沒有雞尾包的日子，第8日。 晴天帶雲
Today was weird... extremely weird. I was exhausted, irritable, uneasy, on the verge of breakdown. What happened? The answer... Yesterday. That's what happened.
Yesterday... I had lunch and dinner with some of my long time friends. Friends who made a huge impact in my life... in my most formidable teenage/high school years. Friends who were once closer to me than family. 上刀山，落油鑊，兩協插刀. That's how close we were.
For one reason or another... some natural, some by selection, we drifted apart. At the end of our gatherings... we had the same sentiments, "Let's do this again!" But in reality... that was just the polite thing to say. We're not going to get back together. What we once had.. is in the past. 往事只能回味. We've all moved on... found new friends... established new lifestyles. Without the day to day interaction and sharing, without being involved in each other's lives... any relationship will simply die out. Friendship, like many things, need cultivating and constant caring. How rare can you truly put nothing in, but get something in return? Hmmm.... And I guess the physical toils of the past two weeks and the emotional roller coaster finally caught up to me simultaneously.
Then something even weirder happened. We had fellowship tonight and I was NOT into it. My mind was wandering... my heart was sunk... my soul lifeless. After I got home... two sisters 不約而同 texted me saying, "You were very quiet tonight, are you OK?" Who are these two sisters...that know me so well (or well enuf?) to reach out to check up on me. I was touched... deeply touched. To which I sarcastically responded to their genuine concern, "So..... am I usually a loud mouth?!?!?"
Onto 2019...
Mood: Indifferent with a tad of hope
Saturday, January 12, 2019
Friday, January 11, 2019
雪糕日
沒有雞尾包的日子，第7日。 雨
山長水遠、來到目的地。 原本想嗌草莓、因為{友人}鍾意。 但又想叫話呢嗱、夠實惠。最后、都係等老闆娘介紹、叫咗綠茶。不論什麼味，結果都是一樣、我不喜歡食雪糕。但這𥚃、又豈是雪糕店那么簡單呢？
Onto 2019...
Mood: 孤孤單單
Tuesday, January 08, 2019
2 Tim 3:16
沒有雞尾包的日子. 第4日. 微雨.
"All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness.." 2 Tim 3:16.
All Scripture... mmm hmm... okkkkkkkkkkkkkay. Let's see how far we can take that....
Onto 2019...
"All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness.." 2 Tim 3:16.
All Scripture... mmm hmm... okkkkkkkkkkkkkay. Let's see how far we can take that....
Goodness gracious. Went shopping for a bible today. Since when did it get so complicated?!?!?!? How many translations are there now?? King James (KJV). New King James (NKJV). Good ol' NIV. Then there's a new one... Holman Christian Standard Bible (CSB) - that was just recently released and is all over the shelves. Don't forget the New Living Translation (NLT). Oh...how about the Amplified Bible. The one that I actually got use to reading... English Standard Version (ESV) is no where to be found.
Do I need a commentary just to explain the difference?? Oh wait... there's more.
A bible isn't just a bible anymore. No no... There's a Life Application Bible. There's the Study Bible. There's a Women's Devotion Bible. Not to be outdone... there's a Men's Devotion Bible. There's the Family Bible - which is the size of a phone book (people don't even know what that is anymore) who's main purpose is to sit on your coffee table to look good. On and on and on... I was aimlessly walking uppppppppp and doooooooooown the aisles. Hoping to find ONE... just ONE.
And at the end... I give up. Go online. Download the Bible App. They have all the translation. No one lugs around a book anymore. But everyone has a smartphone. Let's just move on with technology already... geez louise puh-leez!!
Onto 2019...
Mood: stressed
Monday, January 07, 2019
Precious Moment
沒有雞尾包的日子. 第3日. 密雲.
Normally, I lead the family in our nightly Family Altar before going to bed. Joyce puts down SW and I have the honor of putting NN to sleep. Well tonight... NN specifically requested Mommy. No worries... I ain't jealous. But little SW is... and it took Joyce almost yelling in order for him to give in.
