Good Dad, Poor Dad

COVID-19 - School Closure - Day 17

While lying in bed resting... SW rolls in and asks if he can watch TV.  Sure...why not.  It's the weekend and they've been extremely well behaved today.  But in the spirit of making them earn it and know the value of something... I ask him to come up with 10 Things You Like About Bah-B.  Haha...  it took a while, and some were disqualified because he repeated them.  But the 10 things are:

• funny
• plays with me
• fun
• happy
• lovable
• loving (they're different!)
• reliable (I asked him to spell it... he got it)
• responsible
• smart (cuz Mah-Mee says you're smart)
• protective

Good moment... nay... great moment.  Which got completely trashed when I snapped at NN not once, but twice.  Over stoopid, stoopid things!!  

One time, was when she say some 5th graders do math (in a movie) that she didn't know.  And she just would not let go of the fact that she's not the smartest person in the world. Ugh...

Then when we were getting ready for bed... and SW was pooped... she kept on bother him until she literally woke a sleeping dragon.  "What are you doing!?!?"  "I don't know." =(

I apologized.  Lied down next to her.  Used my feet to squeeze her feet.  She returned the double squeeze.  But we did not tackle the crossword puzzle together tonight.  Sigh.... it's finally gotten to me.  Not the infectious CV-19... but cabin fever.  Ugh.... so real. This is so real. 

Change of pace

COVID-19 - School Closure - Day 16

A lot of things happened today... but one thing that didn't happen... for the first time in who knows how long... we didn't get anything delivered to our doorstep.  What did happen was... I stood in line at Pineapple King... 6 feet apart from the person in front of me and behind me.  And I ended up delivering the 12 heavenly pillows to big bro.  Wish I had more cash on me so I can get 2 dozens.  Just wasn't meant to be.

The fax of the matter is...

COVID-19 - School Closure - Day 15

Was asked to fax something today.  Can I scan and email? Nope.  Fax.
Isn't scanning and email the same thing? Apparently not.
Isn't fax less secure, cuz it goes to a tray and anyone can snatch it? Why the heck are we so prehistoric?!  And where do I find a fax machine!?!?!??

This can't be real.  But it's real.  This is real.

Everyone's on edge...

COVID-19 - School Closure - Day 14

Cabin fever really setting in and everyone's on edge - some more than others.  For the 3rd time this week... NN and Joyce got into a huge shouting match.  Earlier this week... the night after I popped some Nyquil and slept in a bit... I woke up to NN screaming and yelling.  .  Yesterday... what started with a half-@$$ed homework assignment turned into me pulling SW out of the room and closing all the doors of the house.  I alas relented and had to step in "Ok... 夠喇."  Got 2 minutes of peace and quiet before WWIII broke out again.  To a point where we're eating lunch now and all I hear is NN wailing.  As a parent... you can't help but shed a tear when your child is crying like that.  And today... over an innocent squabble of piano technique turned into... WWIV.  It always starts out with a fairly trivial topic and escalates and escalates.  Joyce, to her credit, did not take the bait and did not feed the fire.  But NN was delirious.  Bringing up all these things that made zero sense...but was so very true from the deepest pit in her heart.  How I wanted to just run out there and slap her for talking back to mom that way.  

Makes you think that one day... she'll end up saying the words, "I hate you!" before running out of the house.  Can it happen? Probably.  Will it happen? I can't even dare imagine it.....  

Oh and btw... the principal sent an email saying school is closed till at least May 1st. Cabin fever.  It's real.  This is real. 

好juicy!!

COVID-19 - School Closure - Day 13

Shelter in Place isn't all bad.  One great thing about it is... we've been able to commit to family TWA every day.  And instead of doing the "official way" - I improvise a little.  And if we're reading OT or NT that day... I tell them to look for 8 things that jump out at you.  Why 8?? I don't know.

There are days that we have to squeeze water out of a dry towel.  Then there are days like yesterday where SW kept on say... "嘩！ 今日好juicy呀."  Heh... haven't heard anyone use that word to describe TWA before.  Is this real?? Can this be real??

