference in my spiritual walk.  I love my church family.  I am so grateful they love me in return.

9. Chinese School - Finally... the kids attend Chinese School.  If there is one thing I must insist on... is my kids grow up in a Christian environment.  There is another thing I insist on.... they must know their culture.  China is rising.  In 20-30 years, they will likely be traveling back overseas to do whatever God calls them to do.  It's my job to equip them and prepare them in every way possible.  After near 5 years of waiting and praying... God finally answers my prayers.  Lo and behold...the kids don't hate it.  If only they can remember... "飲嘅係美國人嘅水， 流嘅係中國人嘅血."
8. 14 years overdue - already blogged about this here.  Will always remember that fateful day when I got one of the biggest surprises of my life - all for a near meaningless gesture (to me).  People don't touch you like that anymore.  Whatever I did 14 years ago to be blessed 14 years later... I will never fully understand. 
7. Family - had to cheat again and roll them all into one.

• Cherie Visits - my one and only 細妹 visits.  Someone who I've never met.  Someone who I spent 2 days with.  There are many things you can pick and choose.  Family is not one of them.
• Divorce - who would've thunk it'll hit home, so close, so hard.  And it was in the midst of this stormy season, that family came together.  And it's not about weathering the storm so much as it's dancing in the rain.  
• Big Bro comes back - after 8 years, that night they land, and I met them at Top Cafe.  I walked in... saw the four of them sitting there, eating 焗豬扒飯, 豉椒排骨炒河, 鹹魚雞笠炒飯, 雲吞麵.  And my little nephew see me in person, point and say, "二叔."  Culminating with Christmas Dinner... where I made a small, but long overdue toast and got choked up, when I officially welcomed my brother and his family back home.  Blood will always be thicker than water.  

6. Time With Abba - I normally go to work early and pick up the kids early.  That's our routine.  But about half way through the year... I suddenly find out that whenever Joyce drops off the kids in the morning, they're listening to the Bible App with her.  So one day, I did the same thing, going through the chronological bible plan.  After we were done listening, the kids automatically each give a response.  Then they say a prayer.  My wife got them to start doing what?????
5. NN needs atropine - 2 years ago... I wrote about how she needed glasses.  Earlier this year, we got a new pair.  And out of curiosity, we went back for a second visit around October.  Just to find out her vision has gotten way worse.  She's 9... and her vision is as bad as mine when I graduated high school.  Much to our dislike... we finally bit the bullet and opted for atropine.  It won't cure her myopia... but maybe it can slow it down? Her words, "I'm so disappointed in myself."  My words, "I failed as a father."
4. Bringing SW fishing - All through life, I've wanted to be an All American dad, something my father was never able to provide for me.  Not his fault, we just weren't that Brady Bunch family.  We weren't even the Simpsons or the Bundy's.  That very moment, when I walked out from the Bait and Tackle store with two fishing rods and a bag of red-worms, I achieved my own personal dream of going fishing with my old man.  We didn't catch anything... but man was it magical. 

3. Joyce Returns to Worship Team - As much as I disagree with what Joyce did and how she was handling this, I had to stand by her.  I have to... she's my wife.  All I could do was pray for her... and continue to be her biggest cheerleader.  God listened to my prayer. And He sent an angel in the form of Samantha to love Joyce unconditionally. I was 99% certain this wasn't going to happen. But that 1% was all it took.... ironically, I didn't even find out from it directly from Joyce.
2. The Big V - any given year... this would top any man's list.  Even before any of the previous 8 happened, I was sure this would be #1.  To go through with this procedure??? Seriously.... seriously!!!  The Trader Joe's frozen peas.  Wearing briefs for the first time in over-a-decade.  Being out of commission for a weekend. Ohhhhhhhhhh weeeeeeeee...... how can it not top the list???

Sigh... in recent weeks... I had an inkling.... #1 was going to be reserved for something else.  It was either heads or tails...  I was hoping, wishing, praying, holding out.... and the results came in.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

1. "Talk to you later, XX." (CLICK) SILENCE.

It's not about how you begin, but it's about how you end. And that....is how 2018 ends. When does recovery start? When will I even be coherent enough to write about this. In due time. I need to capture this moment. These feelings. This anguish. This sorrow. These tears. At this moment in time... I recollect a poem blessed onto me over 20 years ago. That feeling of hurt is vaguely familiar. But nothing like today.

"Pooh, promise you won't forget about me, ever. Not even when I'm a hundred." Pooh thought for a little while. "How old shall I be then?" "Ninety-nine." Pooh nodded. "I promise," he said.