After our Family Altar time, after saying their prayer, I asked Joyce "Can you help me squeeze NN's hand twice?"
Then NN asked SW, "弟弟, can you help me squeeze Daddy's hand twice?"
SW was curious... "Why?"
NN replied, "Just do it and I'll tell you later."
And SW obliged - but his squeeze was half-@$$ed, with no conviction and listless. Nothing like a NN-squeeze.
Ever since who knows when, that's been our little code for "Heart Heart" or "Love You." And we do it EVERY NIGHT. Some times it's a squeeze of the hand. If there are times when she's sleeping with her head on to the other side of the bed, I would squeeze her feet, and NN will in turn use both her feet to "hug" my arm twice.
Then I realized... wow... this is between me and NN. We shared this one little secret bond... every night, we shared this one little precious moment.
Onto 2019...
Mood: warm and fuzzy for the right reason (yet disappointed, for other reasons)
Normally, I lead the family in our nightly Family Altar before going to bed. Joyce puts down SW and I have the honor of putting NN to sleep. Well tonight... NN specifically requested Mommy. No worries... I ain't jealous. But little SW is... and it took Joyce almost yelling in order for him to give in.
After our Family Altar time, after saying their prayer, I asked Joyce "Can you help me squeeze NN's hand twice?"
Then NN asked SW, "弟弟, can you help me squeeze Daddy's hand twice?"
SW was curious... "Why?"
NN replied, "Just do it and I'll tell you later."
And SW obliged - but his squeeze was half-@$$ed, with no conviction and listless. Nothing like a NN-squeeze.
Ever since who knows when, that's been our little code for "Heart Heart" or "Love You." And we do it EVERY NIGHT. Some times it's a squeeze of the hand. If there are times when she's sleeping with her head on to the other side of the bed, I would squeeze her feet, and NN will in turn use both her feet to "hug" my arm twice.
Then I realized... wow... this is between me and NN. We shared this one little secret bond... every night, we shared this one little precious moment.
Onto 2019...
Mood: warm and fuzzy for the right reason (yet disappointed, for other reasons)
Sunday, January 06, 2019
Beautiful
沒有雞尾包的日子. 第2日. 大風雨.
Nice is when 80% of the Congregation responding to an altar call and walked up to the front to dedicate 2019 to the Lord,
Beautiful is when the two 90+ year old ladies who come to church every Sunday in a wheel chair / walker, who want to but can't walk out and join the rest of the group. But they... stood... up. That was beautiful.
Onto 2019...
Beautiful is when the two 90+ year old ladies who come to church every Sunday in a wheel chair / walker, who want to but can't walk out and join the rest of the group. But they... stood... up. That was beautiful.
Onto 2019...
Mood: Cough*cough*cough (breathe) Cough*cough
Saturday, January 05, 2019
Painful Truth be Told
沒有雞尾包的日子. 第1日. 大風雨.
Spent the night watching Shrek Forever After with the family tonight. The movie was aight... but to sit for 2 hours and waste two hours of my precious night was an absolute killer. There was so many things I could be working on.. at the very least, I can have my phone with me so I can start planning 2019 for church. As part of my new year's resolution to "become a new man", I dropped everything and just sat for 2 hours.
During our nightly ritual of 家庭時間:
NN's 一件開心事 was, "我好開心爸B可以同我地睇晒成套戲. "
SW chimes in and says "爸B, 點解你成日唔同我地睇video嘅?"
NN comes to my defense, "爸B好忙㗎!"
I took that moment to apologize. Apologize to them that I chose work over family. That I mis-prioritized my life. And asked for their forgiveness.
Onto 2019...
Mood: Apologetic
Monday, December 31, 2018
Looking back at 2018
Looking back at 2018.... I went through CNN, USAToday, APNews, TheRinger... trying to find the 1-2 nuggets that define 2018. Nothing significant enough to crack my top 10 this year. So let it be known...that 2018, is the year I am completely selfish, self-centered, self-focused, self-promoting.