雪中送炭

COVID-19 - School Closure - Day 12

Around 3:45... got a text from Big Bro saying to expect a delivery at the door... a little gift for the kids.  Turns out he had a pepperoni pizza delivered to us... knowing full well that we've been cooking every single freakin' meal the past two weeks.  An amazing gesture... inspiring me to pay it forward and order some takeout for other people.

On the sadder note... NN was doing her online piano lesson when the pizza arrived.  And SW simply couldn't control himself.  He gorged down 4 slices all by himself.  Leaving just 1 for NN and 1 for Mama. Sigh... he's only 8.  I didn't come down on him..  but it was a teachable moment.  Not the first time he's been so self-serving.  But it's real.  This is real.

TP?!? Who needs TP??!

COVID-19 - School Closure - Day 7

Ever since we saw Jce with one... Joyce has been wanting to install a bidet in our home.  And with TP flying (rolling?) off the shelves like... well.... I actually can't think of an analogy at this point.  (Warriors Championship gear in 2015??  Flat screens at Walmart on Black Friday? Hamilton Tickets during their first run?) Anyhoo...  the short of the long... installed a bidet.  Kids love it...for obvious reasons.  But the verdict is out.  Does it clean better? Does it actually save you money?

In other news... both the kids and I are so sore today after yesterday's HIIT.  They opted to play HORSE with a little indoor basketball hoop for PE.  I wouldn't have mind pushing for another session, working another muscle group.  Ended up going for a jog as the sun was setting.  It took a near pandemic for me to go jogging again. Go figure. Can't get sick now... it's real.  This is real. 

H.I.I.T.

COVID-19 - School Closure - Day 6

Developed a schedule today to better help the kids and us... to partition our day so there aren't times when they come in and out looking for things to do.  Part of the schedule was a time slot for P.E., thinking that on top of just walking around the neighborhood after lunch, that we can actually get some physical activities in.  I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

Ended backing the car out of the garage... and without any prep or any forethought... I engaged the kids in 30 minutes worth of HIIT or High Intensity Interval Training.  I hadn't done this for about 1-2 years now... where you work really hard for a minute... take a short 10 sec break... then work really hard again.  You go from exercise to exercise, working a different muscle group with very short breaks in between.

They're 10 and 8.  They play every day.  They should be flexible and strong and ready for the challenge.  Me on the other hand... I was dying.  What was I thinking?!?!??

In so much pain right now... gonna pay for it tomorrow.  It's surreal. This is surreal.

Sensitive or Discrimination?

COVID-19 - School Closure - Day 5

Dropped our car off to a local gas station to get an oil change... I'm surprised they're still opened.  About 30 minutes later... I walked back to that gas station.  On the way... I passed by a bus stop where the driver was taking a break... standing by the bus shelter checking his phone.  He had sunglasses and a mask on.  When he saw me approach... I gave him the customary headnod.  But he quickly did an electric slide and bounced out of my way to let me pass. 

At the moment, I was thinking.. he's being responsible.  As a city worker... he needs to keep his distance from everyone.  Or did he bounce away cuz he saw the color of my skin?

Discrimination.  It's real. This is real.

Sooner or later

COVID-19 - School Closure - Day 4

With the explosive rate that folks are confirming testing positive... it's only a matter of time that someone within your circle of friends will be "It", right? Huda thunk... that friend... would be me.

Officially... day 1 of Homeschooling.  Also day 1 of telecommuting.  My schedule was packed.  Kids were antsy inspite of assignments from school.  Joyce had to go to work. By the time I was done making dinner... I was feeling it.  After dinner... I excused myself to do a temporal scan and BOOM.... 98.1.   Wait... that's normal right?? Normal is 98.6???  Not for me who runs hot, so my body temp is generally hovering around 97.5.

Without a moment to spare... Grabbed my bottle of water... bible... TWA journal... and locked myself in my room.  NN was so scared.  What would happen to me?? What would happen to my family?? How do I even backtrack my steps to let everyone I've come in contact with know????

Lied down... covers over... and just rested.  I felt my muscles relax.  My bones started stretching out.  My skin was panting for air.  My body was tired.  After about 20 minutes... did another scan... 98.1.  5 minutes later... Did another scan... 97.7.  Another 5 minutes... 98.3.  Every 5 to 10 minutes... it'll go up and down.  I should just stick a baby thermometer up my butt.  (Ow-wee!!)