Onto 2019................

妹

昨天、收到細妹的微信、簡單一個稱號：「哥哥」、已令我全身溶化。  Haha... 自己一廂情願、勁無聊！

常言道：家和萬事興。 我直言：有{妺}萬事興。

Mood: more than blessed

Of all days... why Christmas??

What did I ever do to you, Christmas Day??

Did I not cherish you? Did I not believe in Santa for an insane amount of years? Did I not go to Midnight Mass and then regular Mass the next morning? Did I not go caroling...or visit the elderly... or visit the sick at the hospital??  When did I not list you as my favorite holiday of the year??  When did I not, at the very least, put up an advent calendar or even a mini-tinsel tree??  When did I not tune into KOIT for "all-day, every day, Christmas music?"

Why do you have to haunt me once again??

Christmas of '95 wasn't enough??
Christmas of 2015 when I put NN in the emergency room wasn't enough??
Now I have to deal with Christmas of 2018??  What did I do to deserve this?? Of all days.... sunava-booch!!! Jus...jus.... JUST GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!

Gotta keep busy.  Gotta keep moving. Gotta keep mind occupied.  The moment I stop... I will think.  The moment I think... well... it just sucks.  Sucks a phat nut!

Mood: soul-less... all that's left is an empty body

Happy B-day

On the day we commemorate Jesus’ B-day... on the day we celebrate mom’s bday... Today is also my B-Day. (Break Fast Day).

等咗足足一個月零一日、終於出關。結果？I admit... I bent the rules here and there. The tumbler I used for water was sooo stained with coffee, that every swig was a reminder of when life was gooood.  Went to dim sum a few times, and though I tried to drink hot water... when an elder pours you a cup of tea, who am I to not drink?

This morning... I didn’t roll out of bed as expected. Didn’t dash to Peets for my long awaited Egg Nog Latte (Ohhh my luv... ). Instead, went back to old faithful - the pour over. While the kids were giddy about Christmas presents, I was their older version as I opened canister, whiffed the aroma, scooped the 20-22 oz of brown nuggets, grinded the forbidden seed, carried the grounds into its resting nest of a size 2 filter, bathed the brown gold with 202 deg water...watched sleeping beauty come to life to inhale its first breath... and then, the two minute wait.  The longest two minutes since SW’s allergy test.

And then... the moment of truth.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Felt soooooooooo gooooooood. I’m never fasting again!!!!!!!! And the price I paid... got light headed from the caffeine shock!! Hahahhaa... love it!!!!

In honor of my B-day.... I’ve resurrected my dedication to the sweetest of sweet nectars from 2006.

Mood: In spite of the Coffee high... one of the crappiest day of the year (of my life)

Preflections - Part Deux

Couple weeks ago... I preflected on 1) Handling relationships and 2) The power of my tongue.  Both of which are my greatest strengths and yet ironically, but biggest weakness.  Adding to this list are two quotes/idioms/proverbs that I like to throw out there....

3) "Like china, once broken, it cannot be fixed"  -- normally referring to trust or love.  But can also be a relationship, when handled improperly.

4) "It's toothpaste out of a tube." -- referring to words that are said, can never be unsaid.

In a short moment of weakness (and they usually are short, but intense), words came out that shattered a precious china into pieces.  Words that, though can be forgiven, can never be put back into a toothpaste.  As much banging my head on the wall as I can muster... the grief that I'm carrying gets heavier and heavier each day.  Until today..... when ironically I found out these two things.

3a) "Kintsugi" - the genius (and gorgeous) way of repairing broken china
4a) "How to Put Toothpaste Back in the Tube" - the things people do to prove a point

So....!!!  I guess I needa step up my game... stay positive... and try to turn lemon into lemonade. Or in this case... broken pieces of china into a work of art.  Ohhhhh... if only this were true.

Mood: Hopeful

Breaking an Addiction - Part Deux

Had a crazy dream (nightmare) last night.  In my dream... Joyce suggested that instead of a 30 day fast... why not go for a 100 days!!!  No no no...

Mood: No no no...

Breaking an Addiction

With 5 days left on my plan…. I get to do reflect the past 25 days of trying to break this addiction. I shalln’t make light of those who are actually dealing with substance abuse and really do need professional treatment. Those are folks who really need a mountain moving intervention to save their lives/marriages/etc… This is merely an average Joe Schmoe with too much time on his hand trying to add another reason to complain…where I set up silly rules, only to break them or dance around them.