8. 14 years overdue - already blogged about this here. Will always remember that fateful day when I got one of the biggest surprises of my life - all for a near meaningless gesture (to me). People don't touch you like that anymore. Whatever I did 14 years ago to be blessed 14 years later... I will never fully understand.
7. Family - had to cheat again and roll them all into one.
5. NN needs atropine - 2 years ago... I wrote about how she needed glasses. Earlier this year, we got a new pair. And out of curiosity, we went back for a second visit around October. Just to find out her vision has gotten way worse. She's 9... and her vision is as bad as mine when I graduated high school. Much to our dislike... we finally bit the bullet and opted for atropine. It won't cure her myopia... but maybe it can slow it down? Her words, "I'm so disappointed in myself." My words, "I failed as a father."
4. Bringing SW fishing - All through life, I've wanted to be an All American dad, something my father was never able to provide for me. Not his fault, we just weren't that Brady Bunch family. We weren't even the Simpsons or the Bundy's. That very moment, when I walked out from the Bait and Tackle store with two fishing rods and a bag of red-worms, I achieved my own personal dream of going fishing with my old man. We didn't catch anything... but man was it magical.
Onto 2019................
As in years past....we'll start off with the countdown..............
10) Ministry Assistant - 2018. Not all the following are "MA" related.. but I'll just roll it into one, to make things easier. What a year. How did Joyce ever put up with me for doing all this. To a point where my friends (my best friends!!) were saying "You're doing too much."
- 7 letters to 7 churches - 9 week Adult Sunday School on the just the 1st two chapters of Revelations. I guess the biggest fruit we bore was PAL taking Revelations and turning it into his sermon series. That's what we get for inviting him to guest lecture. Hmm....
- CS Directory - Man that took a lot of work! Not to mention moving to a new database...updating all of our attendance taking methods... and updating our archaic email alias. Glad I was the pioneer to plow through it. BOOM!!
- Friends and Family breakfast / lunch - Body Life, not outreach. Everyone over-did it. Everyone complained about it. Everyone loved it. Glad we were able to pull it off not once, not twice... but a surprising third time! All the while raising up new leaders to do the work. BOOM!!
- CNY2018 – Alliance Got Talent - Took CNY to a whole new level for the third year in a roll. Live voting by text?! Who would think of that??? With Joyce being a core part of 3 acts. Me on the other hand... none.
- Men’s Retreat - how do you get 100 men up to the Santa Cruz mountains and back?? Let me organize it...that's how.
- Gospel Sunday - Prompted the Hamster Wheel series. Praise God for all those who enter His kingdom. Praise God for STEAM. Praise God for so many brothers and sisters... who are witnesses surrounding each other like clouds and rainbows.
- Two Lost Sons Musical - 怎去猜想這夢會變真?? Any other year... this would have been top 5, if not top 3. Writing my own musical... how about that.
- ARROWS – Let’s Proclaim - Get a bunch of kids... sit down... critically think about their faith and get up to pronounce it. They came in as boys...they left as men.
- Kids Church (Short Term Mission) - Enabled myself to spend 6 weeks serving in Children's Ministry. It's not about passion... it's about obedience.
- Blue Sky Sunday - No one saw this coming. My accolades.. next year, there will be an all-church picnic. Next year... Mandarin Service will also order shirts. My personal accolade... next year, we kick off church planting.
- CS Budget - After seeing how the budget gets handled (within CS, mind you), I wanted to submit my resignation to PAL. But hey... I spent nearly every penny that was budgeted to us in 2018. BOOM!!
- Prayer Meeting - The week after Ted wants to take me under his wing to one day preach on the pulpit... I get the call to lead Prayer Meeting. Man... it's hard. Had some great ones. Had one horrible one. I'm not to grade myself...since this is given unto the Lord. May all our prayers be from His heart.
- Wild Fire Fund Raising - Took all the lessons learned from Gospel Sunday and Friends and Family to create simple fund raising breakfast. This was after the whole world told me "Stop! You're doing too much." Ironically... I wasn't even here that Sunday.
