Regret

In life... you can't have too many regrets.  Every triumph and every failure is exactly what it took to get me to where I am today.  Though I proclaim to have no regrets and fully trust God in His providence... I do have regrets.  And today, I opened up one of the biggest regrets of my life.

Was rummaging through some junk dad handed to me.  While cleaning it out... I found a letter, folded into a tiny square buried inside an envelope that contained a letter stating I was awarded a scholarship.  I opened that letter... and for the very first time... I laid eyes on my Lowell High School rejection letter.  I've heard about this letter.  Dad has mentioned it several times (in my presence), of how I juuuuuuust missed the cutoff cuz of my ethnicity.  

I studied the letter.  Then I studied the scoring criteria to realize, I was off by 2 points.  Two points is the size of the Grand Canyon compared to those who missed it by 1 point.  Then I analyzed where those 2 points came from.  I scored in the 96th percentile on that CTBS Entrance Exam.  I thought I had screwed it up.  Getting into the 97th, 98th or 99th percentile would've just yielded me 1 more point.  Where I really screwed up... was 8th grade, 1st semester English and Social Studies, where I got a B average. 

In that bag, was also my 8th grade report card.  English... quarter by quarter, I got A-, B, A, A.  What happened in that second quarter?!?!?!?  How did it drop to a B????  Social Studies...quarter by quarter....B, A-, A-, A.  What happened in first quarter???? How did I go from B to A's????  I was THAT close!!!! Had I just gotten an A- in the 2nd quarter of English; or an A- in 1st quarter of Social Studies... or an A here, and one percentile higher there... then life as I know it will be..................................................  

I stared at my report card in disbelief for minutes.  I was in shock.  THAT was how close I was???  I started to shake.  Tears started to well up.  Dad kept this letter ALL THESE YEARS.... why????  I know why.  And the first words that I verbally uttered.... "Dad....I'm sorry.  I let you down." 

Love... or 愛.  In life... your 最深/心愛 will always be your wife and kids.   Your 最親愛 will always be your mom.  If you're blessed... you might have someone that is your {最疼愛}.  And then, there's the 最敬愛 - your most respected - which generally falls on your dad.  Your provider.  The man who named me.  The man who raised me.  The man who gave up nearly everything he had... so that his imbecile son can have a proper education.  And earlier this evening, I found out how much I disappointed him and let him down, the man I respected the most, my 最敬愛.  To a point where he kept this disgusting, rejection letter all these years. 

No one will understand.  No one will.  People will kindly and sympathetically say, "You're better off without Lowell."  Or "You've accomplished so much." But that's not the point, it's not about me.  I don't give a flip about Lowell....or Wallenburg.... or SI.  Heck... I love my Mission High years.  But what brought me to my knees tonight.... was what I put dad through.  

While making dinner... I tried, but failed to hold back the tears.  I tried to hide it.  Sniffling.  Coughing.  Turning away from the wife and kids.  But the tears... eventually turned into weeping.  Joyce thought I was sick... and finally asked, "Are you Ok?" To which I completely lost any ability to speak....and can only mutter, "I'll tell you later."


這一刻,不期然的想起梁家家訓. 

繼祖宗一脈相承， 刻謹克儉。 

教兒孫兩行正路， 惟讀惟商。

爸爸, 我對你唔住. 我對祖宗唔住. 冇實踐到"克勤克儉"這四個字. 不肖子的懶惰, 不孝子的疏忽,帶比梁家這個奇恥大辱。

爸爸, 對唔住、帶比你可等大嘅失望。枉費你對我嘅一番心血, 有負你對我養育之恩. 我一生人裡，冇乜幾件事會後悔, 但呢件事我終身後悔。
今日你個不肖子重改埋你個梁家家訓, 連"惟讀惟商"我都冇傳下去。
但係蒙主恩, 有幸家中有兩個兒女，盼望我能盡做父親的責任教導他們克勤克儉, 教兒孫兩行正路, 能夠光宗耀祖, 帶比梁家應有嘅光彩。

爸爸, 請你原諒孩兒。

(A fitting way, to end a tumultuous week.  And the week ain't over yet.)

Mood: 恥