Like all ventures, the first few moments start out great. From working out.. to going on a road trip.. to a new relationship… to opening a new toy. There’s excitement and the looking-forwardness to change; change that ought to bring you to a gooder place. Then once the initial excitement wears away, the pangs start stabbing you. And it comes hard, full-force, without mercy.

I already blogged about the shortness of breath, the aches in the joints, the pains in the muscles, the shivers and chills. Those couple days flat out suck. There’s no better way to describe it. You want more than anything than just to kick yourself – hard – so that the physical pain can alleviate any of the mental and emotional pain that’s draining your entire being. Your shoulders slump a few more inches than usual cuz, like Atlas, the world is on your shoulders with no way out. Then the withdrawal or cleansing process slowly begins.

You top off (or bottom out?) after those first few days…thinking life is better now, right?? Nope… then you have to face reality. Reality is brutal.  I mean…seriously… no one would believe me if I said coffee has become soooo important to me… that I can give up most any other addiction / vice in my life, other than coffee. The art of drinking something [else] hot has not broken my habit. Finding a substitute is exactly what that is… a substitute. Deep down, I’m still thinking about coffee. Day in and day out… the nagging…the throbbing… the pulling... continues. The pangs are sinusoidal. Some days… it’s dormant. Other days it’s booming. As much as it seems like things can get better…one day later…it takes a 180 and life gets flipped turned upside down. Maybe in a world that’s completely monotonous and grey…where there’s no reminder of coffee… is what it’ll actually take to dilute the memories of recent past.

True… my physical body can live without caffeine, and I’ve paid some price for it. The physical detox is done. That was a small price to pay, like a bridge toll, where you pay, go and don’t look back. But the emotional bondage and hindrance is suffocating. You see it. You smell it. You hear mentions of it. You have fond memories (or not so fond memories) of it. And ur neurons simply fire off a million miles per hour… jarring those little spheres of memory like they did in Inside Out. Who am I kidding… I ain’t breaking any addictions here. In 5 days… I’m gonna wait till the stroke of midnight and at 12:01AM, make myself a hot cup of brown water. Then have the best night of sleep I’ve had in weeks. And in maybe another 6 months to a year… I’ll go through this cycle again.

This is fine and all…. Coffee is just coffee. It can’t make you…nor can it break you. But what if this addiction wasn’t a consumable, but {something} closer to your heart?

Mood: Incorrigible

Epic Fail

Another one of those parenting moments... but this time it was a failure on all fronts, hence this EPIC failure.

Earlier this morning... I was in the showers and NN said she couldn’t find something. I couldn't quite hear her so I said I’ll look for it later.  We left for school and was about 0.5 miles away from our house when I noticed Nn crying.  When I asked why... it turns out there was a contest at school for the cover of the Christmas Performance program and she couldn't find her submittal.

After my shower, I had one two many things to do and it slipped my mind.

When I asked her why she didn’t remind me, she said he wanted to but was afraid to ask. 

I had a choice... U-turn and risk running late. Or use this as a teaching moment, to not misplace your stuff. I decided to continue driving and broke my daughter’s heart. Upon drooping her off, I apologized for forgetting... but I wasn't going to bend.  I wasn't going to rush home to look for her design.

Out of remorse, I texted Joyce in which I got -- Silence.

That night, I was home first.  When Joyce got home, she walks in with deep bags under her eyes. It turns out she not only lacked sleep... she also came home in the middle of the day to look for the design. Only... to find nothing. Which is exactly what I was afraid of. 

Epic fail. I failed as a dad for forgetting and not turning back
Epic fail. Nn failed to keep her things organized and in tact.
Epic fail. Joyce couldn’t resist teaching her daughter a lesson...and in doing so, further tired her already tire self.

What kind of parents are we??

Mood: failure 

奔跑吧！

千里馬、再次奔跑吧！

Mood: relieved

5 Kernels of Corn

Had the privilege and honor to lead the final CS Prayer Meeting of 2018.  Part of the Prayer Items....was based on the story or legend of the 5 Kernels of Corn which dates back to the original Thanksgiving, when the pilgrims were experiencing their first winter.  They had nothing to eat but their daily rations of 5 kernels of corn.  So every year... as part of the tradition, they'd go through these 5 kernels and offer 5 thankgivings for the year.