- End of year Party - Requirements were - "Cheap. Laughter. Tears." It was cheap.. to a point where PAL chastised me. There was laughter.. everyone danced, even the 70 year old. I had tears... swept the room to thank every person who made a difference in my spiritual walk. I love my church family. I am so grateful they love me in return.
8. 14 years overdue - already blogged about this here. Will always remember that fateful day when I got one of the biggest surprises of my life - all for a near meaningless gesture (to me). People don't touch you like that anymore. Whatever I did 14 years ago to be blessed 14 years later... I will never fully understand.
7. Family - had to cheat again and roll them all into one.
- Cherie Visits - my one and only 細妹 visits. Someone who I've never met. Someone who I spent 2 days with. There are many things you can pick and choose. Family is not one of them.
- Divorce - who would've thunk it'll hit home, so close, so hard. And it was in the midst of this stormy season, that family came together. And it's not about weathering the storm so much as it's dancing in the rain.
- Big Bro comes back - after 8 years, that night they land, and I met them at Top Cafe. I walked in... saw the four of them sitting there, eating 焗豬扒飯, 豉椒排骨炒河, 鹹魚雞笠炒飯, 雲吞麵. And my little nephew see me in person, point and say, "二叔." Culminating with Christmas Dinner... where I made a small, but long overdue toast and got choked up, when I officially welcomed my brother and his family back home. Blood will always be thicker than water.
5. NN needs atropine - 2 years ago... I wrote about how she needed glasses. Earlier this year, we got a new pair. And out of curiosity, we went back for a second visit around October. Just to find out her vision has gotten way worse. She's 9... and her vision is as bad as mine when I graduated high school. Much to our dislike... we finally bit the bullet and opted for atropine. It won't cure her myopia... but maybe it can slow it down? Her words, "I'm so disappointed in myself." My words, "I failed as a father."
4. Bringing SW fishing - All through life, I've wanted to be an All American dad, something my father was never able to provide for me. Not his fault, we just weren't that Brady Bunch family. We weren't even the Simpsons or the Bundy's. That very moment, when I walked out from the Bait and Tackle store with two fishing rods and a bag of red-worms, I achieved my own personal dream of going fishing with my old man. We didn't catch anything... but man was it magical.
3. Joyce Returns to Worship Team - As much as I disagree with what Joyce did and how she was handling this, I had to stand by her. I have to... she's my wife. All I could do was pray for her... and continue to be her biggest cheerleader. God listened to my prayer. And He sent an angel in the form of Samantha to love Joyce unconditionally. I was 99% certain this wasn't going to happen. But that 1% was all it took.... ironically, I didn't even find out from it directly from Joyce.
2. The Big V - any given year... this would top any man's list. Even before any of the previous 8 happened, I was sure this would be #1. To go through with this procedure??? Seriously.... seriously!!! The Trader Joe's frozen peas. Wearing briefs for the first time in over-a-decade. Being out of commission for a weekend. Ohhhhhhhhhh weeeeeeeee...... how can it not top the list???
Sigh... in recent weeks... I had an inkling.... #1 was going to be reserved for something else. It was either heads or tails... I was hoping, wishing, praying, holding out.... and the results came in.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
1. SILENCE.
It's not about how you begin, but it's about how you end. And that....is how 2018 ends. When does recovery start? When will I even be coherent enough to write about this. In due time. I need to capture this moment. These feelings. This anguish. This sorrow. These tears. At this moment in time... I recollect a poem blessed onto me over 20 years ago. That feeling of hurt is vaguely familiar. But nothing like today.
"Pooh, promise you won't forget about me, ever. Not even when I'm a hundred." Pooh thought for a little while. "How old shall I be then?" "Ninety-nine." Pooh nodded. "I promise," he said.