About 2 hours later... I finally start to stabilize.  And by the time the family went to bed... I got back down to my normal 97.3ish.

Too close for comfort.  Don't care if it's the flu... or CV19... or whatever.  I can't get sick now.  I simply can't.  It's real.  This is real. 

90 years young

COVID-19 - School Closure - Day 2

Today was Joyce's grandma's memorial service.  It's been nearly 3 months since that fateful night when I got a call at 2AM in the morning that "Bring her family now."  Who knew she would last till now? Who knew....

Oddly enough... it was my 3rd memorial service this year.  And it was NN and SW's 2nd one in less than a month.  Boy was I unprepared for this one.  The kids already have an aversion to death... but today... the ceremony was a traditional Chinese, Buddhist ceremony.  Incense, monks, chanting...  Oh the chanting.  It was actually spiritual warfare.

Throughout the entire 20 minute chanting... I tried to concentrate on Jesus.  I started reciting bible verses.  Failed. At times like this... my memory wasn't serving me well.  Or I just don't have a strong enough grasp of His word.  Then I started to sing worship songs.  Started with some recent ones. Failed.  The words just wouldn't come out.  Then I reached back and sang some of my favorite SOP songs... thinking I wouldn't forget them.  The chants kept wrecking my rhythm.  Failed. Then I went back to some of my favorite English worship songs like "Here I am to Worship."  Failed.  This was getting bad... so I fell back onto some of the purest and oversang worship songs... Christmas Carols.  They helped.... I got further along.  But the chanting was overpowering.  In the end... I had to go back to 80's TVB and Cantopop songs.  Just so I'm not entrapped with the chanting.  The chanting wasn't just from the monks.  A lot of the guests including family members were doing it too.  I was surrounded.   It finally ended.  And then it was time to view the person one last time.  I grabbed NN and paraded around the mortuary with everyone else with my arm around her.  The only word I can say were, "Jesus. Jesus."  I didn't know how else to shield my children from this.  I prayed for forgiveness.  For mercy.  The family was doing this to honor their parent.  The only way they knew how - though it is against the desires of God.  I bet I stood out like a sore thumb.  By refusing to offer incense.  By standing firm when everyone bowed.  I bet they think I'm odd, weird.... the black sheep of the family.

“If you come to me but will not leave your family, you cannot be my follower. You must love me more than your father, mother, wife, children, brothers, and sisters—even more than your own life!  Whoever will not carry the cross that is given to them when they follow me cannot be my follower." Luke 14:26-27

It's tough.  It's real.  This is real.

It's real

COVID-19 - School Closure - Day 1

Around 1pm yesterday, got a sudden email from the principal that school will be closed indefinitely due to "people in our community showing feverish symptoms."  So well written - so hard to protect the innocent - yet needing to get the word out at the urgency of the matter. 

For no apparent reason, Joyce chose to go to Costco yesterday... and then again today.  It's worse than a zoo - yet she still braves the crowd and lines and possible brawls.  Why?? "Cuz I found a parking spot... why not."  

It's real.  This is real.  Not so much the disease and the pandemic.  But the reaction to the pandemic.  A couple of weeks ago... we laughed at one particular ethnic group ransacking the stores for staples and water.  A couple weeks later.. the whole Bay Area is kicking themselves for not doing it earlier.

It's real.  This is real.  Traffic is a breeze these days with all the company mandated telecommute.  Yet... as I drove home yesterday... there was still traffic on 85.  Maybe everyone was headed to Costco?? 

It's real.  This is real.  SJCAC is closing its doors and will livestream Sunday service.  NBA, MLB and NCAA is suspending or canceling their events.  The Olympics will follow suit soon... with all the Olympics trials being canceled... there's no way you can work your way up to summer.  Which makes the 2021 Olympics so much more glorious.  Wouldn't it be ironic if it ended up back in China....?? As such, it's just a couple thousand miles away in Japan. 