My criteria.... "I am thankful for..."
1) yourself
2) your family
3) your church
4) your country

A lot of the men were thankful for their wives (Awwww.....) their jobs.  Everyone was thankful for this church family - a place of joy and restoration.  One sister even went onto say that CS is especially blessed with joy...more so than the other congregations.  (Not a competition, just a statement of fact).

When it got to country.... oh gawwwwwwwwwwwd..... I took the high road and gave thanks for democracy (in spite of the results).  Some people openly said they were thankful for Trump.  (What did I do?!?!?!?)  But one sister said... "If God is able to use Nebuchadnezzar, He can use anyone."  Tru dat.  Tru dat.  And we all know what happens to Nebuchadnezzar.... nyuk nyuk nyuk....

The 5th and final kernel.... I especially reserved some time to give thanks for... our pastor.  Tears really starting coming out by then... glad that PAL wasn't there last night.  HA!

Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, watching over them—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not pursuing dishonest gain, but eager to serve; 3 not lording it overthose entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. 4 And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away.  ~1 Peter 5:2-4

So much to be thankful for this year.  As for me... not in any particular order. Almost like my Top 10 is halfway done!!! HA!!

5) Warriors Championship - I know, shallow.
4) Family coming together in the midst of a stormy season
3) God's provision and sustenance for 2 wonderful SoCal trips + 1 Yosemite trip
2) Being surrounded by witnesses like clouds and rainbows from past and present
1) {New beginnings...}

Mood: Grateful

Preflections

I'm already working on my top 10 of 2018.... and in the midst of counting down one of the best years in near recollection... I have to stop for some preflections.

Not even sure how to capture this in words... but the past couple of weeks have been tough. It's been weird. It's been.... complicated. So many things I want to say... so many ways I can say it... yet...the words just don't seem to be manifesting themselves right now.

Couple of things I can preflect on....

1) Handling relationships. I am a novice at best when it comes to relationships. Looking back at my life... I've had 3, maybe 4 relationships that I have truly wasted due to my immaturity, my inexperience, my insistence of doing things according to my terms. Selfish, is really what it is. And here I am, yet again, going through a similar experience.

2) The power of my tongue and the consequence it can cause when misused.  The Book of James is easily one of my favorite books in the bible. It's so practical. A modern day "How-to." It's the only book in the bible that values works as much as faith. And it also admonishes the tongue.

5 Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

How true it is for me. When I let loose my tongue...and the sarcasm and jokes flow out... how easily it can hurt others. It is better, if I never even open my mouth. Ironically... I've been complimented as being "articulate", "well-spoken", and even "linguistic" (though I think that's misnomer) Of all the things I get complimented on... it also is one of my greatest weakness.

2018 is coming to a close... how I long for these issues to also come to a close. This feeling of uncertainty, of mystery, is suffocating. I hate not having control of my feelings...of my thoughts. But one thing is constant...and that's change. If given enough time... these feelings will go away. Right??

Mood: Confizzled 

Life without Coffee...

Day 11 of my coffee detox or more specifically... my caffeine detox.  Been also avoiding tea, Coke, or energy drinks. I’ve come to acclimate to the initial shakes, pains and chills. Physically I think I’m in a good spot.

The tuffest part I find in this detox/diet/fasting exercise is what do I put in my mouth throughout the day? The past two mornings I’ve been drinking hot water. It's hot and it's wet.  That’s just so gross. It’s grosser than gross. It’s...effin gross or “fross.” I just made up a new word.

Mood: fross

Betrayal of Trust

I was home alone with SW and while working in the garage, I started wondering where he went. The house was eerily quiet and the door to my room was closed. (Strange). And when I opened it, I see SW playing Gods of Olympus on my phone. He realizes I caught him and he quickly shuts it off. CAUGHT RED HANDED!!!!

He knows there’s no screen time on weekdays. And he knows that even on weekends he must ask for permission. He knowingly disobeyed. Snuck behind my back to do what he wants to do.

(How did I react?! What did I do?? Did I rip a new one into him?! Would it have helped??!)

This is.... inevitable. It’s human nature to break the rules. Human nature to let your own desires overcome authority. Today... it’s an innocent game on my phone. One day.. it could be inappropriate material on line... weed... or walk in on him and a girl. The possibilities are endless...but just sticking to the facts. Today marks the first day he betrayed my trust to THIS extent. My baby is growing up in front of my eyes... and I wanted to gouge my eyes out, rather than see what I saw today.

Mood: hurt masked by anger

(No... did not rip him a new one. Thanks to a {special someone}, I dealt with this somewhat calmly. Ended up have him copy 主禱文 three times. Argh....)