2. The Big V - any given year... this would top any man's list. Even before any of the previous 8 happened, I was sure this would be #1. To go through with this procedure??? Seriously.... seriously!!! The Trader Joe's frozen peas. Wearing briefs for the first time in over-a-decade. Being out of commission for a weekend. Ohhhhhhhhhh weeeeeeeee...... how can it not top the list???
Sigh... in recent weeks... I had an inkling.... #1 was going to be reserved for something else. It was either heads or tails... I was hoping, wishing, praying, holding out.... and the results came in.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
1. SILENCE.
It's not about how you begin, but it's about how you end. And that....is how 2018 ends. When does recovery start? When will I even be coherent enough to write about this. In due time. I need to capture this moment. These feelings. This anguish. This sorrow. These tears. At this moment in time... I recollect a poem blessed onto me over 20 years ago. That feeling of hurt is vaguely familiar. But nothing like today.
"Pooh, promise you won't forget about me, ever. Not even when I'm a hundred." Pooh thought for a little while. "How old shall I be then?" "Ninety-nine." Pooh nodded. "I promise," he said.
Onto 2019................
Friday, December 28, 2018
妹
昨天、收到細妹的微信、簡單一個稱號：「哥哥」、已令我全身溶化。 Haha... 自己一廂情願、勁無聊！
常言道：家和萬事興。 我直言：有{妺}萬事興。
Mood: more than blessed
常言道：家和萬事興。 我直言：有{妺}萬事興。
Mood: more than blessed
Tuesday, December 25, 2018
Of all days... why Christmas??
What did I ever do to you, Christmas Day??
Did I not cherish you? Did I not believe in Santa for an insane amount of years? Did I not go to Midnight Mass and then regular Mass the next morning? Did I not go caroling...or visit the elderly... or visit the sick at the hospital?? When did I not list you as my favorite holiday of the year?? When did I not, at the very least, put up an advent calendar or even a mini-tinsel tree?? When did I not tune into KOIT for "all-day, every day, Christmas music?"
Why do you have to haunt me once again??
Christmas of '95 wasn't enough??
Christmas of 2015 when I put NN in the emergency room wasn't enough??
Now I have to deal with Christmas of 2018?? What did I do to deserve this?? Of all days.... sunava-booch!!! Jus...jus.... JUST GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!
Gotta keep busy. Gotta keep moving. Gotta keep mind occupied. The moment I stop... I will think. The moment I think... well... it just sucks. Sucks a phat nut!
Mood: soul-less... all that's left is an empty body
Did I not cherish you? Did I not believe in Santa for an insane amount of years? Did I not go to Midnight Mass and then regular Mass the next morning? Did I not go caroling...or visit the elderly... or visit the sick at the hospital?? When did I not list you as my favorite holiday of the year?? When did I not, at the very least, put up an advent calendar or even a mini-tinsel tree?? When did I not tune into KOIT for "all-day, every day, Christmas music?"
Why do you have to haunt me once again??
Christmas of '95 wasn't enough??
Christmas of 2015 when I put NN in the emergency room wasn't enough??
Now I have to deal with Christmas of 2018?? What did I do to deserve this?? Of all days.... sunava-booch!!! Jus...jus.... JUST GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!
Gotta keep busy. Gotta keep moving. Gotta keep mind occupied. The moment I stop... I will think. The moment I think... well... it just sucks. Sucks a phat nut!
Mood: soul-less... all that's left is an empty body
Happy B-day
On the day we commemorate Jesus’ B-day... on the day we celebrate mom’s bday... Today is also my B-Day. (Break Fast Day).
等咗足足一個月零一日、終於出關。結果？I admit... I bent the rules here and there. The tumbler I used for water was sooo stained with coffee, that every swig was a reminder of when life was gooood. Went to dim sum a few times, and though I tried to drink hot water... when an elder pours you a cup of tea, who am I to not drink?