It's real.  This is real.  Am I scared?? I would say... much more than a couple of weeks ago.  I mean... I flew out of SJC to a leadership conference.  And now, 4 TSA agents have been confirmed.  My kid went to school with other kids who have fevers.  My workplace... my building no less... has a confirmed case.  What are the possibilities that I'm a carrier????  

It's real.  This is real.  After a long day yesterday... without nourishments... I got home, ate dinner, and started to feel a scratchy throat and feeling a bit warm.  I took a short nap and my throat felt better.  But I was afraid to take my temp - what if I really was heating up.  Thankfully... the results came back normal.  Did it again a few times... without letting the family see it... didn't want them to worry.  

It's real.  This is real.  Yet... so many places are still taking it lightly.  Still traveling.  Still flying.  The news of a man who knows he's a carrier, still getting on a flight from NY to Florida.  He's now banned for life.   

This generation?? My kids generation?? Why can't they skip them?? Why do they have to face this and live through this?? When will this cease??? 

Let it be known... today is Friday the 13th.  BOOM. 

For the first time in forever...

Since that unfateful Sunday... I've stayed away from sports talk radio or sports in general.  Today... with what's happening in the world... I finally reacquainted myself with KNBR.  It took a freakin pandemic to shake me loose... huda thunk. 

CA Redemption

For each can.... $0.05.  Each big bottle.... $0.10.

We finally took our bags of cans and bottle to a local Trader Joe's.  I think I got jipped...but nonetheless... got $4.25 out of it.  Instead of buying something... we took the cash.. I grabbed an extra quarter from my pocket (don't know how it even got there) and split it evenly between NN and SW.  $2.25 each.

They took the money... and gave it to the family standing at the driveway... begging for the next meal.  Redemption for California.  Redemption for fatherhood.  My kids both did well today.  I am proud.

SLS Day 3

Another night of insomnia attack.  I limited the alcohol intake last night already.... it's the altitude.  It's the sheets.  The pillow.  Horrible. 

The day passed by pretty fast. 

During breakfast...  I didn't see any friends, so I sat with strangers again.  Strangers who's name I knew, but not the face.  When I tell them who I am...and what I do... I swear... there's a glimpse of question, followed by a glimpse of admiration or fear.  Hmmm... maybe I'm not that low in the totem pole afterall.  Towards the end of breakfast, ended up sitting with a Director of an organization that I really want to join.  I briefly told her what I was doing... then I excused myself.  She ended up chasing after me and said she wanted to follow-up when we got back home.

During a breakout session... I sat in a group of my peers... folks I grew up with.  Folks I knew would make VP one day cuz of their charisma but they actually have technical knowledge and they're willing to work those long hours.  In our chats... hearing them talk... how they carry themselves...  I find myself wondering.... "That's it??? How are they different from me????" 

During lunch, sat with a VP that's a known a-hole... not cuz he is one... he's actually someone you wanna have a beer with.  Also sat with someone from SE MAP - the 2nd person to become Director.  (Sigh....when will it be my turn? ).  But for some reason... there was no class bias here.  She was actually the one that reached out and introduced HER-self.  She knew who I was.... I didn't know her.  She was a peer, if not a friend.   At the end... she says, 'Tell Matt I said hi...."  and I reply back, "You should tell Matt you said hi...."  Do ppl talk to Directors that way?? I guess you do when you don't see with their title... but as a person. 

I mentally started to checkout... cuz I was super tired.  And also cuz I found out that I made an error with my booking and booked a flight out for yesterday!!! So stoopid.  Ended up sitting on a couch...with a director that I want to work for... and she and I were making last minute bookings.  Heh... not a good way to impress a future boss? Maybe????

As I was walking out of the resort... not knowing when I'll be back in this company... I bump into my former VP.  He says, "Hank, I'll be in Sunnyvale next week.  Get on my calendar and let's catch up."  Hmm....

At the airport... finally able to sit down and catch up with emails.  Most importnatly... had some quiet time to talk with my wife.  It's been a tornado of a week for our family... for NN... for SW... for us.  We had so much to share.  About the camping trip.  My emotional roller coaster at this SLS.  How I feel so blessed to be where I am today... doing what I do... but also have the freedom and work life balance.  How I am green with envy... that I don't want be here as an L6 and a tag-along... but as a bonafide Director (if not VP).  How I know that I should find my satisfaction in the Lord and not worldly things.  How she hates her job and wants to quit.  But how there are suddenly head hunters calling her.  How SW is a trooper and is more resilient and adapative than we gave him credit for.  And the call ended with..... "Congratulations!! On behalf of the Admission Committee...."

