A horrible two days

COVID-19 - School Closure - Day 131

for whatever reason... I've been losing my temper and taking it out on the kids - A LOT.  Maybe it's work stress.  Maybe it's lack of sleep.  Maybe it's the SIP syndrome that's hitting really hard these days.

Yesterday - during Sunday On-line Service... SW comes over with a sad face, cuz NN said or did something.  Then as he walks back over to the English service, NN does something again and gets pissed and starts slamming things.  I lose it.  And I scream at both of them.  Uncalled for.  Completely spoil the mood for the rest of the day.

Things get better throughout the day.  

Then at night... we're getting ready for dinner.  Joyce calls out for both kids and I thought, "I should go into their rooms to get them.  What if they can't hear mommy?" As we're about to sit down, SW decides to take a dump right before we start dinner.  He's in there forever with his iPad.  And I call for him to come out.  He doesn't hear me... so I scream, again!! Cuz I'm pissed.  He has the whole family waiting for him.  He comes out looking said and pouting.  Uncalled for. Overreacted again.  Argggghhhh....

Things get better again.

And then today... it was a great day of family time at home.  At night, NN starts singing "Memories" by Maroon 5. And I start singing with her.  She utters something like I'm mocking her... when I'm not.  Then she does a face, rolls her eyes and is completely disrespectful.  I didn't yell this time.  I just sit there for the rest of dinner and I don't eat.  One, cuz I'm not hungry.  Two, cuz I'm seething with anger.  Made it a very quiet dinner.  NN knows I'm mad at her... and she tries to make amends by saying a few things.  I blow her off.  How immature.... as a parent too.

What is it with me???  

At night... I explained to Nn what I was thinking.  I apologize.  But the damage has been done. Worse yet... they'll probably take a page out of their old man's book.  They'll get mad one day and go on a hunger strike, just to prove a point.

Aye..... what am I doing??? What a horrible two days.... Gotta change.  Gotta stop this cycle.  God - please help.