This morning... I didn’t roll out of bed as expected. Didn’t dash to Peets for my long awaited Egg Nog Latte (Ohhh my luv... ). Instead, went back to old faithful - the pour over. While the kids were giddy about Christmas presents, I was their older version as I opened canister, whiffed the aroma, scooped the 20-22 oz of brown nuggets, grinded the forbidden seed, carried the grounds into its resting nest of a size 2 filter, bathed the brown gold with 202 deg water...watched sleeping beauty come to life to inhale its first breath... and then, the two minute wait. The longest two minutes since SW’s allergy test.
And then... the moment of truth.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Felt soooooooooo gooooooood. I’m never fasting again!!!!!!!! And the price I paid... got light headed from the caffeine shock!! Hahahhaa... love it!!!!
In honor of my B-day.... I’ve resurrected my dedication to the sweetest of sweet nectars from 2006.
Mood: In spite of the Coffee high... one of the crappiest day of the year (of my life)
等咗足足一個月零一日、終於出關。結果？I admit... I bent the rules here and there. The tumbler I used for water was sooo stained with coffee, that every swig was a reminder of when life was gooood. Went to dim sum a few times, and though I tried to drink hot water... when an elder pours you a cup of tea, who am I to not drink?
This morning... I didn’t roll out of bed as expected. Didn’t dash to Peets for my long awaited Egg Nog Latte (Ohhh my luv... ). Instead, went back to old faithful - the pour over. While the kids were giddy about Christmas presents, I was their older version as I opened canister, whiffed the aroma, scooped the 20-22 oz of brown nuggets, grinded the forbidden seed, carried the grounds into its resting nest of a size 2 filter, bathed the brown gold with 202 deg water...watched sleeping beauty come to life to inhale its first breath... and then, the two minute wait. The longest two minutes since SW’s allergy test.
And then... the moment of truth.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Felt soooooooooo gooooooood. I’m never fasting again!!!!!!!! And the price I paid... got light headed from the caffeine shock!! Hahahhaa... love it!!!!
In honor of my B-day.... I’ve resurrected my dedication to the sweetest of sweet nectars from 2006.
Mood: In spite of the Coffee high... one of the crappiest day of the year (of my life)
Saturday, December 22, 2018
Preflections - Part Deux
Couple weeks ago... I preflected on 1) Handling relationships and 2) The power of my tongue. Both of which are my greatest strengths and yet ironically, but biggest weakness. Adding to this list are two quotes/idioms/proverbs that I like to throw out there....
3) "Like china, once broken, it cannot be fixed" -- normally referring to trust or love. But can also be a relationship, when handled improperly.
4) "It's toothpaste out of a tube." -- referring to words that are said, can never be unsaid.
In a short moment of weakness (and they usually are short, but intense), words came out that shattered a precious china into pieces. Words that, though can be forgiven, can never be put back into a toothpaste. As much banging my head on the wall as I can muster... the grief that I'm carrying gets heavier and heavier each day. Until today..... when ironically I found out these two things.
3a) "Kintsugi" - the genius (and gorgeous) way of repairing broken china
4a) "How to Put Toothpaste Back in the Tube" - the things people do to prove a point
So....!!! I guess I needa step up my game... stay positive... and try to turn lemon into lemonade. Or in this case... broken pieces of china into a work of art. Ohhhhh... if only this were true.
Mood: Hopeful
3) "Like china, once broken, it cannot be fixed" -- normally referring to trust or love. But can also be a relationship, when handled improperly.
4) "It's toothpaste out of a tube." -- referring to words that are said, can never be unsaid.
In a short moment of weakness (and they usually are short, but intense), words came out that shattered a precious china into pieces. Words that, though can be forgiven, can never be put back into a toothpaste. As much banging my head on the wall as I can muster... the grief that I'm carrying gets heavier and heavier each day. Until today..... when ironically I found out these two things.
3a) "Kintsugi" - the genius (and gorgeous) way of repairing broken china
4a) "How to Put Toothpaste Back in the Tube" - the things people do to prove a point
So....!!! I guess I needa step up my game... stay positive... and try to turn lemon into lemonade. Or in this case... broken pieces of china into a work of art. Ohhhhh... if only this were true.
Mood: Hopeful
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