Sigh... the flight home was uneventful.  If not quick.  Ended up watching a Hong Kong movie in Cantonese.  Second time I've done that on a United Flight.  The plane was full of execs, once again, and one of the VP's actually walked up and down the aisle handing out drink tickets.  One day.... one day... that could be me.  But maybe not in a plane... maybe I'll be pouring drinks into people's glasses when I, one day, own my own restaurant.

Last part of my day.... as I walking to the shuttle to go to long term parking... I see none of the execs there.  Of course not... they all park short term parking.  ($30/hr vs. $15/hr).  I suddenly find myself walking behind a VP.... the broad shoulders and familiar haircut of MC.  The VP who has groomed me, watched over me... and made my life miserable since 2005.  Was he taking a shuttle to long term parking like the average joe??? No... he was walking to get a taxi.  Heh... I guess he doesn't do Uber.  I stopped him... shook his hand... said it was nice seeing him again.  To which he said, "Hey Hank.  Congratulations!" 

I didn't have the heart to tell him the truth.  And as my SLS journey comes to an end... and I boarded that shuttle bus... that's what was on my mind.  How I can take that word of congrats and formally say, "Thanks."

SLS Day 2

Alcohol and Altitude doesn't mix well.  I woke up around 12AM after balling my eyes out and couldn't fall back asleep until 4AM!!!! 

Breakfast was awkward again.  Everyone was in a jacket if not a suit.  My department Directors said, "this is jeans for Denver."  I shake my head.  I slug through breakfast with a bunch of strangers.  Looking desperately for any friends I can hang out with.  I don't have any. 

Walked over to the main session and found my table.  Turns out I'm in the second row.  I guess they place the L6's up front so we get the full experience.  And you can easily see where the Directors and VP's rank based on how far they are from the stage.  Heh....

Surprisingly... I got assigned to sit with our company's #2 guy and the two VP's that I want to work for.  Go figure.  Also sat with an a-hole (via email) who turned out to be just another guy in real life.  Don't judge. 

They did an excellent job, I have to say.  The app.  The sound.  The videos.  The AV.  It's no WWDC, not even close.  But it's something.  I wasn't particularly inspired by any of the talks though.  Just the same ol' same ol'.  "Culture eats strategy for lunch."  "They're gunning for us."  "We need to be thought leaders." "By 2020, 50% of our workforce will have less than 3 years of experience." Long gone are the talks of FSL.  Shaping the Future.  Deliver Results.  Blah blah blah....

Found my boss for lunch - which was refreshing.  The other department Directors sat with us so I wasn't by myself this time.  I didn't want to hang out with them though.  I want to meet new friends but I wasn't going to reach out.  Heh... the dilemma. 

After lunch... I strolled around to work on the one thing I was set out to do.  Catch Pokemon's for SW!!!  There were two gyms that I started taking over.  Having both phones... I was able to double team the players there.  Heh.... it was a full time job to manage SW's pokedex.  Make sure I catch powerful and new pokemons.  Feeding and caring of the ones in the gym.  Was I surprised that no one else at the resort was playing??? I guess not.....

The afternoon and evening sessions were a bit better.  I guess I was able to let my guard down a bit.  Found more Directors and VP's that I knew... and I even walked up to introduce myself to a few of them.  But didn't drop an "elevator speech."  Just wanted to say "hi." Walked through "Innovation Hall" which was supposedly the top 15 innovations from around the company.  I may have buried my career by saying, "I used to be one of those guys!! But I've lost the ability to innovate."  What was an honest admittance... turned out to be underselling myself.  All the so-called innovations.... were underwhelming.  Tableau? A new excel tool? Data mining? Psssh.....  no wonder we're floundering. 

Most important part of the day.... (aside from catching Pokemon's)... was SW.  Joyce headed up to Science Camp to be with the class.  After jerking around big bro for a few times... we finally asked him to watch over SW for the night... the first time he's away from home without NN.  I was especially worried... cuz SW is not NN.  NN is socialable... gregarious... and borderline talks too much.  She's 10 and can take care of herself.  SW... has always been a home body and hasn't 見世面.  It was so relieving to see pictures of him - smiling, playing, eating.  Big bro took great care of him... fed him.... spoiled him... made sure he was comfortable.  When I facetime'd him at night... he didn't miss me at all.  Four words that sealed the deal for me from Big Bro.... "真係好乖." 

Yes - SW is not NN.  SW is SW.  I gotta remember that.

And with 2.5 hours of sleep... let's see how fast I can crash tonight. 

SLS Day 1

3 days in Denver where the EVP gathered all the VP's and Directors from the company (and a bunch of L6's). Over the weekend, I was struggling whether to go or not... and actually hoping that Rick will cancel the event. Monday morning became Monday afternoon... still no email.  Sigh...

Joyce armed me with wipes, hand sanitizer and N95 masks.  At the airport - hardly anyone wore masks with the exception of the two TSA agents monitoring the baggage.  On the plane, my neighbor wiped down his seat and used purell.  Turns out he has a young kid at home.  Saw a bunch of execs on the plane... did the customary head nod acknowledging their existence.

Got to the hotel via Uber... picked up a Director on the way.  Saved him 30 minutes of headaches by bypassing Avis.  The hotel is big... it's not a hotel.  It's a resort.  $23 of resort fee pays for free wifi and 2 bottles of water.  Heh... There were at least 3 other conferences there.  Makes me think of the LEAD Summit and how professional we were.

Started bumping into more and more ppl.  And then I headed off to the heavy hordeurves meet and greet.  I felt so out of place.  The instructions were to wear jeans.  Almost everyone was wearing a jacket and slacks.  Those who were jeans... tucked in their shirts.  I didn't feel like mingling or networking - mainly because - I'm not them.  I'm a lowly L6.  They are execs.  I don't belong here.  A huge shroud of loneliness and inadequate started suffocating me.  So I grabbed a drink... and just stood in the corner.  Literally.

Makes me think of an Alice Adams novel I read in 11th grade about a girl going to party and standing in a corner.  She would pretend to look around, acting like she was anticipating a friend to turn a corner or someone to stop by and talk.  Either she was tricking herself... or trying to trick others. I didn't do that.  I stood there, stoic.

A friend stopped by finally. "Hank, you look lonely here."  We catch up.  And he leaves.  8 short years ago... I was a manager and he was up and coming. He's now a Director.  The night continues.  I end up finding 1-2 friends.  They're all Directors now.  Then I found myself chatting it up with a stranger who's 冇價子.  Turns out he's a company lawyer.  (HA!!)

Ended up finding my old boss and we caught up.  She was a great boss.  I can't say she grew me or cultivated me.  But she was there to provide coverage and protection during a difficult time.  I always thought I was the brains and arms behind the operations.... and she was there cuz of networking.  Today... she's a Director and I'm an L6.  She deserves it.

I couldn't take it anymore. I had to leave the social hour... feeling more and more lonely.  Walked around and got lost in the maze of this resort.  On my way back to my room... walked by a small family.  They had 2 kids... maybe 4 and 2? And while the parents were chatting away... the two of them were playing catch with a sweatshirt bundled together.  Giggles and laughter.  So simple.  So pure.  Their joy was intoxicating.  I didn't have any of that.  I was sooooooooooo homesick.

Got back to my room... turned on the TV and caught the end of "Good Will Hunting."  (ShowtimeHD with a 4KTV is amazing.)  Caught the part where Matt Damon was in Robin Williams' office for the penultimate time.  All the build-up of supremacy, of being a mental genius and having physical prowess all came crumbling down with four simple words... repeated over and over again... "It's not your fault."

"It's not your fault."

"It's not your fault."

("Don't fuck with me man!")

"It's not your fault."

"It's not your fault."

Will breaks down.  I do the same.  And I passed out........

I hate my job

I hate my job.

I hate being a manager.

I can't keep doing this year in and year out.

Onto Denver I go.... armed with wipes, masks and hand-sanitizer.